1. sunny

    sunny Registered User

    Sep 1, 2006
    My adoptive mother has V.D. now and I must say it has been quite difficult and challenging, but an added difficulty is being adopted it does alter the family dynamics. I have always known she was not my "real" mother and she has 1 son from birth who very obviously she was closer to. However, a lot of the caring has fallen to me and I must say I feel a little resentful at times. Are there any others out there who are adopted and find themselves in a similar position?
  2. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Not similar as in there are 'siblings'..... but so understand the 'family dynamics' (or dysfunctions) of being an adopted child.... find it wonderful, but hard, to accept that where I always felt 'second best' (to any of mum's 'blood relations') ... being 'numero uno' all of a sudden comes with a mixture of joy, sadness and cynicism....., yup, and sheer hard work which no-one 'blood-related' seems to care about ... perhaps they think this is my 'duty' for having been 'rescued' by her through adoption.......

    Sorry, bad day today...... might or might not be what you wanted to hear .....

    Love, Karen, (TF) x
  3. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    I'm an "only" so I don't have any experience of siblings but...

    If you look through the boards, you will find many example of situations where the lion's share of caring has fallen to one person (normally female) while another sibling (normally male) is regarded as wonderful, although they do little or nothing (quite a few posters seem to have the Messiah for a brother!). So resentment is not unusual at all, even in families where adoption is not an issue. I'm not sure that helps (probably not) but I just wanted to reassure you that you're not the only one to feel resentment, howsoever caused.

  4. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    I am one of three siblings, my sister and I care, my brother doesn't!

    I don't know if it would matter if some or all of us were adopted or not, that is how we are.

    Some people can cope and others either can't or won't, my sister and I have had to learn to accept the situation and concentrate on making sure Mum is as well and content as she can be. my brother chooses to focus on "his inheritance" disappearing........the fact that it is actually Mum's money doesn't seem to occur to him.

    The way I see it, my brother is the one missing out on his Mum's last few months or years, luckily, Mum rarely knows us any more so, hopefully, doesn't miss my brother.......he always was her favourite as a child simply because he was a boy!

    But she loved my sister and I too and we love her to bits, we would rather have her than any amount of money, thank you!

  5. noelphobic

    noelphobic Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Kathleen I just had to say that you could be describing my situation exactly! My brother hasn't seen my mum at all since December last year and phones my sister on the very odd occasion just to ask how much the nursing home fees are. He is also worried about 'his' inheritance.

    It wouldn't be as bad if he used his energies on campaigning against nursing home residents having to pay their own way!

    Obviously he is still the favourite!
  6. sunny

    sunny Registered User

    Sep 1, 2006
    Thank u

    Thank you for your replies, very helpful indeed. Only people going thru it understand it (especially TF). I feel I am not alone now! Nice to get it off my chest.
    I would certainly agree that it seems many sons do not want to look after their mothers even though "the sun has shone out of their backside", why is this so? anybody got an answer?(Puzzled)
  7. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
    I am not in your situation but do recognise the 'symptoms'.

    Monique my wife frequently tells me she would like to 'go home' and - or be with her brother - He is wonderful.... Well so wonderful he 'forbade' me to move to near Versailles where he and his wife live not far from their daughter.. He did not want any daily involvement.

    My suspicion is that AD suffers 'long' for a happier place which is not so confusing and that place is a memory of a childhood 'home' where everything was safe and secure. They also long for somebody who is going to make them feel better and that person is not the one looking after them - rather someone who once was close and part of their childhood security and they see so infrequently the visits are always joyful and too brief...

    So what? I think most of us do this because we want to... If you don't want to the I can see no possible reason for continuing..

  8. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Sons & daughters, adopted or 'natural' ...

    My brother (half-brother actually, but I've never thought of him that way) lives in Australia, which obviously throws extra difficulties in his way when it comes to how much he can help. There's no question of him being worried about 'inheritance' matters, and I know the situation sits heavily on his shoulders (the guilt-monster :D is international) but it would be a little help if he would at least pick up the phone and talk to Mum once a week, or even once a month, while she can still use the phone & know who he is. He came over in June, but has only spoken to her twice since then, one of which was when I phoned him. I appreciate it must be distressing for him, but it means so much to her (at the moment). This time next year, she may not have the same abilities.
  9. candymostdandy@

    candymostdandy@ Registered User

    May 12, 2006
    west sussex
    85 year old mum with dementia lives with me and my family

    Took her to see gynacologist this afternoon and she asked mum

    "how many children do you have"?

    mums reply "this useless one here and two sons"

    and I'm not even adopted, good thing I have a good sense of humour

    by the way son no 1, lives abroad and only phones very rarely, son no 2 wanted to put her in a home..

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