Tips for ‘moving on’

[AliceA]

I resonate with electric vibration, thank you for the poem.
I dream and they comfort too.
Kindest regards, A x

 

[AliceA]

In three days I shall be starting the third year without my soulmate of 64 years.
I still get a trigger at unexpected times;
sometimes these still bring the pain of loss, I miss the Physicality, the hug, the kiss on the top of my head as he passed the back of the chair.
Sometimes the tears are full of smiles as I remember.
Sometimes it is laughter as I remember a joke or the sweet fun.

As some else said I also feel I am still his wife, just as one would if life had taken him on a trip beyond sight. I just continue to do many things on behalf the two of us, although in my name.
I still have family concerns that he would be concerned about too.
I support things he would have supported.

That said I am alone! It has taken a while to adjust,
It took a long time to stop buying things he liked as I realised I only bought because he enjoyed these not me.
I lost interest in new clothes, I who thought I bought for me missed the interest or the sparkle in the eye. I have now bought a few things again.

Gradually but slowly there is a change, for anyone who has lost I recommend a poem by John O'Donohue called For Grief, he wrote this for his mother.
It is easily found n the Webb. A real treat is his book To bless the space between us.
The poem speaks of how fragile we become, how on a happy day we can be thrown onto the black tide of loss. He calls grief, work, I have found it surely is.
Near the end he talks about entering into the hearth in your soul where your loved one has awaited your return.

I am sorting out some papers, I found a poem I wrote seven days after primal grief that had made me sound like a wounded animal. It was full of gratitude for what we had, the fact it was I and not him left to face whatever. I surprised myself when I found this. Yet at the worst times, it is gratitude that has been a balm, not a cure but has eased the sharp edges and my, they can be sharp!

What has certainly helped me out is that I speak to him aloud as if he is there but not in the range of sight. I tell him the good and the bad, I remark on the beautiful sky, the small joys we shared.
Sometimes I get a thought of what he would have said, occasionally it surprises me but eventually makes sense. Sometimes I just laugh at outdated words I have not heard since young.

Yet this is not a Miss Haversham life!
I was invited to a Zoom conference a few weeks after April 2020, it was about end of life care, I spoke to doctors. My passion came over, my remarks were in the summing up.
Lockdowns were a mixed blessing, they gave me time but denied the normal support from taking up activities or doing normal things to meet others. I lacked support so was thrown back on my own resilience. I took to Zoom discussions.

The age of loss must be a factor, I dislike the idea of moving on, simply because I know the people we love become part of us, so what ever we do we take stuff with us.
Good and bad, like steel we need fire and water.
Izzy once posted a very good video about grief, our new life grows around the grief.

I am pretty old, but if I were ten, twenty years or more younger I know my life would be different, my needs would be different some harder and some easier.
each of us has to work ar our own pace and capability no ones else's,
One thing we will all find there is plenty of well meaning but useless advice out there. A friend and often have had a good laugh about it.
Let's just be kind to ourselves so we can be kind to others. People just do not know what to say. Just as with dementia some want an easy answer for their own comfort.

Gradually, I am picking up a new life, I am doing things differently, my own health slows me but that aside I have achieved a lot. Caring is a good training ground!
What helps me may not help others.

Just an update, the day came and went, grief flooded in, sweeping me off my feet, again took me by surprise at the depth, slowly I surfaced. We can never be fully prepared, grief sweeps in when it wills. Yes, not so often perhaps.
Now on a sunny Easter Day, I am sleeplily relaxed rembering the joys of past Easters shared. Someone even delivered an unexpected Easter Egg.
So to all those out there, when it gets really bad, it can but get better.
I am giving myself a day of kindness, before taking up the rounds of this life.

 

[update2020]

Just an update, the day came and went, grief flooded in, sweeping me off my feet, again took me by surprise at the depth, slowly I surfaced. We can never be fully prepared, grief sweeps in when it wills. Yes, not so often perhaps.
Now on a sunny Easter Day, I am sleeplily relaxed rembering the joys of past Easters shared. Someone even delivered an unexpected Easter Egg.
So to all those out there, when it gets really bad, it can but get better.
I am giving myself a day of kindness, before taking up the rounds of this life.

 

[update2020]

I’m glad that you coped with your anniversary. I’m doing better thanks to some time with family. Like you I’m alone again this weekend and doing very, very little. ❤️❤️❤️

 

[update2020]

I no longer do things for him all the time. Spending time with family and friends is good. The dreadful news keeps my little loss in perspective. But I’m still haunted by awful dreams of the difficult times from which I wake screaming and there seems so little reason for being here. I just wasn’t like this before. I kept on going. I kept on coping.

 

[AliceA]

I’m glad that you coped with your anniversary. I’m doing better thanks to some time with family. Like you I’m alone again this weekend and doing very, very little. ❤️❤️❤️

I no longer do things for him all the time. Spending time with family and friends is good. The dreadful news keeps my little loss in perspective. But I’m still haunted by awful dreams of the difficult times from which I wake screaming and there seems so little reason for being here. I just wasn’t like this before. I kept on going. I kept on coping.

I am sorry that I have not replied before, I gave myself a break from being on line. The last two weeks or so have been challenging, nothing important but time consuming. I do have a cleaner, she failed to come several times, so I over stretched and my body let me know it! Tradesmen needed to be chased etc.

yesterday was another special day for memories, I could remember and smile although a few tears mingled.

I am sorry about these terrible dreams, sometimes it helps to write these down, rather like getting them out your head. Then burn them or shred them.
On one special day alone, I wrote about happy memories, events, little bits of shared life. Somehow I was back in time and more memories popped up.

I feel sometimes when we look back we are too hard on ourselves, we did the best with what we had at the time. After being so focused on another it does seem question our purpose.
there are lulls then something happens, and we help another unexpectedly.
I think our pain then brings an understanding.

Fine words but sometimes we just need to howl and hug ourselves!
I miss not sharing the small joys.

 

[update2020]

I am sorry that I have not replied before, I gave myself a break from being on line. The last two weeks or so have been challenging, nothing important but time consuming. I do have a cleaner, she failed to come several times, so I over stretched and my body let me know it! Tradesmen needed to be chased etc.

yesterday was another special day for memories, I could remember and smile although a few tears mingled.

I am sorry about these terrible dreams, sometimes it helps to write these down, rather like getting them out your head. Then burn them or shred them.
On one special day alone, I wrote about happy memories, events, little bits of shared life. Somehow I was back in time and more memories popped up.

I feel sometimes when we look back we are too hard on ourselves, we did the best with what we had at the time. After being so focused on another it does seem question our purpose.
there are lulls then something happens, and we help another unexpectedly.
I think our pain then brings an understanding.

Fine words but sometimes we just need to howl and hug ourselves!
I miss not sharing the small joys.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, @AliceA . I think that writing the bad dreams down and then burning them is a good idea. They certainly stick around. It seems I get a new one every other night - all based in some unpleasant reality. Today is my first wedding anniversary since he died. I made sure that I was distracted and have mostly managed to ignore it.

 

[AliceA]

Yes, anniversaries are difficult, it seems we never know where they will take us. I am on my third round now, they are always a mix of grief, tears and joy.

I dream, I usually think about them sometimes there seems a message hidden. The other night it seemed so important I got up and typed out that one on the laptop. I do not go for standard meanings as in books about dreams but I do feel that going into our own inner beginning they can help us cope, even the bad ones, i call these defrag dreams, just sorting out the rubbish and putting the rest in order! Best not to take them literally or though some may be.
sometimes it is the timing that is out or our experience.
I remember one where the front door to my fathers house was too high, then I found a path around to the back, so I felt the message was always look for another way, take the easier path and accept . We can be hard on ourselves.

probably worth writing those remembered down. Good luck!

 

[update2020]

Thank you.

 

[update2020]

My favourite regular torture is watching Episodes of Escape to the Country: all those happy couples moving onto new adventures together. ???They did once have one based on someone whose husband was in a care home living with dementia but it’s not something you see often on TV.

 

[update2020]

Seven months on. The nightmares (fingers crossed) seem to have stopped. I’m not just booking but actively enjoying booking a future holiday. I still struggle with finding a meaningful purpose in living (if I am honest). I spend way more time on here, thinking through all that happened, than I ever did before.

 

[Izzy]

Seven months on. The nightmares (fingers crossed) seem to have stopped. I’m not just booking but actively enjoying booking a future holiday. I still struggle with finding a meaningful purpose in living (if I am honest). I spend way more time on here, thinking through all that happened, than I ever did before.

I’m glad the nightmares have stopped. It sounds as if you are making really positive steps. I can understand your struggle but things will gradually change as time goes on. It’s 6 years next month since my husband died. he’s still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. In between times now though my memories of him are the positive ones of the good times we had. I’m sure it will be the same for you.

Good luck with the holiday booking - and the holiday!

 

[update2020]

I’m glad the nightmares have stopped. It sounds as if you are making really positive steps. I can understand your struggle but things will gradually change as time goes on. It’s 6 years next month since my husband died. he’s still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. In between times now though my memories of him are the positive ones of the good times we had. I’m sure it will be the same for you.

Good luck with the holiday booking - and the holiday!

Thank you ?. Yes I think the constant thoughts will always be there. Thank you for sharing.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@AliceA Thank you for sharing the John O Donahue poem For Grief. I've never heard of him and had to look it up. It's a beautiful poem and very apt.

 

[mojogirl]

Seven months on. The nightmares (fingers crossed) seem to have stopped. I’m not just booking but actively enjoying booking a future holiday. I still struggle with finding a meaningful purpose in living (if I am honest). I spend way more time on here, thinking through all that happened, than I ever did before.

I understand this completely...i lost my husband of 43 years Aug. 18th....and i am beyond lost now....he didnt live with me the past year...as he was in hospital awaiting a nursing home that never came...I have some really bad dreams too...i see him running down the street in his hospital gown with me chasing him afraid he will get lost...i spent today thinking about going on a trip...its like i want to do everything and nothing at the same time....I live in Canada but my background is irish...i want to return there....but the seaside is too cold... and i need somewhere warm...i really appreciate everyone here...it helps me know tho alone you feel less so

 

[update2020]

18 months on. I’ve made tons of progress. The holidays were life saving, I think literally. Met lots of new people, took up new hobbies, got some of my fitness back. Life did go on.

On the other hand it’s a bit like being an addict and coming back here I can feel the old bad habits and memories returning along with the nightmares. But I think I understand much better how to manage this now. Reading through all your old messages really helps. So glad AlzSoc provide this forum. I’m raising some money for them by joining in Trek26. Feels good to do something positive. xxx

 

[Izzy]

I’m so pleased to read your post @update2020.

Well done and good luck with Trek26!

 

[LynneMcV]

The Trek26 will be amazing @update2020 - well done on all you've achieved and will go on to achieve 👍

 

[update2020]

The Trek26 will be amazing @update2020 - well done on all you've achieved and will go on to achieve 👍

Thank you both Lynne and @Izzy ! Not sure if I can walk that far but will give it my best. 14 miles is the longest so far……

 

[Glen's girl]

For 15 years I cared for my husband with eoAD. He died one month ago. My question is this: for all that time and longer he was at the centre of my thoughts and of every decision I made. Even when he moved to a nursing home around 2.5 years ago I visited and there were constant worries about his health. How do I decentre him from all that I do? There is now nothing he needs from me but I still find myself structuring each day around something ‘for’ him. Everything I do is an attempt to distract myself. Even when I’m working (I work part time). I could easily live another 20-30 years (I am early 60s), but cannot bear the thought of constantly living with these thoughts. Tips?

This is a very difficult time period. We structure our lives around the ill spouse and when they die that structure is no longer necessary. This leaves us with holes in our day the size of the Grand Canyon. My dad wrote a diary of sorts after my mother died. In part it was to help others. The diary begins on p.2.
I just posted a booklet for another member. Perhaps it will be helpful.

Picking Up The Pieces: The Proven Formula For Successful Care! (Carer Fast Track® Series Book 11) Kindle Edition​