1. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    I am at some sort of Tipping Point today........

    He insists on making our meal on Thursdays - has to be Thursday.
    But someone is taking him for a game of bowls this evening.... so the main meal was moved to lunch time.

    He forgot about it of course.

    I said it was lunchtime and I had put the oven on - he only needed to put 3 things in the oven - that is the extent of his 'cooking' skills.

    He came to get the quiche out, which he had placed in a roasting tin.
    He dropped the whole lot, because it was hot !!

    He wanted me to rescue the quiche which was jammed in the hinge area of the door, and all under the rubber seals.

    2.30pm and we eat mashed quiche.

    I now have to clean the oven of all the bits of squashed quiche, which will no doubt go onto the laminate floor which I have only just cleaned.

    I am tired, I do not want to do this - he has just walked away and now has TV on 50 volume with Les Dennis and a quiz from 1992 where you might win a Sony Walkman.

    The kitchen is all a mess.

     
  2. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak
    You don't need anyone's approval. You and your friend must share a very special understanding, being in a similar situation. What happens between you is entirely up to you and nothing to do with anyone else. No one should judge you. I hope you both get comfort from your shared time together.
     
  3. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    387
    Female
    High Peak
    Oh @maryjoan that really is a tipping point. Squashed quiche everywhere and Les Dennis too! I do feel for you. Hope the rest of the day gets better.
     
  4. jenniferjean

    jenniferjean Registered User

    Apr 2, 2016
    371
    Female
    Basingstoke, Hampshire
    It makes you want to cry, doesn't it? We do our best but sometimes we come up against situations where you feel as though life is really kicking you in the gut. You want to scream "ENOUGH". We're here for you.
     
  5. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,231
    No need to feel guilty, just be careful not to complicate matters for yourself. As Maryjoan said think why you asked the question, relationships based on need can be starting on the wrong foot. Just a warning not a judgement. Take care xxx
     
  6. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    202
    I think dementia destroys the normal parameters of what we do and how we should act. In a normal environment ( I hate the word normal) we would have a structure that we could cling to. Dementia washes it all away. Be kind to yourself, grab happiness where you can and connect with a like soul
     
  7. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,231
    I think it is just a build up then something not so important in the greater scheme of things tips us over.
    I am struggling to prepare and label, to get the home ready to be left. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and time was running out. I should not have planned for two perhaps. When I had to confirm the medications would arrive on time I rung the chemist and no one answered. A small thing but I burst into tears. Yes, we will go but in future I think I will stay at home!
    Of course, nothing come on its own, I was promised respite and nothing has happened, I have been kept awake at night.
    I feel Mary that it is not the quiche but the whole situation. We really are doing an impossible job single handed.
    When I think of the hours, it is a wonder the government is not taken to court!
     
  8. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    I shouted at him today..... twice..... and I do not feel at all guilty, but maybe I should.
    1) He refused to have a shower, even though Friday is shower day - so annoying as the day got hotter and he sat there with a lambswool pullover on. I am certain with a stoma he needs to be more fastidious not less - but it doesn't enter his broken head anymore.

    2) I shouted because I try to make our rented home nice, and I bought a small rug for the conservatory floor to match the blinds - of course, he does not care - so I was cross when he moved it from where I had put it, because he wanted it somewhere else. I told him that everything seems to be about him and nothing about me.........

    I now understand the saying about the straw and the camel's back.
     
  9. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    202
    Went for a chat with some friends yesterday on my own!. Of course the conversation came round to me and they asked why I didn’t just stand up to my wife and insist on things when she is determined about something. Like, I’m not taking you there or do it this way or this is where we’re going. They question wouldn’t it be easier to be firmer instead of giving in.

    Well, we know the answer don’t we. My wife will keep on and on, getting more and more frustrated till she throws something, or tries the neighbours for a lift. Reasoning is useless as is arguing, you just end up more and more angry which affects you only.....she’s oblivious to it all. Live in their world I’m told, it’s easier. And why would others not see how it all works. Until you are living and breathing dementia it’s easy to believe there are solutions. I’m currently sharing the sofa with her as she sleeps ( 13.30) because it’s calm and I grab these moments where I can.

    I’m contacted by sitters who have tried once and want to try again. Great if only it was that simple. OH doesn’t like most people who are strangers and who can blame her. I wouldn’t like it. But I’m obligated to do it because if I cancel they’ll think I don’t need others. Catch 22.
     
  10. LizzieM

    LizzieM Registered User

    May 6, 2019
    22
    Only a week since collecting OH (pwd) from respite (so I could work away) and I’ve now shouted at him as he trails his open tap catheter into the kitchen, sloshing in his crocs (you can wash those....) and blames the Carer for doing it wrongly - she’s already changed him as his tap was open and soaking his trousers. I’ve changed him yet again.
    There’s then a pointless argument as he searches upstairs and down for a non-existent book with a yellow cover on Japanese no French no Japanese then French again prisoners that he was reading last night (he’s registered blind/partially sighted). Turns out it was Papillon on the TV......
    This on top of nipping home mid volunteer shift last night to find him in bathroom with nothing on his nethers having missed the loo and **** all over the floor and then stood in it.
    Final straw is having chased SW again after no response for four weeks despite pushing by me and Admiral nurse, SW sends almost completely unintelligible email cobbled together from various stock texts but basically saying she hasn’t got time to deal with respite request after all and ring this number instead and that we will be allocated a case worker to deal with anything else - she’s lost me 12 weeks while she’s been fannying around and I am beyond livid. Formal complaint? You bet....
     
  11. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    202
    Again we go to the hospital looking for me. If I say no we’re not going she begins to walk round to our neighbor trying to cadge a lift or will attempt to get a bus. So me taking her is the path of least resistance.

    My daughter says I need to have time to myself, get someone in who will give me time to myself. My wife doesn’t like strangers and it’s difficult to get someone round to see if they are any good without arousing suspicion. I know this has been done many times by many on the forum. Any advice?

    My cat is on his last legs. About 4 weeks the vet says. So my constant companion is leaving me soon. Only a cat but more company than my distant wife who, even though I tried numerous attempts at getting her to recognise me as her husband, cannot relate to me now. I feel like a chauffeur, cleaner, and general dogs body sometimes. Don’t expect a thank you cos you’ll never get it.

    I think I’ll ring the Dementia help line today for some support. I was looking at the tv yesterday about a couple who plan to buy a house with an annex ready for a live in carer. Money helps. Dementia is terminal but money eases the pain.

    Moan over for today.
     
  12. Agzy

    Agzy Registered User

    Nov 16, 2016
    827
    Moreton, Wirral. UK.
    We all need friends that understand what we are going through and the fact that it is an old flame is beside the point as I have contact regularly with two old flames and also my1st wife but all platonic and it is just coffee and chat and sort of respite. OH wouldn't understand so yes, a secret but an innocent one.
     
  13. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,284
    Female
    South of the Border
    Yes, money does ease the pain - but we ain't got any either !!
     
  14. Dutchman

    Dutchman Registered User

    May 26, 2017
    202
    Hi there maryjoan and all. I’m finding that I’m reading more and more books on grief, on bereavement because that’s what dementia,for me is , a living death of shared memories and emotions. My wife is incapable now of remembering what a past experience meant for is both, if she remembers at all . One day of course I will be on my own unless I die first . Either way I’ll be out of it.

    She’s now moving loads of items into another room in readiness for who knows what! This includes her toothbrush which then means she has another excuse not to clean her teeth. When I question any of this I’m met with anger and a violent face. Just one thing please I do everything for you l plead. Nothing. I swear and storm off and handle it all very badly.

    I’m rubbish at this. But then the Admiral nurse says she thinks I’m doing just fine. Some men wouldn’t put up with any I put up with. Well, what would they do then? What choices do others have? I’m curious.
     
  15. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
    I think it is worse than death but of course I’ve never been a widow so who knows.
     
  16. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    1,243
    East of England
    I agree with you and if it does bear some similarity to actual bereavement then I have passed through to a kind of acceptance. Even so he is so restless confused and out of it in the evenings that I am driven to distraction and revert to anger. Unlike your situation I don’t have to contend with anger and destructive behaviour, I am the one who is angry and tonight I have a headache, definitely from the experience of trying to deal with him.
     
  17. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,738
    Female
    Scotland
    Same here @Grahamstown. Lovely start to the day then when I tried to bring John indoors he collapsed. I had to let him crawl on his backside rather than injure my back. I bashed my toe and I think it is broken. Had to wait for his sister and the two of us got him on his feet. Wouldn’t take his medication or eye drops. Lovely day? I could hardly speak to him I was so angry.

    Maybe it’s just my toe that’s enraged me.
     
  18. Justmary

    Justmary Registered User

    Jul 12, 2018
    43
    Female
    West Midlands
    My husband goes from room to room taking things and hiding them somewhere else. I never know what will disappear next. I've had a lock put on the door of the spare bedroom and keep my handbag, keys, toiletries, etc, locked away. Living like this is driving me crazy.
     
  19. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    4,829
    N Ireland
    As I've contributed to this thread and exchanged posts with many of you on various threads I just thought I'd say goodbye to you all and wish you all the best as I am leaving the forum to concentrate on my own caring role. I hope that you can all find, at the very least, some moments of relief and normality in the future. However, when you shed a tear know that you are not alone.

    I have asked for closure of my membership so I hope you see this goodbye before it's deleted.

    Regards
    Pete:)
     
  20. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,231
    I am sorry to see you go, but I quite understand. Sometimes we have to reset our position.
    I wish you well and thank you for all the sound advice given. Take care of yourself as much as you can. aliceA
     

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