• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

TIPPING POINT

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,834
We are a pretty mixed bunch on here, it must be very hard emotionally for younger older Carers, who expected more from retirement than this. Watching others still able to be active together.
Even Older Carers may have enjoyed a bit of retirement together but physically are frailer to cope.
I felt a wreck last week, sciatica, a uti, and start of a cold. Madly self treating all three. Two down one to go!

I think MaryJoans situation is unbearable we need to feel safe in our own home.
When I get cold my body and mind closes down so I empathise.

When I get down I think of the ancient Chinese story of the farmer and his son. A bit of selftreatment for emotions. I helps me, well most of the time. Google has several versions.
Nothing stops the emotional ride, it's twists and turns catches us unawares.
Dutchman hits the nail for me, a surge of compassion kicks in most unexpectedly when I tip and tips me back again. Still shaky and wobbly but ready to tip again in another direction. It is like white water rafting.
One never knows what is next, just to cling to the paddle Come what may.

Seeing GP today, with a long list, most of what I need is not on prescription!
Todays Tipping Point for me x 2

1 was the copy of my Carers Assessment - wasn't till I read it properly I realised how truly awful things are!

2 When it was his 70th a couple of years back, I booked a holiday in Scotland for the both of us - this was, significantly before he became ill, before he had a stoma he cannot manage, before the dementia got as bad as it is.

Problem - I have accidently discovered indications that he might have done something similar for me - big birthday on Sunday.

Simply not an option now with the state of him, and our lives in general, and I know we cannot afford it............ could be embarrassing in front of all the family - will just have to blag it very kindly, I suppose
A tough one, but quite touching too. Good luck. X
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,834
Hi @maryjoan...I am having different but similar issues. My newest carer keeps showing up early...by 2 or more hours. She says she is trying to be flexible?? What am I crazy. Asked her to care from 7 to 10 so I could go the the symphony. She came at 5 PM ? My request was in writing. But she says if she goes home after her first job it is a hassle for her and so it works better for her to come directly from work.
Am I crazy??
I feel at the mercy of these carers I need so I can continue my own life. All of them want to work more hours...do I just look like an easy target? Its a pretty easy job, Sit with him, make cups of tea, change the tv channels.
I used the time to clearly tell her that she cannot come two hours early to work….
but when I saw her listed hours for last night, she counted in those two hours towards her pay for the evening.
I give up!!
Needs to be nipped in the bud I think! What else would she do to suit herself?
I almost had a cleaner, I liked her but then she changed her hours before she started. I said I would rethink, still thinking it out.
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
New South Wales Australia
Probably I feel guilty about this but I have a really good carer - who comes when I ask -(mostly) and once or twice a week- and spends her spare time between offering cups of tea - cleaning. She’s an angel really- and my husband isn’t that keen on her- but I just say - “she’s here to help me and she’s wonderful” - he is giving up on the criticism but I notice he will sometimes just remove himself - ie go sit outside when she is inside .,but I won’t let him win on this one!! Mudjoy ((((hugs and love to you all ))).
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
I lay in bed reading this thread and found it, well..... interesting, useful, upsetting, etc etc.
It was such a good idea for a thread MaryJoan, and one that I will look forward to keeping an eye on.
Thank you, love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,834
Yes, it is a very good idea of MaryJoan.

I slept well, even with a cough. Sorted out some cards/gifts as a daughter from a far was visiting and could take to her family. I was not to happy to find glitter from one box of cards everywhere, the problem with having to shop on line. I think it so bad for the environment. However, the sun is shining,

Now I feel tipped! Daughter two has been talking to daughter one.

They have decided we should get out and socialise more!!!
We have no transport, walking at night is a down right dangerous, that leaves coffee mornings! I have never been a fan of these! I never play bingo either!
My husband cannot hear in a crowded hall. Conversations can be quite repetitive, I can cope with that, I put on my listening ears, but it leaves me tired and unsatisfied. I still have to get home and prepare lunch.
Our life of lectures, discussions and lively conversations have been replaced with online lectures, TV discussions and radio. Talking Point is invaluable.

So perhaps I am over sensitive, but it sounded as if all would be well if I went out more!
So I wave them good bye for a night away together, just waiting for a fairy godmother, a pumpkin etc. Etc.
I hope the glass slipped is well padded and low heeled. I joke but really want to cry with frustration.
The day started so well..............
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
Yes, it is a very good idea of MaryJoan.

I slept well, even with a cough. Sorted out some cards/gifts as a daughter from a far was visiting and could take to her family. I was not to happy to find glitter from one box of cards everywhere, the problem with having to shop on line. I think it so bad for the environment. However, the sun is shining,

Now I feel tipped! Daughter two has been talking to daughter one.

They have decided we should get out and socialise more!!!
We have no transport, walking at night is a down right dangerous, that leaves coffee mornings! I have never been a fan of these! I never play bingo either!
My husband cannot hear in a crowded hall. Conversations can be quite repetitive, I can cope with that, I put on my listening ears, but it leaves me tired and unsatisfied. I still have to get home and prepare lunch.
Our life of lectures, discussions and lively conversations have been replaced with online lectures, TV discussions and radio. Talking Point is invaluable.

So perhaps I am over sensitive, but it sounded as if all would be well if I went out more!
So I wave them good bye for a night away together, just waiting for a fairy godmother, a pumpkin etc. Etc.
I hope the glass slipped is well padded and low heeled. I joke but really want to cry with frustration.
The day started so well..............
Oh Alice,
First of all if anyone else tells me ‘you both need to get out more’.... I might hit them with a hammer!! People have absolutely no idea. It’s all the obstacles and I’m no hurdler! Your obstacles are probably different to mine, but we both have to weave round them, and it’s so mentally and physically exhausting.
I’m sorry you have a cough to add to your burden. It’s irritating, and I hope you have something from the chemist to help? But if you haven’t and need some then I hope someone is able to sort that out for you. Gone are the days when we can just ‘nip to the shops’. My nipping days are certainly over!!
No, I don’t think you are over sensitive. We have so much on our plate, and some people are so thoughtless, or have no idea, or just don’t care. Pick anyone from three!!
My glass slipper would be flat, padded, with a waterproof sole I can go out to the rubbish bin and not worry about wet feet. I will be practical forever more. My glass slippers will only ever be in my dreams!
Take care of yourself and that cough,
Love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,834
My friend Amazon came to my rescue again! I as not sure of the ethics and I complained about workers rights, but he is always there.

After my solace on TP, I prepared lunch.
Then went to bathroom, to hear the steps being opened. Sure enough he was up the top checking batteries in smoke alarm.
I waited with him to finish, finally I sat down to put my legs ups. The recliner chair stopped working after the foot partly came up. Getting off whilst protecting my hip was not easy. The power adapter had jammed the chair after the emergency batteries were checked on that.
I wanted to go for help but no, not needed. I persuaded to at least disconnect the electric power.
After a struggle the damaged adaptor was changed. We need to recheck the emergency battery just in case it cut in at some point, it has one life if used.
Go out for a walk as keep being advised? I do not think so!!!

Thanks for being there, problems are different but life is the same for us all.

I hope you are feeling stronger and ready for the hero's return. I have been told to to watch for subtle changes to indicate infections. Normal symptoms are not always applicable in older people.

Keep in touch, xxxx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
677
My friend Amazon came to my rescue again! I as not sure of the ethics and I complained about workers rights, but he is always there.

After my solace on TP, I prepared lunch.
Then went to bathroom, to hear the steps being opened. Sure enough he was up the top checking batteries in smoke alarm.
I waited with him to finish, finally I sat down to put my legs ups. The recliner chair stopped working after the foot partly came up. Getting off whilst protecting my hip was not easy. The power adapter had jammed the chair after the emergency batteries were checked on that.
I wanted to go for help but no, not needed. I persuaded to at least disconnect the electric power.
After a struggle the damaged adaptor was changed. We need to recheck the emergency battery just in case it cut in at some point, it has one life if used.
Go out for a walk as keep being advised? I do not think so!!!

Thanks for being there, problems are different but life is the same for us all.

I hope you are feeling stronger and ready for the hero's return. I have been told to to watch for subtle changes to indicate infections. Normal symptoms are not always applicable in older people.

Keep in touch, xxxx
What a day for you Alice, I hope things have calmed a little? It’s the little things that go wrong and I don’t know what to do, that tip me over the edge.
I too have a friend Amazon. I wish I didn’t, but needs must and it makes life that bit easier some of the time.
We don’t have recliners, we have old fashioned stools! But, one day....
Take care. I hope you have a smoother day tomorrow with fewer problems to sort.
Take care, love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,834
Just watched a film on Amazon Prime, Elsa and Fred. He moved, reluctantly, under the pressure of a daughter. She and others tried to make him go out!
Made me laugh, It seemed appropriate. Starring Shirley MacLaine and Christopher Plummer.
Well, day over. Nothing really really bad happened just little things that filled up a day without a break.
My husband was so practical, now I have to warn him to unplug things before working on them.
I hope you are feeling stronger, I trust all is well with your husband.

Xxx
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
707
Devon
We are a pretty mixed bunch on here, it must be very hard emotionally for younger older Carers, who expected more from retirement than this. Watching others still able to be active together.
Even Older Carers may have enjoyed a bit of retirement together but physically are frailer to cope.
I felt a wreck last week, sciatica, a uti, and start of a cold. Madly self treating all three. Two down one to go!

I think MaryJoans situation is unbearable we need to feel safe in our own home.
When I get cold my body and mind closes down so I empathise.

When I get down I think of the ancient Chinese story of the farmer and his son. A bit of selftreatment for emotions. I helps me, well most of the time. Google has several versions.
Nothing stops the emotional ride, it's twists and turns catches us unawares.
Dutchman hits the nail for me, a surge of compassion kicks in most unexpectedly when I tip and tips me back again. Still shaky and wobbly but ready to tip again in another direction. It is like white water rafting.
One never knows what is next, just to cling to the paddle Come what may.

Seeing GP today, with a long list, most of what I need is not on prescription!


A tough one, but quite touching too. Good luck. X
Today we are going to a carol concert, something nice that begins at 15.00 but , of course, that’s not straightforward is it! It’s 11.30 and my wife has her outdoor clothes on , hat and shoes, waiting to go. It’s only 20 mins away. She can’t understand how long to go. We already had a blazing row over washing hair, nothing now for 8 weeks. I told her I didn’t want to visit anyone at Christmas without her having clean hair. So she says I’ll drive there myself so l have to bite my tongue because she doesn’t know it’s been revoked. I’m absolutely wrung out with the constant anxiety of it all and I’m getting to the point where I don’t care.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
707
Devon
Today we are going to a carol concert, something nice that begins at 15.00 but , of course, that’s not straightforward is it! It’s 11.30 and my wife has her outdoor clothes on , hat and shoes, waiting to go. It’s only 20 mins away. She can’t understand how long to go. We already had a blazing row over washing hair, nothing now for 8 weeks. I told her I didn’t want to visit anyone at Christmas without her having clean hair. So she says I’ll drive there myself so l have to bite my tongue because she doesn’t know it’s been revoked. I’m absolutely wrung out with the constant anxiety of it all and I’m getting to the point where I don’t care.
She’s getting so anxious now that I’m getting to the point where I might have a melt down
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,861
South coast
Its a nice day where we are, could you go for a short walk, (like round the block) and say you will have lunch when you get back.
If your wife has lost understanding of time, does it work if you say that you will be going after lunch or something like that?
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,699
80
East of England
This anxiety is so difficult to cope with and although I have been trying to keep on with certain outings I am gradually stopping them because of this, it’s too stressful dealing with his anxiety and keeping the show on the road. He is happier but I feel like a recluse. If we’re safely at home he can carry on with all his ways which other people would find very odd. I had a meltdown this morning because of this and suggested he went for a lie down, which he did and now he is calmer. It’s all about finding solutions to crazy things without a row, easier said than done sometimes.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,861
South coast
Sometimes its easier not to tell them anything and spring it on them as if its something that you have just thought of.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,457
This anxiety is so difficult to cope with and although I have been trying to keep on with certain outings I am gradually stopping them because of this, it’s too stressful dealing with his anxiety and keeping the show on the road. He is happier but I feel like a recluse. If we’re safely at home he can carry on with all his ways which other people would find very odd. I had a meltdown this morning because of this and suggested he went for a lie down, which he did and now he is calmer. It’s all about finding solutions to crazy things without a row, easier said than done sometimes.
It certainly is hard to cope with. This is how I became such a prisoner. I felt the entire road was watching me trying to manage (and I know a lot of them were ...). And yes, so much about finding solutions to crazy things ... So well put. Thank you. warmest, Kindred.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,834
I commiserate this time anxiety is a real issue. Mine has a diary on him at all time. So I cannot spring things very often, not so bad during the day but early mornings mean a sleep less night.
I was scolded by daughters for becoming a recluse! I pointed out I was a happy one, the strain of hiring drivers and getting there is too much.
One driver was late so I was informed every minute that he had not arrived.

I wonder why hairwashing is such an issue, would she let a hairdresser do it?
You can get caps to put on and massage the head.

My daughter said a TV presenter said he had stopped washing his hair as eventually it becomes self cleaning. He did rinse it under the shower. It takes a while to adjust.
Not really sure it works in this western world .
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
707
Devon
I commiserate this time anxiety is a real issue. Mine has a diary on him at all time. So I cannot spring things very often, not so bad during the day but early mornings mean a sleep less night.
I was scolded by daughters for becoming a recluse! I pointed out I was a happy one, the strain of hiring drivers and getting there is too much.
One driver was late so I was informed every minute that he had not arrived.

I wonder why hairwashing is such an issue, would she let a hairdresser do it?
You can get caps to put on and massage the head.

My daughter said a TV presenter said he had stopped washing his hair as eventually it becomes self cleaning. He did rinse it under the shower. It takes a while to adjust.
Not really sure it works in this western world .
Hair washing is a no no and she just gives me grief when I I ask if she’s going to do it so I’ve given up. No water comes near. She’ll just have to have dirty hair because I’d don’t care anymore. In future I’m not tell her of any forthcoming events I’ll tell her just before we go. The anxiety that leads me to being so frustrated I could throw her across the room is not worth it (I won’t really throw her, just feel like it). It interesting that this time non-comprehension is so widespread. My wife looks at the clock and sees a different clock to me and no matter what I say it’s nonsensical .
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,699
80
East of England
I commiserate this time anxiety is a real issue. Mine has a diary on him at all time. So I cannot spring things very often, not so bad during the day but early mornings mean a sleep less night.
I was scolded by daughters for becoming a recluse! I pointed out I was a happy one, the strain of hiring drivers and getting there is too much.
One driver was late so I was informed every minute that he had not arrived.

I wonder why hairwashing is such an issue, would she let a hairdresser do it?
You can get caps to put on and massage the head.

My daughter said a TV presenter said he had stopped washing his hair as eventually it becomes self cleaning. He did rinse it under the shower. It takes a while to adjust.
Not really sure it works in this western world .
My husband had not washed his hair with shampoo for years after reading that report and just used water washing but because he doesn’t shower so often any more because he doesn’t want to and I don’t want to have an issue over it, his scalp became crusty with “cradle cap”. Now I insist that when he has a shower, that he shampoos it and that has cleared the crusts. This is only possible if your partner will do it though.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
707
Devon
I commiserate this time anxiety is a real issue. Mine has a diary on him at all time. So I cannot spring things very often, not so bad during the day but early mornings mean a sleep less night.
I was scolded by daughters for becoming a recluse! I pointed out I was a happy one, the strain of hiring drivers and getting there is too much.
One driver was late so I was informed every minute that he had not arrived.

I wonder why hairwashing is such an issue, would she let a hairdresser do it?
You can get caps to put on and massage the head.

My daughter said a TV presenter said he had stopped washing his hair as eventually it becomes self cleaning. He did rinse it under the shower. It takes a while to adjust.
Not really sure it works in this western world .
It’s a shame your daughters scolded you. Even if it’s family members unless they live with it 24/7, every minute, then it difficult for others to appreciate your problem. Mine commiserate but once the phone is down then it’s back to me, on my own.