To agree or disagree???

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by wendyg70, Jan 16, 2008.

  1. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008

    That's bad news about your Dad getting lost and I'm sorry to hear it. I guess we have all that to come as it's only a matter of time before Mum has a funny five minutes about where she is and how to get back home.

    Is your Dad OK? He must have been in a bit of a state. Was he aware of what had happened?

    I think the advice about carrying ID - maybe in his wallet - is sound.

  2. ElaineMaul

    ElaineMaul Registered User

    Jan 29, 2005
    Hi Doreen,
    My late father in law used to say this. If my husband was there, he'd sometimes say to him ..... 'Come on then Dad, let's go' and he'd walk him out the front door and round the side of the house and back in the backdoor. Sometimes it settled him ...... sometimes it didn't!
  3. ElaineMaul

    ElaineMaul Registered User

    Jan 29, 2005
    Hi Susan, My Dad had issues with money. I'm afraid he gets totally obssessed with it! My Mum has always managed the finances but he has accused her of trying to fiddle him out of money! He had some ISAs but was getting so worked up about his money not being in his usual bank account that in the end, I arranged for them to be sold, just so the separate money was 'gone'. The latest anxiety issue involves his company pension. Unfortunately, they send the statement of what he is going to get up to 4 days before the money goes into the account. He obssesses about going down to get his book made up to show the money. He seems to believe that the money isn't there and he'll lose it if the book doesn't get made up. So ..... for 4 or 5 days, he goes on and on about it ....... drives my Mum nuts.
  4. ElaineMaul

    ElaineMaul Registered User

    Jan 29, 2005
    Hi Wendy,
    Having been there I can only extend a {{{{Hug}}}} . I'm glad he is OK. On one occasion, we were also thankful for a good samaritan who allowed Dad to use her mobile phone to phone Mum and gave him directions and later phoned to check he got home OK. She was waiting beside her broken down car and Dad approached her because he was unsure where he was. Even in this day and age, there ARE good souls about for which I am eternally grateful. In this particular instance, it would have been so easy for this lady to have wondered whether he was part of some sort of scam/ a possible attacker etc etc etc ...... Elaine
  5. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    `Going home` and obssession with money seem to be two of the constants with Alzheimers.

    Both relate to security......the solid protection of home, particularly childhood home where we were safe and carefree, and the necessity of money to pay bills and put food on the table.

    So it`s not surprising that those are the two facts of life which are the most important to hang on to, especially when everything else is crumbling.

    And while the ones we care for are clinging to the final traces of their independence and freedom, all we appear to do is deny them to them.
  6. wendyg70

    wendyg70 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2008
    Brentwood, Essex
    Thankfully dad was well and safe when we found him, just wet and confused, we had had a huge downpour an hour or so before he turned up at the police station. Sylvia, what an excellent idea about the pet tag and one we will definately do. Dad does already carry his name and address in his pocket on a piece of paper but as he always insists on carrying his keys around with him, this is probably a better idea, he too is diabetic and has heart problems so it will definately be useful to add that info too. Sometimes its the simplest of things that you dont think of :).
    I was showing mum this site the other day and she found some of the postings interesting, its quite difficult for he to spend any amount of time here as dad is always behind her. One thing she did ask me is....As carers have you told the sufferer they have dementia or if they were already aware. She isnt thinking about telling dad but was interested in what others had done. Take care all and keep well. Thinking of you all, Wendy x
  7. Clive

    Clive Registered User

    Nov 7, 2004
    Hi Wendy

    Mum never knew she had AD and we never ever thought we should try to make her understand what illness she has.

    The early transition period covered several years and at first we had tried to help her retain her memories and stop her doing odd things. We were into worry year 4 before AD was diagnosed.

    After that we worked hard at being part of her world. We would be the person she thought we were. (Her son became her husband, then became her father). We would participate in the time warp that she existed in (pre 1940). The objective was to keep her happy, content and free from anxiety.

    It became a strange mix of ancient and modern.

    Go with the flow. It makes for a happier time all round.

    Best wishes

  8. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Phew, what a traumatic week for you, I am so sorry.

    Re your last point, telling your dad, well I haven't told my mum because she does not know what Alzheimers or Dementia is, she has heard the terms, and both her mother in law and sister in law had it (her sister in law very badly), but to mum they were jut "a bit batty". I have only told her that she has problems with her brain, I tried to say that the brain wears out as you get older just like your bones and internal organs, but she didn't really know what I meant by "internal organs" and that is nowt to do with AD it is just because my mum isn't very wise on such matters. She has always had a very narrow circle of friends, and has never been involved with anyone with cancer or heart disease or anything else really. She just thinks that people "die" of no cause other than old age. When the psychiatrist visits, my mum usually says something like "so you think I am losing my marbles do you?", which put her in a bit of a spot.

    Re money, my mum never really got to grips with it. The weekly wage, and later pension, was for spending. When it was paid into the bank she would withdraw it all and stash anything spare under the mattress. When my dad twigged about ISAs she went along with it but seemed to think that the money could not be touched for any reason (and again this was before AD set in). When my dad died I realised she had three Halifax Liquid Gold accounts, all paying peanuts in interest, and I suggest she consolidate two of them into a higher rate account, but it fell on deaf ears. Oh no, that is my holiday account, and that is my savings account. Yes mum, but putting them together will get a better rate of interest, and you only have to give 30 days notice to get the money. But supposing I want the money quicker? Mum, what on earth would you need the money quicker for? I don't know, I just might. So they were left as they were.

    Now she has AD, I have invoked the POA, sold her house, and totally revamped her finances. She stil keeps asking "have you drawn my pension this week?" - laugh a minute, cos the care home costs £500 a week - will you draw my pension and let me have it, there must be a lot of money in my pension account cos I haven't had any for ages! Er yes, like nil. And I get requests such as "When you next go to New Mills, will you go to the Halifax and draw out £20 for me". I daren't try explaining that these days I don't have to go to New Mills, I just go to a hole in a wall. So every person will be different about how they handle money, depending perhaps on how they managed money before they became ill.

    My mum is a laugh! I bought her a new dressing gown last week, and she wants to pay me for it. I bought it using her debit card, but all I could say was "I got the money out of your account". I suppose she might not like this, but I don't have the time to go and withdraw £25 to give to her to give to me to pay for the dressing gown.

    Love to everyone, eh we all have our difficulties. And mine are really minor compared to some.

  9. SusanB

    SusanB Registered User

    Jan 15, 2008
    Yes...the Money Thing!

    As mentioned, my Mum has problems with money. And sadly, she too, is obsessed with it, although before she was diagnosed with dementia there wasn't much of an issue. My Dad was alive and gave her "housekeeping" (which I always found rather insulting, but there you go!) with which she carefully budgeted.

    A good example was that recently her friend and neighbour was ill and Mum bought some milk and bread for her at the local shop but told me at least twice that "x hasn't given me the money for it yet"...this, when the poor lady was suffering with this dreadful vomiting bug. Any suggestions for trips to the theatre or a concert are always responded to with "yes, but we must pay for our own tickets".

    Most worrying though is "have I paid you?" when literally 30 seconds before she has paid me back for whatever - groceries, presents for the family, you name it. Also, I continually here the fact that she has no money when in fact there's at least £50 in her purse. Conversations go round and round and then I have to shut up as she gets upset.

    Recently, she took out a loan without realising it! I sorted it out but have warned my sisters and brother that we now do need to register the POA soonest.

    Every now and then I get phone calls stating that she never gets any bank statements - I know that these come every month. I then help her look for them they're in her drawer - she just didn't realise what they were. The statements are then filed (I do this for her) but then she forgets again and the conversations go round in a circle. It drives me mad...!

    However, she does trust me and often refers to me as "the one who helps me with money". She's vulnerable to being ripped off and robbed which makes me lose sleep at night sometimes.

    Anyway, good to know that I'm not the only one in this situation. It makes you think how much more complicated it is to manage money in 2008 vs. 1948!
  10. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    #30 Margarita, Jan 21, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2008

    For my mother before , when she did not have medication for AZ she could not comprehend it, seem like she had no awareness , that I could of told her anything she would not be able to understand

    with awareness she found it all to distressing to be told about it , when I mention it to her. so after an episode of becoming very distress , I don't mention it any more .

    Just learn to work around it .

    The only issue I had with her not admitting they anything wrong with her, was all to do with accepting help from me, but work around that . then had to work around mum accepting help from anyone else then me.

    I just learn to work around it all, " They nothing wrong with me .

    strangely she know she repeating the same question to me over , over , during the whole period of the day, because she just not ask the question right out

    As in

    " what does my horoscope say "

    She say

    " I did not hear you before (pointing to her ear ) what did you say about my horoscope "

    All you can do is Test the water , so to speak . ( if you want ) by telling him . if he became distress , like my mother did -

    I just said it me being silly then distracted her , Change the subject .
  11. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Wendy,

    I'm sorry to hear about your Dad going missing. It happened to us last year, my Dad walked out of a meeting about 7 miles from home. He was missing for about 3 and a 1/2 hours. We had the Police looking for him before he eventually turned up at home. We have no idea how he got home or where he was during that time.

    Since then I have got him an ID card with all his details on, our mobile numbers and details of his condition and allergies - he is allergic to tea and coffee and I know if some good samaritan took him in the first thing they would do is give him a cup of tea! He insists on carrying his wallet everywhere - one advantage of the money obsession- so he always has it with him. Fortunately so far this incident was a one-off so the card has not been put to the test. If your Dad insists on carrying his keys the pet tag sounds like a good idea for him.

    One other thing, I met the Police at the place he had walked out of and had to fill in a missing persons report, including a description of my Dad. His description sounded like it could have been anyone:- tallish, grey hair, medium build. The Police asked me if he had any obvious features such as a tattoo or a mohican! (the latter was an example given on the form not the Police being a bit thick, they were excellent). So it may be an idea have a picture of your Dad handy (and several copies you can hand out) so you can say "he looks like this".

    Glad he turned up safe and well. As I say this has not happened again with my Dad (so far) and I hope it turns out to be a one-off for you.
  12. wendyg70

    wendyg70 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2008
    Brentwood, Essex
    Hi Sue, thanks for the advice. When I left my home to search for my father my 13 year old daughter suggested a photo, as i was already en-route i picked up from my mums house, I will keep it in my car, but hopefully wont have to use it again!! But I thought to myself, he must be like so many other elderly men, grey hair, black jacket, etc how will they ever find him.

    We have had a bad week with dad, he has been more confused than ever before, its so sad. Whats even sadder is that sometimes he is aware that he cannot remember who mum is or where he is or has been. He asks us to try to explain, which we do, but he simply cant grasp it. Sometimes he will just remember who mum is and come and give her a tearfull cuddle. Othertimes he just cannot comprehend who she is and thinks she is a total stranger. He seems to have gone off of the idea that she is his mother.

    In a previous post it was mentioned that music sometimes helps, mum has been putting on the cd's during the day and when they went to sleep last night she left Pavarotti singing quietly in the background. Dad was whistling and humming (something that he always used to do, but not so much lately) and eventually drifted off to sleep. He still woke in the night to ask his usual questions, ie who are you, where am I, where is the toilet etc., but mum just answered with 'come on turn over, i put some nice music on for you to help you sleep' and he seemed to accept it. Mum said she had a better night with him :)

    I must say, that I do feel somewhat selfish as all I seem to do is talk on about my dear old dad and wonderful mum. ALthough dad has had dementia for a couple of years now up until just before xmas it really didnt pose to much of a problem for us we were able to cope. I feel that I havent really any advice to offer others as I feel quite new to dealing with this horrible condition. I do hope that one day I am able to offer words of advice and comfort as you all do. Thank you all very much for your support and kind words. Wendy x
  13. scatterbrain

    scatterbrain Registered User

    Jan 10, 2008
    she's vulnerable to being ripped off ...

    the comment about being vulnerable to being ripped off really rang a bell for me. My Mum was living on her own 2 hours drive away from me until last year. Roughly two years ago now I discovered that she had given someone about £26K for no reason that I could find or that she could remember. She had no idea that she had done it, or who the person was, or what it was about. I think the only reason it stopped there was that the account she used was empty and she had forgotten she had others. I organised a POA immediately - Mum's GP was brilliant, I couldn't have done it without his support.
    Since then, Mum was diagnosed first with dementia and then, after moving to Berkshire, with Alzheimers. She is in a lovely residential place now (near where we live) where she will be able to stay even when her condition deteriorates - as I know it will. It is hard to accept, but I have to be realistic.
    I am very lucky because Mum trusts me with her finances, so I have had no difficulty in taking over for her. She keeps thinking that she has no money and no pension and then she starts asking me how much the home is costing. Sometimes she remembers that she had a house and sold it, but she doesn't rememer how much for! I just tell her each time she asks, and sometimes she gets a bit sad because she realises that she has asked the same question several times but she still doesn't know the answer.
    In case you are wondering: we never got the money back. The police found the man, but there was no proof and Mum couldn't identify him or remember anything about it so there was nothing they could do. Maybe he will think twice about trying it on someone else, though.
    Anyway, my main point was just that we are talking about very vulnerable people. PoA's enable us to protect them from the predators and we should not be shy about making use of them. If I had been more aware of what was happening to Mum, maybe she would be £26K better off now ...? That's water under the bridge and I am not actually worrying about it, but I hope you see what I mean!
  14. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Scatterbrain, so sad to hear of your mum being ripped off of such a large amount. I have POA, but I am not sure it would protect from such a scam as the bank told me that they would not stop a transaction from my mum, she would still have access to her money as she did before. The only way to stop that would be if we both needed to sign for withdrawals, but then mum isn't usually in a fit state to sign. Wouldn't know what she was signing for. I am really not sure how such a scan could be prevented, perhaps someone on here can tell tell us.

    My mum can't actually withdraw anything now cos she used to have a "bank book" and everything now is online, so unless she knew what she was doing she wouldn't be able to get access to her money, cos she thinks she has to have a book.

    I can't remember who posted about mum wanting money in her purse, but mine is the same. "I could do with another £20" she says. Okay, how much have you got? Oh, only about £50. Her only cost is £5 a week for the hairdresser and £8 a quarter for the chiropodist. It is my birthday this week, and I have bought myself a nice bottle of wine from my mum, and hubby has told her about it - £9.99, reduced to £4.99, so that will come out of her bank account at some point. Which leads me to another post.

    Good luck

  15. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005

    Dear Wendy,

    Please don't feel you have to be doing anything more than you are already doing. As you can see from the responses to your post, it has opened up a lot of discussion, and some excellent ideas from others. This is how we all learn about this awful disease.

    I find I am much less agitated about aspects of Mum's disease than I would otherwise have been, because I say to myself "Ahhh, I read about this on TP!"

    So everyone's experiences combine to bring us information that is helpful at some point.

    May I say I do hope most sincerely for your sakes you do not have to go through the "missing" experience ever again though? Such a terrible worry. Glad too that your Dad is soothed by the music. Congratulations on your Mum for thinking of it!

    Thinking of you and sending you good wishes.
  16. wendyg70

    wendyg70 Registered User

    Jan 9, 2008
    Brentwood, Essex
    Thank you for your words Nell :)
    Like you I also find comfort (if you can call it that)in sometimes reading that things we are going through and dealing with are actually quite common place in dementia sufferers. It definately helps to know that we are not alone and that there is always someone willing to reply with either answer or words of support.
    The idea of listening to music didnt come from came from reading through the postings here!!! and it definately does help dad to relax and subsequently mum relaxes a litte too :D
    Thinking of you all too, take care and keep well. Wendy x

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