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To Care home or not, that is the question!


Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
Hi Julie B

Thank you very much for your reassuring comments and kind words.

Leaving Mam's assets alone, which only amounts to a few 1000's is my first financial rule, I'm not too sure what Mam's weekly/monthly income is, I do know that she gets AA and perhaps that would be an acceptable amount to "take" from her, I don't know.

My partner and I both share the same thoughts regarding peace of mind that Mam would be as happy as possible with us. I don't expect any family help and we've already experienced the gradual disappearance of extended family members visits, shame on them, that's what I say.

We've experienced some hard work already, especially the night time activity of continuous up and down every 20 - 30 minutes, we have a rule, I get up and see to Mam. I'm a light sleeper, only need a few hours every night, so it's not an issue for me, it doesn't make me mardy or irritable.


Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
North East England
Hi. I woulkd like to give you a little of my experience...free gratis and, as they say here, for nowt!:rolleyes:
By all means, if Dad and the rest of the family are happy for you to do it, bring Mum to live with you and your angel of a partner. Certainly she should be paying her share of the family expenses. That is only right and she receives her Attendance Alowance to help toward her Care Costs.

Now as to the 24/7 care. Will Mum be able to manage in your home on a permanent basis? Is it secure so that she cannot get out? Does she know her way about? Can she get to the loo by herself? Can Mum manage the stairs? Can the stairs be secured at night?
Will your washing machine be able to manage the extra load and the drying?

My OH and I went for about 4 years without even a weekend away. My Mum lived in her house. my phone was never silent.Mum was a wanderer so I was constantly having to abandon meals to go and search the streets. We had no social life. life consisted of buying Mum's food, dealing with her paperwork, her medicines,her laundry, her cleaning...... her life.!!
Having Mum to stay for a night or two is manageable and I could have managed without sleep for a couple of nights.... it is a totally different kettle of fish 24/7/365.There will be no privacy, no place for a quiet moment together without the chance of an interruption, no spontaneity.

I appreciate that you think that you can give her a better quality of life that you think she will get in a Care Home, and applaud you for it. Perhaps spending longer at home with Mum, giving Dad a bigger break, might be a way forward first. But, if you try moving Mum, (and bear in mind that moving her might make her more confused,) then Good Luck and no guilty feelings if it doesn't work out.


Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
Hi Cragmaid

Thank you for your comments and kind words.

The house is secure and so is the property, Mam wouldn't be able to escape during the night. Mam would manage here as well as she does in her own home, she doesn't know where the bathroom, kitchen or any other room is in either house and she's lived in hers for 60 years.

Mam needs assistance with the loo, if she does go by herself, well let's just say Mam doesn't understand the ABC of going to the loo! At this moment in time the stairs at either house are not secured at night, if Mam did stay with us, this is something we would have to look into. We already do all the washing for Mam & Dad, so there would be no change there and after donkey's years of having a family to wash after, it's not an issue.

I understand and accept your points abut 24/7/365, that is why we have agreed to regular respite and as much external help as we can get.

My Angel and I, have already agreed that if Dad does mention about Mam going into a home, then our first response will be to offer to have Mam more often and for longer to see if that works.

I already have the guilty feelings, just thinking about Mam being moved from her home, to ours and then possibly to one of more care homes. I can accept the decline in Mam, the fact that she doesn't know me or anyone else, how she needs help with basic tasks, not a problem, but having to see her go into a home, that's tough to contemplate.