Tired of battling through life

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Doodles87, Oct 15, 2019.

  1. Doodles87

    Doodles87 Registered User

    Sep 4, 2018
    I'm so tired of battling through life, I'm 32 with 2 infant school age children. My dad got dementia early and seems to have been symptomatic for 9 years although only diagnosed last year following a water infection. He has shown signs of agression over the last year but the last couple of weeks it's really ramped up. From others past experience, how long have your loved ones been so aggressive for? He's not ready for residential care, it would kill him. We are a caring family with our world turned upside down. Dad has dementia (vascular and Alzheimer's), mum has depression, I had pnd which is now still lingering 4 years on. Mum's mum has vascular dementia. Everytime we think things are on the up, some other drama happens. It sounds so cruel but my dad would be mortified with his behaviour and it's a real struggle to enjoy family the anymore as there is always some incident or another. When will this all end!?
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    I wish I could tell you @Doodles87

    Dementia dominates all areas of family life and there doesn`t seem to be any escape.

    All I can say is get as much help as you can, if you can, and encourage your mother to ask for help too. If your father`s aggression is worrying, perhaps a confidential visit to his doctor might help. If there is no LPA, the doctor will still listen even if they can`t discuss.
  3. Doodles87

    Doodles87 Registered User

    Sep 4, 2018
    Thank you for your reply. We have spoken to the doctor and asked for help. Dad was going to a club which he's now been thrown out of and he's refusing to hi anywhere else, we have tried. Mum can't even go to the toilet on her own. He refuses to wash, refuses to go to any groups as there's nothing wrong with him, he just gets so aggressive. I try to support my mum but she's at breaking point and so am I. I just never imagined life could be so cruel.my children don't deserve a childhood like this.
  4. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    I’m concerned about your dad’s aggression getting worse @Doodles87 Is your mum safe with him?

    I know you say your dad isn’t ready for residential care yet but I wonder if he could have temporary assessment care to see if he could have some medication to help with the aggression? Or at least some respite to give your mum a break.

    As there is “nothing wrong” with your dad have you tried getting him a “job” at a daycare centre. The staff could pretend he was a volunteer and his help is really needed. I’ve read of this ploy being used successfully with others who think there’s nothing wrong with them.
  5. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @Doodles87, it's important to deal with this development of aggression and also protect your family if it ever involves actual violence. I agree that a chat with the GP or a needs assessment is a good start.

    There's a Factsheet about this issue and in the hope that you can get some advice from it here's a link to it https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

    I have often seen it advised to back away when there is aggression, or if violence is involved to have a safe room, with a safe exit, available and keep a phone to hand in case help needs to be summoned.

    This may seem like a step too far. However, I have read that it can be useful to report any physical assault to the police as they will record that and this can be useful as a paper trail if you ever seek assistance from Social Services in the future.

    If you want to talk it through with anyone the experts on the help line can be good, details as follows

    National Dementia Helpline
    0300 222 11 22
    Our helpline advisers are here for you.
    Helpline opening hours:
    Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
    Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
    Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

    Live on-line advice is also available in the UK and you can see the details of that if you follow this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline/live-online-advice
  6. davidsitges

    davidsitges Registered User

    Apr 26, 2018
    I was lucky, the aggression stage only lasted a few months with my OH, hope it will be the same for you. There are medications which can help reduce it - and what I was given works very quickly!
    Unfortunately, no-one can predict how this awful disease will develop. The other comments are right - the more support you can get from doctors, social services, friends, neighbours, etc - the better for all the family. Stay strong, you are doing very well for both parents.
  7. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    mum was very aggressive towards me & now she’s on memantine she’s much calmer & nicer to be around
  8. Fishgirl

    Fishgirl Registered User

    Sep 9, 2019
    My heart goes out to you Doodles87, just when you and your mum and dad should be making happy memories with the kids, this horrible disease snatches it all away from you, and makes you feel so wretched!
    My husband did go through a period of aggressive behaviour and it’s really frightening, I hadn’t found this forum then and didn’t know what to do except to tell the doctor, and he increased his Donepezil to 10 mg, whether this brought about the change in behaviour or not, I’m not really sure because it took a while,but eventually it passed and he seems now to have regressed into a sort of childlike behaviour which brings its own problems but not as bad as the aggression! I would definitely take the advice on here, if it were to happen again. Hope you soon find some help soon! xx

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