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time to admit and accept a move is necessary

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,638
0
Yorkshire
hi everyone
I rarely start a thread but now seems like we've reached a new fork in the road to acknowledge
dad's been in his care home for 3 and a half years now and at times it's been 'eventful' and challenging - he isn't aggressive or violent but he has been unco-operative and readily employed 'NO!' forcefully - the staff have been brilliant and worked ways round his refusals of meds and personal care - in fact they all know dad well and like him and his own individual querks
up until recently I felt I could get through to him and provide some comfort from the high anxiety he often feels - I wonder now whether he does know me, though he mostly responds to me as though I am familiar and close to him - he moans a lot, I don't mean complains, literally moans, not in pain (we are all sure of that and have checked) but in distress, partly to 'let it out', I think, and partly as a comforter - he can be very loud so it's not pleasant for him or anyone around him, and if something in particular disturbs him he can become highly agitated, though it's rare as the staff are vigilant at getting him somewhere quiet and getting him to take his prn (hardly ever needed but very necessary when it is)
he is not standing (has muscle tone but I don't think his brain can work through the processes any more) and hates the stand aid, won't tolerate the hoist, so personal care is very tricky - although he cannot walk he often ends up on the floor especially at night and the staff are effectively lifting him up, which isn't sustainable - he tends to sit in a chair or on the bed and hutch himself forward and backwards, so he's exercising his arms and legs pretty well but at times must slip over the edge of the chair/bed onto the floor, not falling as such (no injuries and hardly ever any bruises) but not safe
he has now slipped so far into the dementia that sometimes it is very hard to get through to him to reassure him that eg a wash isn't going to hurt him - he may hear what's said but it means little to him, so whatever is done to him is always a surprise, unwelcome and to be vocally 'fought' against - it can't help that he has always been very short sighted, after a TIA a few years ago lost the left side of vision in both eyes and now seems not to focus
he's had every intervention and agency available over the years - meds have been tweaked and changed - everthing has been tried
so the care home staff have had to admit that they aren't really providing the level of care he needs, and honestly they have each and every one tried so hard and hate to have to accept this and in no way is the manager saying he must be moved or giving notice - but the situation isn't fair on dad, the staff, the other residents ....
time to look to move him to a nursing home which specialises in challenging behaviour so there will be more staff and with the expertise to support poor dad
luckily there are such homes locally, dad has the funds to pay any fees and with LPAs in place there's no-one else to have to liaise with, but whether/when there will be a place ...
so, standing at a crossroads sussing out which path to take
just so sad
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
63,546
0
69
Dundee
O how @Shedrech how terribly sad. It sounds as if your dad's care home have done well by him and I'm sure you've developed a great relationship with them. So hard to break these ties but it does sound as if the time has come. Wishing you strength in the coming days and the search for a new home for your dad.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,638
0
Yorkshire
thanks @Izzy
you are right, his present home has been just that,his home - I couldn't ask any more of the staff and know they have all been fighting to keep him there
even good things must end sometime
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,677
0
Ireland
Sorry to hear this, @Shedrech . It sounds like your dads Home has been really good with him. It's so sad when we know things are being done for the person's good and comfort - but there's no way of helping them to understand what's happening or why.

I hope you can find a good nursing home soon, and will feel as confident in the care your dad receives there.
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
4,026
0
south-east London
@Shedrech , you are facing quite a quandary and I do feel for you.

I am glad that you will have a choice of places and that financially and LPA-wise everything is in place - but I know it is still a huge worry to find the right place and to make a break from the home which has looked after your Dad so well over the years - and where staff have become as much a part of your life as your father's.

Thinking of you both as you enter this next stage and sending positive thoughts that you will find an ideal placement without a long wait.
 

nellbelles

Volunteer Host
Nov 6, 2008
8,961
0
leicester
@Shedrech Perhaps you are right to start instigating a move before it becomes an emergency decision, I hope you can find somewhere that you can place as much trust in as the current CH.
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
9,638
0
Yorkshire
thanks @LadyA and @LynneMcV and @nellbelles
I appreciate that the home has been so honest, they only want the best for dad - we all thought he would be with them to the end so it's tough all round
daft, but at least it's not something for dad to worry about

sitting here watching a documentary about David Cassidy, another life ended in dementia
 

YorkshireLass

Registered User
Feb 15, 2017
221
0
Ilkley
Shedrech , sending a big hug. xxxx I often feel that I too will have to tread a similar path to yours. It's never far from my thoughts. I hope you find somewhere equally as caring as where your dad lives now, there are many angels out there xxxx
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,771
0
Kent
I just happened to ‘drop in’ today...and I’m so sorry to hear this. It won’t just be a big change for your dad, but you too. I know I feel quite attached to a lot of the carers in Martin’s home, and I expect it is even more so for you, as your dad has been there for so much longer. I do wish you well, with your sesrch for the right home for him.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,851
0
Merseyside
I’m so sorry to read this @Shedrech. I know how happy you’ve been with the home.
I know you will find the right place for Dad & I wish you strength.
 

jaymor

Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
13,435
0
England
My thoughts are with you @Shedrech, it’s not an easy thing to do when you have had such good care. I’m sure you will pick the right path to follow. Take care.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,374
0
South coast
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) @Shedrech
It is always hard and saddening when we are brought face to face with our PWDs decline and have to decide on things which will change lives
I have always been impressed by your sensible approach. Trust your instincts on this matter - Im sure they will not let you down
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,692
0
Kent
Any changes that have to be made out of neccessity for a pwd are hard for the carer to accept as for me it just seemed like yet another affirmation of their increasing decline and a carer's lessening influence on the impact of the illness.. However...the home from what you say have done a very caring job for your dad and you are a wonderful daughter taking care of all your dad's needs...he would be so proud of you as I felt my dad would have been of me...having to accept and make decisions for them to keep them safe and looked after. I hope the changes slot into place and that eases your natural concerns.So....sending you a huge hug.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
508
0
I hope that you are able to find somewhere for your Dad, and that when you do he settles. It is so hard having to be the one who has to make these decisions, but sometimes we have to let our heads rule and not our hearts. Will be thinking of you