Time for Nursery Home: what say to grandmother?

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by SmogTheCat, Oct 25, 2005.

  1. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    A couple of hours ago we received a phone call: there is a place in a nursery home for grandmother for tomorrow.
    We accepted it but now the big problem is: hot to tell to grandmother she is leaving from her house for a nursery home?
    When we told her about the possibility to go in a nursery home for a better assistance she refused it but as I wrote in other topics in last wto weeks she became aggressive and grandfather doesn't fell safe living with her.
    So we though to tell her she is going in a hospital for helping her memory and her brain (she knows her memory is bad and her brain is not working well and sometimes she asks for somethink to "fix" them).
    Do you think it is a good idea?

    Honestly we are feeling strange about tomorrow and leaving her in a nursery home but we know it's the best solution for everyone.

    Any suggestions about nursery home is accepted...
     
  2. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Reply

    Hello SmogTheCat,
    I am pleased for your family that a Nursing Home place has become available for your Grandma so soon. It will be the best place for her, at least for a while.
    Maybe after the doctors can get her settled onto some suitable medication, and if her behaviour becomes reasonable again, it will be safe for her to come back to live with her husband. Or she may settle happily in the nursing home. (By the way, nursery usually means for children, but don't think I am criticising your excellent English - I only know about 5 words of Italian!)
    I think to tell her that her treatment in the nursing home may help her memory is near enough to the truth for her to accept, hopefully, and she may indeed respond well and improve. I hope the home is near enough to where you live that you can visit her often, to reassure her that she isn't forgotten.

    Good luck; I hope all goes well
     
  3. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hello SmogtheCat

    this is good news and what you must realise is that it is good news for your grandmother as well.

    Often we thing that it is bad for them to go to a nursing home, and that we are failing in some way by having them do that.

    What we have to focus on is that it will be best for her, and safest for her, as well as being best for you and your family.

    You are doing the right thing, I believe, in telling her the reason that you have.

    You must be prepared for a few days, even weeks, that are not nice though.

    You will need to build a slightly different relationship with her now, and learn new ways of handling the difficult questions like "when can I go home?"

    You will find it awful to leave her there, it will be distressing for you and you may feel you are deserting her. This is not true, and you must not believe that, even for a second.

    Find a way of making each visit to her a special one.

    and look after yourself as well.

    Ciao
     
  4. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    824
    It all depends on your Grandmother's understanding, but it's sounds like she would accept the hospital idea, as much as anything else. Whatever you say is likely to be the 'wrong' thing (in your Grandmother's eyes), so keep that in mind if she is against it. If you haven't already done so, I would wait until tomorrow to tell her. My Mum used to tell Dad things in advance, hoping to prepare him, all it did was to confuse and agitate him, and then he'd forget and would have to be told all over again.

    All you can do is let her know that she'll be able to rest and will be looked after, it will make a change for her, all the meals are FREE!!! (Dad used to be amazed at this!) etc. - all the positives you can think of!

    It's bound to be difficult for you (and your Grandfather) tomorrow, but you have made a good decision when you know it's best for everyone.

    Good luck and let us know how you get on.
     
  5. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    Thanks a lot for your message Lynne.
    Nursing home (thank for your correction :) ) is about 25 km from home so we can visit her frequently by car or by bus.
    We accept this solution as a temporary one because we are waiting a pleace in a nursing home at 10 minutes walk from our house.
    Grandfather told us he wants to go in nursing home with her when a vacant place for him will be available.
    We think grandfather needs some time to relax. Last months have been very stressfull for us and for him. Last week he told us he is scared about her because he's no strong enough to defense himself when she became aggressive.

    Nursing home we found for grandmother is very small... about 20 people and I think it could be good because it should seem a "small family". What do you think about it?
     
  6. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    #6 SmogTheCat, Oct 25, 2005
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2005
    Honestly we don't know how she understand.
    Sometimes she asks for something to help her memory, other times we tell her about going in hospital for helping her and she says "no, I don't want".
    Sometimes she says "I want to go to an other place without my husband" and other times "I can't leave him alone".
    We are trying to guess when she is the "real" grandmother and when the "Alzhaimer grandmother".

    I'll update you about the situation

    Any suggestion for question like this? For first time we can say "The cure is a bit long.. be patient...." but... later?
     
  7. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Jan's home has 24 people at most. About 20 residents and 5 people who come on respite.

    and it works well!

    Worry about later......later.

    For the moment, just get through each day. You may find you can just keep repeating the same thing. Time will tell.
     
  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi SmogtheCat, if you think the hospital to help to sort her memory problems explanation will work then use it, I would/did. Anything to make the transition less painful for all of you is the right thing to do in my book. Will be thinking of you, please post and let us know how it goes. Love and hugs, She. XX
     
  9. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    Tomorrow morning my parents will take grandmother to the nursing home.
    We hope she accept to stay in...
    Since yesterday when we told her she is going to "hospital" she starting crying, saying she doesnn't feel well, she doesn't want go in hospital etc.
    Is it a normal reaction?
    Today she phoned 8 times... when she founf the answer machine (we were not at home) she starting shouting at me (I registered the voice message)... She doesn't understan that it is a machine with my voice, not me!
     
  10. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi SmogtheCat, yes, I had this sort of thing too. Comes down to the one about always hurting the ones you love I think. She is probably aware that things are not right, but she can't understand what or why, so, all she can do is have a yell about it, but who else can she yell at but her family? This is a horrid illness, it hurts all of us, the sufferer and the carers, please let us know how things go. Love She. XX
     
  11. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    Hello,
    this morning grandmother enter in the nursing home. When my parents arrive at her house to take her to go to nursing home she was happy and ready to go... :eek:
    When they arrive at nursing home, while my mum talket to the doctor, she started talking to a woman. Then doctor visit her and then lunch time arrived.
    She asked to seat near the woman she met a couple of hours before because she is her friend ;) My Mum told it seems to see children at nursery home. :)
    My parents said "bye bye" and she replyed "bye bye... !"
    This afternoon my mum and I go back to visit her. When we arrived she was in the common room with other people. Some of them were watching Tv, others were preparing Halloween decoration: Antonietta (my grandmother) was cutting ghosts from a paper like other 2 people, a lady was coloring some pictures... they were happy.
    At 4pm they drunk tea.
    We left at 4.30pm and they were preparing to goto church.
    Antonietta is strangly calm and happy. She likes chatting with other people.
    A nurse told us next Monday, in the afternoon, they'll have the Halloween Party and we are welcome to join them. So, we decided we'll go the the halloween party!

    As first impact it was no bad. I hope Antonietta will accept the "hospital"....
     
  12. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Oh SmogtheCat, I'm so happy that it seems to have gone well.

    It is quite possible that she will like it there and not ask about going 'home', so hope for that.

    If not, then deal with that when it happens - don't anticipate it.

    Take this day as a good one. In the words of my wise friend Norman, take each day as it comes. Sometimes it will be good, sometimes bad, sometimes in between.

    But this has been a good day because Antonietta was not unhappy and, because of that, you should be happy and sleep well.

    Well done! :)
     
  13. Charly

    Charly Registered User

    Jul 12, 2005
    12
    Lancashire
    Grandmother

    Hello Smogthecat!

    I am so pleased that your Grandmother appears to have settled well - really I am.

    From experience, many residents who go into full time - long term care, absolutely dread it and threaten to climb the walls if they are left there!

    What you tend to find however, is that when they get there, they very often settle in quite easily.

    This is possibly due to a combination of having other residents who are "in the same boat" so to speak, and care staff who are both trained and experienced in, dealing with those suffering from AD.

    This does not mean however, that your Grandmother is going to be happy all the time - and you should prepare yourself for some outbursts!

    As mentioned in previous posts, it is a good idea to put it to your Grandmother that she really is "one up" by being in the home, this often works well by saying, for example:

    That she will have all her meals made for her (and the washing up done) Her laundry is washed, ironed and put back into her room for her, someone makes her bed - and that she is basically there to be waited on hand and foot!!

    It sounds a particuarly nice place because there are only around 20 people in the home - it will a "family feel" to it, which means that faces will be familiar to your Grandmother - and to you - should you need some support and advice.

    I wish you all the best - do keep us posted!

    Charly :)
     
  14. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Hi Smog theCat, what a relief for you all! Its just so hard to make that first step towards a home isn't it. Glad to hear it went so well. You may find there are good days and bad days, but then she had those at home already, so nothing much will have changed will it. Just take it a day at a time and love her lots. Love She. XX
     
  15. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Hi to SmogtheCat,

    I hope things are still going reasonably well?

    Best wishes
     
  16. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    Things are going well.
    Antonietta seems to like the "hospital" and she has having good time with other people.
    Yesterday we went to the Halloween Party and we had good time with her and other people, playing with balloons, singing and dancing.
    I've some pictures about the "halloween party". May I post/link a couple in the forum?
    She likes the food and she is happy because all people (doctors, nurses etc.) are kind with her and other people.
     
  17. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    3,433
    Suffolk,England
    Oh Smog,

    :) I am SO pleased for you all. :)
     
  18. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    2,259
    West Sussex
    Dear Smog, what a relief this must be for you all. Love She. XX
     
  19. SmogTheCat

    SmogTheCat Registered User

    Sep 1, 2005
    45
    Italy
    After a few week I'm coming back to the forum.
    Lot of thinks changed.
    Sometimes Antonietta says to others that I'm her doughther and my Mum is my sister, then she recognize she is my granmother.
    Since a couple of weekd she started asking about her father. Today my Mum told her he is day many years ago when she was very young and Antonietta said "Dead? My father.... I don't know"
    What can we say when she asks about her father?
     
  20. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Smog the Cat,
    You could try and get her to talk about what she remembers about her father, or try and change the subject. There is no point in repeatedly telling her that he is dead as it may distress her.
    Best wishes, Amy.
     

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