Tired, fed up and Guilty

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Ashburton, Aug 19, 2007.

  1. Ashburton

    Ashburton Registered User

    Feb 19, 2007
    99
    I just really need to get this off my chest, it just feels that my mum is getting worse day by day and there is nothing I can do about it. And I feel I am getting upset by silly things that I know I shouldn't and I hate myself for it and feel I am letting my mum down, this weekend things are finally starting to hit me, mum is just constantly walking around the house during the day and won't sit down,she will sit down for a quick bite to eat and will be off again. She will want to go to the toilet and I will go to bring her in but then she says she does not like the bathroom and won't go to the toilet, and then the constant walking around the house starts again and she will always call out for me when she is at the far end of the house. We went to the supermarket today and people were looking at my mum and I wanted the earth to swallow me up, and I feel terrible for feeling like this. I know the strain is showing on my face and my mum picks up on this and I feel so guilty for this,because I know that she knows that I am upset. I try and speak quietly all the time but sometimes my voice is raised and I hate myself for it. My mum is having a rest at the moment and I am catching up with things around the house and I am glad that she is asleep and I feel terrible about feeling like this.
     
  2. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    sounds like I am reading about myself

    I felt like that also , don't be its so understandable , what I found help full when I got like that is taking a respite , I don't know what your situation is about taking respite .

    but I found that helpful also organizing time out with day-center , now mum mobility worse so she does not wonder around so much following me , but she still calls me if I am not around after waking up from a nap wanting to know where , what I am doing .
     
  3. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Does anyone what to take the challenge on ?

    We all feel GUILT on a daily basis. So here is a starter and lets have a go.

    GUILT GIVING
    U UNCONDITIONALLY
    I INDEFFINATE
    L LOVE
    T THROUGHOUT

    as for the courage, dedicated carers'.

    C COMPASSIONT
    A ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
    R RESPECT
    E EVERYTHING
    R REGARDLESS

    I should be writing the Alzheimers Branch minutes but that can wait. To morrow is another day.
     
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Ashburton,
    You sound really tired.
    The endless walking really gets you down doesnt it - my mum was the same. I dont think there is anything that you can do about it - you just have to try and close it out.

    Remember going round a supermarket with mum and a male assistant ws bening over stacking shelves - and she smacked him on the bottom!!! He stood up astonished, mum kept walking and I was left trying to apologise and catch up with mum before she did anything else. I did laugh afterwards though.

    Walk proud when you are out with your mum. She has an illness that may make her behaviour strange. If necessary quickly explain to people that she has dementia. The earth does not need to swallow you up. You are out with the person that raised you, presumably the person that loved you and you love - be proud of your mum, whatever she does - she is dealing with a debilitating illness. If people stare, it is they who have the problem of not undersatnding - not you and your mum.

    Love Helen
     
  5. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi

    When I was out with Mum and Dad, in supermarkets and Mum, did weird, funny things, I just mouthed sorry, smiled and shrugged, at other people.

    Normally they got the message and were very understanding.

    I think it is a matter of us accepting things as they are and not getting upset when the embarrasing moment happens.

    Mum has caused me to have quite a few embarrasing moments, but it helps to see the humour in these situations

    Alfjess
     
  6. TinaT

    TinaT Registered User

    Sep 27, 2006
    7,095
    Bolton
    Your post left me with tears. I've been in your position and felt exactly how you have felt. Imagine the guilt feelings I have when I tell you it iwas my husband of 40 years who was the sufferer of these feelings I had. He is now in an assessment unit and unlikely to come home ever again. All I can do now is to love him, visit him every day and do as much as I can to keep him as happy as he can be. God bless you and keep you strong xx TinaT
     
  7. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Shopping in the early stages

    Peter use to go down each isle and put loads of things in, normally junk food. When he was not looking I replaced it. At the time he was drinking Bacardi and able to read. Peter picked up 2 bottles of Barcardi, when I ask him why 2 he said "There is a sign down there" Buy one get one free. I did not have the heart to put the second bottle back. They do embarrassing things but we can laugh at them at a later stage. On one occassion we went into Morrison where we had been shopping for a long time and he asked Peter how he was. Peter replied he had Alzheimers and on top of that said "If you see me going through the door without my wife, please stop me. You cannot make lots of these things up. Best wishes. Christine
     
  8. paris07

    paris07 Registered User

    Jul 11, 2007
    74
    australia
    Hi Ashburton,
    Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel, my mum had her last fall on Saturday morning and has not got out off bed since (only to go to the toilet with my help) I serve all her meals on a tray, she calls me just to ask what I am doing and to straighten the covers but sometimes I feel that that is better than the constant shadowing and standing behind me ,then I feel guilty about my nasty thoughts.
    My friends tell me I should think more of myself and not give in so much , but that is not easy when you have been looking after someone for so long ,and you care..
    I do hope you can get some help with your mum and try not to feel too bad about youself I can assure you , you have a lot of friends here on TP that understand .
    All the best
    Paris07
     
  9. Ashburton

    Ashburton Registered User

    Feb 19, 2007
    99
    Thanks for all your kind words, am feeling much better now myself, compared to earlier in the evening, suppose things just got to me, so wish there was a cure for this horrible illness, but there is not, so have to make the best of what we got.
     
  10. Ashburton

    Ashburton Registered User

    Feb 19, 2007
    99
     
  11. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Well done Ashburton - be proud - she will be your mum till the day she dies - and you will go on loving her - and somewhere, maybe deep inside her, she will know you and love you.
    Love Helen
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,550
    Kent
    And well done Helen, for making such a difference.
     
  13. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    16,103
    Toronto, Canada
    It's natural to feel tired, angry, fed up, to want not to be there, to be embarrassed by the person with AD. These feelings often hit us. We get by them - sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it's a long while. You may have periods when you are indifferent also. It's a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

    You're also trying to cope with the fact that your mother is getting worse and you can't do anything about it. I'm a problem-fixer by nature so I found it very very difficult to come to grips with the fact that I couldn't fix this problem.

    It's okay to be upset, it's okay to be glad she's asleep. You are tired, tired, tired and need a break. You've had some good advice about getting respite care or maybe a day centre for your mother. Please look into that - you need to take care of yourself first or you won't be able to take care of your mother.
     

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