time to move on


Registered User
Jul 4, 2004
Hi all

Last Friday we received a call from the nursing home where we put mum/in/law's name down for a permanent place and where she goes for respite, saying they now had a permanent place if we wanted it. After much deliberation we have decided that the time is right for somone else to take over the care of m/in/law. She went there for respite in may and was so happy when we went to pick her up that she didn't want to come away with us as she said that was her home. She was due to go into respite on saturday and to be honest i was dreading picking her back up as last time we had quite a bad time of it when we did bring her home. Things did eventually settle back down but it hasn't been easy, she loves going to day care 3x a week but is bored and frustrated on the days she doesnt go which in turn makes her aggressive towards me which i feel is because in some way she feels i am stopping her from going out. We have been unable to secure more day care for her due to lack of places so we feel the enviroment of the home care will be better for her in the fact that they entertain, she will be with people of her own age and it will be more stimulating for her than spending time with us. The place comes available whilst she is in respite so we are going along with the idea that she is still going away for a holiday to avoid the upset of telling her she is going to live somewhere else. It was a very sad weekend for us wondering if we were doing the right thing but deep down we know we are. It has been a turbulent 19 months but we feel that we have at least given her this extra time at home with the family and are proud of that fact. 19 months ago when some members of the family wanted her to go straight into residential care it would have been harder for her as she would have fought against it but now she is at the stage where she will accept care a lot easier. It still does not make it any easier for us though and we feel guilty at not having been able to see it through to the end but i am sure that when we visit after the holiday we will see that we have done the right thing.
I will still visit tp and offer advice when i can and let everyone know how m/in/law is doing. She is lovely lady and loved by everyone in daycare and nursing home so i know she will wanted and happy.



Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
near London
Hello Jan

I think you have done the best and most caring things all along, so good luck with her permanent move into care.

Yes, do please keep in touch as we don't hear that much about experiences when people move to nursing/care homes on TP, and we were/are all fearful that things won't go right. My experiences with Jan show that nursing homes can be very good places indeed.


Registered User
Mar 12, 2005
West Sussex
I am pleased you have made the decision at the right time for your mum-in-law and yourselves, and hopefully all will be ok for her.
My mum is in a residential home too and we had awful guilty feelings about that at the time, but it was really the only choice we had at that time.
Mum is well looked after and in a happy bubble all of her own there, but occasionally, almost a year on, I think we could manage to care for her at home, then something happens that makes me realise that as much as I miss her,I don't have the skills or resources to care for her as well as she deserves and I know mum is in the best place for her needs.
Best wishes to you


Registered User
Oct 23, 2003
West Sussex
Dear Jan, well done for caring for your M in L for 19 months, that is a great achievement in itself. Now as you say, things are changing and her needs are increasing. She loves the home, the placement has come up at just the right time I would say. The transition is likely to be an easy one for all of you. I would have done the same as you, just gone on the respite trip as far as she was concerned. Why fill her head with other things when it is not needed. Always cross the bridge when you come to it, not before. Thats what I always did anyway. Hope all goes well, please keep posting and tell us how things go. Love She. XX


Registered User
Sep 5, 2005
Hi Jan

It is a very difficult thing to do but we have to think of what's best for our parents/inlaws. My Mum went into hospital and so my Dad was taken into a home, first while Mum was in hospital but then when she came home she was unable to have him at home. I cried every day for the first week and went to see him every day (25 miles away) which didn't really give him the time he needed to settle in. I felt that I'd let him down as he'd always been there for me and I couldn't be there for him (no room, 3 children), I wanted to give up work to look after him and convert the dining room into a bedroom. My husband looks at everything rationaly and said that it wuldn't be fair to the girls to watch their Grandads decline so closely and I know that we made the right decision. He was looked after (24 hour care and attention that we couldn't give him), the staff loved him and he became part of their family too. My Dad passed away last year ans now I can think clearly, Dad wouldn't have wanted me to look after him, take him to the toilet etc. he was a very proud man and he wouldn't have wanted that. We still spent time together as a family and for a long while took him out for days and to the pub.
I hope you will not give yourself a hard time over this, she will be looked after by people who are trained and I'm sure she will enjoy it there.
Best wishes