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To Care home or not, that is the question!

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi, It's been a while since my last post, I do cast an eye over the forum when I get a lazy few minutes!

Mam has what I would say is late middle stage to early late stage Alzheimer's, she can feed herself using a spoon, hold a drink, brush her hair and teeth, when prompted and that is about it, she requires help full time with every aspect of her life.

Currently Mam is still at home with Dad, but he is showing signs that things are getting too much for him to deal with now. The constant up and down for the toilet which he has to assist Mam with, broken sleep during the night due to toilet visits, Mam's none stop incomprehensible rambling from getting up until going to bed, washing, dressing, supervising, everything really.

Dad has daily help from me with everything, I have Mam for a few days every now and then to give him a total rest, but I now get the feeling he's dreading her returning back to him. He has mentioned more on more lately about Mam possibly needing to go into a home sooner rather than later.

I guess this is the point of my post, sorry for the rambling "history".
My brother and I have POA's for Mam.
If Dad says he wants Mam to go into a home and my brother agrees, but I don't and want her to stay with me, how do we stand with this?

If we can get agreement that Mam stays with me, how much, if anything should I "charge" Mam for board and lodge? I hate those words so much, but I don't know how else to put it, sorry.

The thought of Mam going into a home and paying God knows how much for a service and care that I can lovingly provide annoys me on a financial, emotional, loyalty and loving level. I personally don't think Mam needs to be in a home, just yet, yes, she needs care, attention and help, but she also needs to feel loved. I know the time will come when my partner and I are unable to fully care for Mam 24/7, but surely until that time comes, it's only right that we have the opportunity to provide Mam with a loving, family environment and for us to be reimbursed in some way.

I've just read through this and I feel so guilty for mentioning finances, I'm almost ashamed of myself for even thinking about "charging" my Mam to look after her! :-(
 
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chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
London
Good afternoon Dave,sending you a massive hug and a very big stick to whack that guilt monster over the head,please try and reset your brain as you have not reason to feel guilty over wanting to "charge"mam to live with you...it's a fact of life that living and looking after an elderly person costs money,so many supplies are not available on the NHS or indeed are given without cost, regardless of dementia being involved, your not wanting to take her money but have a very sensible outlook not only her day to day living,but your dads wellbeing as well, that makes you a very caring person, however you should be eligible for short term care,whereas mam could have a "holiday" for a few days or a couple of weeks in order to give your dad a break,and it may be funded or part funded by your local authority, just given you and dad room to breath and go forward....will try and find a link in a minute to help. Just wanted to respond to your post straight away.
 
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Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
Try and think of it this way: you are not 'charging' mum to live with you. She is simply 'paying her way' just like every adult does in order to live. You will be giving her so much in caring for her personally and I am sure she would not wish for you to be out-of-pocket as well. Finances for carers can become very precarious and you must be practical about this. You may as time goes on need adaptations to your home or to pay for things like day centres.

Finally, if she does not spend her money supporting herself now, it will simply accumulate in her bank account and if, at some point in the future she does need to go into a care home, it will be spent on care fees anyway. Using those funds now to help you support her in your home is most likely to delay that day for longer so it is absolutely for her benefit and in her best interests.
 

chris53

Registered User
Nov 9, 2009
2,929
London
You are very welcome Dave, hope so much you get outside practical help if available soon, and peace of mind.
Do take care and keep posting.
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi CardiffLady

Thank you for your comment.

Mam has no mental capacity whatsoever, she doesn't know her name, my name, how many children she has, her age, what certain items are called, most things have sadly faded away now.


Oh, I know about taking her to the toilet at 2am, then again at 2.30am and so on through the night, very tiring.


If the time comes for Mam to move in with us, I fully intend to access and use all the help that is available to us, as I know it can only prolong Mam's stay with us and keep the care home reaper at bay!
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi Pickles53

Thank you for your comment.

I know it is only right that Mam pays towards her daily/weekly living expenses, but it still sits uncomfortably with me, it's my Mam!

I will admit, that paying a home for the level of care Mam currently needs really does annoy me, especially when the time does come for Mam to stay in a home her funds will be swallowed up in a few years and she may then have to move into another home just when she is "settled" or requiring greater care.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,990
West Hertfordshire
Slightly different angle....

If she move in with you, how far from your dad would she be? Just because he can't physically manage, doesn't mean he wouldn't want her close.

Irrespective of POA, I stil think dad should have the first ( or perhaps final) say
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi Jessbow

Thanks for your comment.

I live less than 5 miles away from Dad, there's obviously no problem with him coming to visit Mam, take her out etc, while he/they can.

I respect your comment regarding Dad having the final say, but in all fairness, if Dad were 10 years younger, let alone 30, he wouldn't entertain the notion of Mam going in a home. He has always said, he will look after Mam while he can, and he's done that, but I think age is taking its toll on him now, patience, energy etc are all ebbing away. So why not allow someone with the patience, energy, love, compassion and understanding to step in rather than Mam just become another elderly statistic!
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi CardiffLady

All the care homes I've visited for my mum, cater now for all levels and in the later stages, nursing and end of life. That was high on my list - I'd hate to have to keep moving mum at each phase/stage.
That is now being added to my list of future priorities when considering a home.

Thank you for that input.
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi Jessbow

I take your point about "giving up your life", but I gave up working full time a few years ago so I could help out with Mam (& Dad).

I work part time, so does my partner, neither of us are eligible for Carers Allowance due to our earnings being over the threshold, which isn't an issue for me as we live a basic life, we're not visiting food banks either, so life is ok.

We have no dependent children at home, there's just my partner and I.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,219
I take your point about "giving up your life", but I gave up working full time a few years ago so I could help out with Mam (& Dad).

I work part time, so does my partner, neither of us are eligible for Carers Allowance due to our earnings being over the threshold, which isn't an issue for me as we live a basic life, we're not visiting food banks either, so life is ok.

We have no dependent children at home, there's just my partner and I.
How does your partner feel about this?
Do they realise the full impact, of what you are proposing?
Your working will stop, can your finances cope without your wages?

Bod
 

Pickles53

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
2,474
Radcliffe on Trent
Thank you for your comment.

I know it is only right that Mam pays towards her daily/weekly living expenses, but it still sits uncomfortably with me, it's my Mam!

I will admit, that paying a home for the level of care Mam currently needs really does annoy me, especially when the time does come for Mam to stay in a home her funds will be swallowed up in a few years and she may then have to move into another home just when she is "settled" or requiring greater care.
Try it the other way round.....if you as an independent adult were living with your parents, wouldn't you feel uncomfortable if they paid for everything?
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
How does your partner feel about this?
Do they realise the full impact, of what you are proposing?
Your working will stop, can your finances cope without your wages?

Bod
I also wonder how the partner feels, and whether s/he is fully aware of what 24/7 care at home can entail - endlessly disturbed nights, never mind the rest. Having someone with dementia living permanently with you can put a serious strain on relationships, as witness posters here now and then.

As for the 'paying her way' question, I don't think it would be remotely unreasonable to assume that she would contribute a percentage of living costs. She would have to be paying for general living costs wherever she was, whether at home or in a care home.
 

Julia B

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
79
hi Dave

My hubby gave up work to look after his mum, I work full time, she lives with us in an extension we had built for her - she "pays" us one of her pensions, she has two, this was agreed with her, hubby and his brother, it covers the cost of the extra gas, electricity etc, and for a shower lady twice a week plus all her food , clothes and toiletries. Her own account is never touched, but we get about £100 a week from the one pension. I know what you mean, whilst it feels wrong to charge an old lady for family love and care this money means we aren't out of pocket ( other than hubbys wages lol ) but we have peace of mind and she is as happy as possible. Nobody helps us, no relatives, they don't bother to visit either as she is hard work due the illness, so be aware that this could all be on your shoulders. I don't regret it, from a loving point of view, but I miss being able to go out with my husband, even just to walk the dog lol! It's very hard work Dave, but you sound loving and strong, just please consider your other half...it's very isolating and tests your love for each other, I've sat in tears when she refuses dinner I've made after a full days work, but I love her and want to support Michael as best I can. All the best to you and your mum x
 
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Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi Bod

Thank you for your comment.

I'm blessed to have a partner who is an angel and loves Mam so much.
We've probably had more conversations about this subject than any other in our lives, she is fully supportive and understanding, in fact, it was her suggestion a long time ago, that we had Mam stay with us on a regular basis to give Dad some respite and Mam a "break" from him. :)

We will both be able to continue working as our working hours don't clash.
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi Pickles53

It's so strange that you mention that, I was only telling a young work colleague a few weeks ago how lucky he was only paying his parents £40 per week lodge. £40 all in, pack up, meals, washing and everything that comes with living a "modern" life, it sounds such a small contribution to the running of a house. While we were having the conversation, someone else chipped in that they pay £85 just for a room in a shared house, bills included.

I guess when I think about it now and see those figures in print when compared to care home fees of £500 to £800 per week, that it really isn't unreasonable to "take" a contribution from Mam for her board and lodge, let alone for the 24 hour care. More to consider!!!
 

Dave66

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
78
Hi Witzend

Thanks for the comment.

As much as we are both aware of the potential difficulties at times, along with possible trials and tribulations, strains etc, we have both agreed if the time comes and we feel it is best for Mam to stay with us, then we will have regular weekend respite (every 8-12 weeks) to give us a break, but also to see how Mam is in a Care Home environment.

We are also prepared to accept whatever help is out there to make our lives a bit "easier", that could be a Sitter Service, Carers coming in for a few hours so we can go for a walk or lunch etc. We both have our own social lives which wouldn't change, we currently spend time out together, which may or may not change depending on the services and hours available to us.
 

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