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TIPPING POINT

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
New South Wales Australia
Hi @Dutchman - I'm still worried about the dirty hair - would an appointment at a hairdresser do the job - could you just take her there ? And then say it's a gift !? My husband loved having his hair washed - thank heavens - and likes the barber. Just likes attention. But if it will worry him - like the doctor - I say nothing and just take him! Could your daughter do that ?
I think I would be looking for a few days respite if I were in your situation - I am quite frustrated for you . All the best :oops: hope a miracle comes along !
 

lilperson

Registered User
Jan 11, 2015
10
Taunton
My day has started badly as my wife has again refuses to wash her hair (5 weeks now) and I lost it and said she is dirty and I’m not putting up with it any more. I can put up with most things....aggressive behaviour, inability to decide on food, me doing all the household stuff but her being dirty, that isn’t easy. I’ve had load of advice but can’t get her into the bathroom for this simplistic activity. I now feel horrible for being angry but somehow justified as I know most people would react the same. When I meet people sometimes and explain they say what a wonderful job I’m doing, she’s lucky to have you, etc. Then I get home and I’m trapped again in this endless round of desperation. I’ve told her she can go on her own to our daughter for Christmas because I don’t want to take a smelly mum anywhere. Nope, doesn’t make any difference. I wish I could just escape and get back to some life of my own. Pigs might fly.
Not sure if this will help but have read in other forums about no rinse shampoos and caps, ie with the shampoo you just put it on the hair, lather it up and towel dry. Must admit I havent tried it on OH but maybe it will help you. Just google no rinse shampoo.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,854
This is what's breaks us isn't it, MaryJoan, so much is out of our control however well we organise. Tired after yesterday, talk soon, x
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,854
Not sure if this will help but have read in other forums about no rinse shampoos and caps, ie with the shampoo you just put it on the hair, lather it up and towel dry. Must admit I havent tried it on OH but maybe it will help you. Just google no rinse shampoo.
The liquid ones are best.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
762
Devon
Hi @Dutchman - I'm still worried about the dirty hair - would an appointment at a hairdresser do the job - could you just take her there ? And then say it's a gift !? My husband loved having his hair washed - thank heavens - and likes the barber. Just likes attention. But if it will worry him - like the doctor - I say nothing and just take him! Could your daughter do that ?
I think I would be looking for a few days respite if I were in your situation - I am quite frustrated for you . All the best :oops: hope a miracle comes along !
Thanks for your concern. Still no washing of hair but she says she’ll do it just befor Christmas when visit our family but of course that’s another 3 weeks. Also she refuses to visit the dentist and I’m concerned that she’s not brushing them correctly. On both these matters I can’t force her, she’s not a young child learning to do things, she a 72 year old forgetting to do things. These are battles I can’t win and it’s draining to even try when it ends up in me being angry and frustrated and my wife being angry and disliking me for mentioning it ‘one more time’ . My daughter could help but she lives 4 hours away and we see her irregularly. And she refuses to visit the hairdresser.

Our relationship is at the stage where she still appreciates me, says she loves me but all the other stuff sort of cancels this out. The forgetting, constant reminding of people and places, a lack of conversation between us, and, well, you know all that happens with vascular dementia.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,441
South of the Border
Here I am again with my Tipping Point of the day.......

OH has had a lovely day, watching TV, game of snooker this afternoon and this evening he is at his singing group.

Me?
Hospital appt this morning about my eyes - glaucoma - not too bad :)
Worrying about the rent due on Wednesday as we cannot meet it - I was hoping 3 clients would pay me - but ,no, not yet, fingers crossed.

Plumber came to fit new radiator in bathroom, as not been working for over 2 years - landlord hates having to do anything - won't unless forced.

Plumber discovers boiler is leaking oil ( I wondered what the smell was) and would not allow me to switch central heating back on - duty of care - which is good, but no hot water either.......

So, I am miserably on here, while OH is singing his heart out and loving it, not a care in the world....

Am I fed up? You bet!!!
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,421
Thank you Pete !! Much appreciated - these virtual hugs are a blessing !!:rolleyes:
Well here are lots of hugs from me too.
With regards to the Boiier if it's Gas you might find British Gas will come round as an emergency . Not the cheapest though.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,387
South coast
Oh goodness, I hope you can get the boiler fixed soon.
I hate having to use the kettle for hot water to wash in.
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
New South Wales Australia
Hi @maryjoan - it’s seems you have too much on your plate - perhaps you could suggest the landlord drop the rent while you have no plumbing services ! So frustrating - I hope things come better soon - sending hugs from down under ! Very hot here! (((:)eek:)))))
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,441
South of the Border
The week has gone from bad to worse......

Ater my last post, a first responder turned up at the door - I have posted about this elsewhere, but end result was the elderly lady next door used her 'buzzer' to alert that she was in trouble, and when the ambulance service sent out a first responder, he was unable to gain access.
He came to ask if I had a key ( which I did not) and we both ended up with a ladder trying to break into her house, while he called for a fire engine to come and break the door down.

The emergency was over by 11.30pm and she was on her way to hospital.

Bitterly cold on Tues, still no hot water or heating and the fumes from the leak were unbearable.

Then all sorted yesterday so good !!

Today OH was really nasty to my daughter when she drove over 30 miles here with her toddler, just to take him to Matalan in the next town - she was extremely upset, even though she tried to make allowances for the dementia. His own daughter does nothing to help - hardly even keeps in touch -

Fedupedness at an alltime high.............
 

katydid

Registered User
Oct 23, 2018
58
Yes, you are right I know and what makes it worse is that there is no solution or alternative to the situation. I was asked the other day by her brother how I was getting on and that he didn’t know how I put up with it I said what’s the alternative, I have no choice. One of two things could happen to radically change things .....I die or my wife dies. There, that’s the elephant in the room and I’m ashamed that I even think this way but honestly, hasn’t many thought the same but we care because a large part of us still hold those feelings of tenderness and compassion however hard that is sometimes.
Asking to go home when we are already at home is one I still find difficult to deal with. It's aways after 9:00 pm, about an hour before mum goes to bed.

Absolutely the most difficult question I feel. As a qualified nurse, I have always believed that the cared for should always be,told the truth, the truth that they are ready to hear. With my OH who is my “cared for,” it is really hard to know what to say about anything. He is now. “I think!!” In the later stages of his disease, and no sensible conversation ever occurs. I have been reading posts tonight about going to the shops. Or visit8ng daughters, or going to the pub.
I admit to feeling so,jealous. I am jealous,of the time we have not had. I hear about my fri nds arranging Christmas, meals and going out. And I feel mean and bitter and blaming. Then I pull myself together
As some of today’s posts say. We just have to get on with it don’t we? What was that,about tipping points???
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,854
We are a pretty mixed bunch on here, it must be very hard emotionally for younger older Carers, who expected more from retirement than this. Watching others still able to be active together.
Even Older Carers may have enjoyed a bit of retirement together but physically are frailer to cope.
I felt a wreck last week, sciatica, a uti, and start of a cold. Madly self treating all three. Two down one to go!

I think MaryJoans situation is unbearable we need to feel safe in our own home.
When I get cold my body and mind closes down so I empathise.

When I get down I think of the ancient Chinese story of the farmer and his son. A bit of selftreatment for emotions. I helps me, well most of the time. Google has several versions.
Nothing stops the emotional ride, it's twists and turns catches us unawares.
Dutchman hits the nail for me, a surge of compassion kicks in most unexpectedly when I tip and tips me back again. Still shaky and wobbly but ready to tip again in another direction. It is like white water rafting.
One never knows what is next, just to cling to the paddle Come what may.

Seeing GP today, with a long list, most of what I need is not on prescription!
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,710
80
East of England
I agree with you so much that for younger carers it is a real penance and I am always shocked by their plight. I too am off to the surgery for my annual heart check up. I am surprised that I keep going with the stress of the past year as I turn 79 tomorrow. I am convinced that it is the stress relieving outlet and support from others on the forums that keep me going over the past year. I understand the symptoms and can deal with them, most of the time, because of help on here. Good luck with your visit! If only there was a solution to our situation.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,441
South of the Border
Todays Tipping Point for me x 2

1 was the copy of my Carers Assessment - wasn't till I read it properly I realised how truly awful things are!

2 When it was his 70th a couple of years back, I booked a holiday in Scotland for the both of us - this was, significantly before he became ill, before he had a stoma he cannot manage, before the dementia got as bad as it is.

Problem - I have accidently discovered indications that he might have done something similar for me - big birthday on Sunday.

Simply not an option now with the state of him, and our lives in general, and I know we cannot afford it............ could be embarrassing in front of all the family - will just have to blag it very kindly, I suppose
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
897
Pratteln Switzerland
Hi @maryjoan...I am having different but similar issues. My newest carer keeps showing up early...by 2 or more hours. She says she is trying to be flexible?? What am I crazy. Asked her to care from 7 to 10 so I could go the the symphony. She came at 5 PM ? My request was in writing. But she says if she goes home after her first job it is a hassle for her and so it works better for her to come directly from work.
Am I crazy??
I feel at the mercy of these carers I need so I can continue my own life. All of them want to work more hours...do I just look like an easy target? Its a pretty easy job, Sit with him, make cups of tea, change the tv channels.
I used the time to clearly tell her that she cannot come two hours early to work….
but when I saw her listed hours for last night, she counted in those two hours towards her pay for the evening.
I give up!!