Time for myself

[treerings88]

Need advise on dealing with getting time to myself.
My 86 year old mother has early stages Alzheimer's. Still not officially diagnosed but presenting all the symptoms (my father passed away from it 3 years ago, so we recognize the signs).
I have moved back to England after 37 years in Canada to care for my mother. However I need to still have a life of my own. I am 55, single woman.
My problem is that whenever I go out and leave my mum alone (she's perfectly ok alone for now). She gets herself worked up into a frantic panic that I'm not coming back. That I don't care and that I'm leaving her alone. When I return, she goes into a rage of resentment, yelling and screaming that I don't care and to get out of her house. The first time it happened, I packed my bags and left. I was only gone for about 3 hours when she called me to apologize. I came home. The next day, she did it again (I had gone to the cinema). She again apologized about 6 hours later.
I stay home with her Monday through Friday, and need to spend time away on the weekends. When I come home on Sunday's she accuses me of being gone for weeks, she calls family and friends complaining that she hasn't seen me in weeks (even though its only been 1 day). Fortunately they understand the situation, and pretty much ignore her accusations.
Can anyone advise me on how to get her to see or understand that I need this time away. She looked after my father for 4 years and should understand. But her current mental health won't allow it.
Thanks anyone...
Kathryn

 

[Beate]

Have you thought about getting support in? She could go to a Day Centre or get befrienders in to sit and chat with her. That might alleviate the anxiety she is clearly feeling when you are gone. That anxiety is not your fault, it's part of the condition, but it needs addressing, because it sounds like your mother is scared when being left on her own, as her faculties and memory have decreased and the world is now a frightening place.

 

[margherita]

Hi @treerings88,
It is not easy to persuade a person with dementia of anything.
Since your mother is in the early stages , she should remember that you come back after going away.
Tell her ( and write it down for her) when you go (not too much ahead..) and when you will be back.

She might get used to you spending some time on your own.
She is ill, but you can't give up your life

 

[Amethyst59]

That was my first thought too. Write it down...with time of return. I use a white board successfully at the moment.

 

[karaokePete]

My wife is anxious and tends to shadow me when we are together and get worried when we are apart. I never leave my OH for long but when I do I give her something to do and set a timer so that she can always see how much longer I will be. So far that works for us.

 

[treerings88]

She’s refusing any outside help or carers. Has decided that she doesn’t need me and is fine on her own. She has always been a very nasty ungrateful woman and I’m not sure I can do this.
She is in denial that she is sick and so this stops any chance of getting outside help. She doesn’t want my sister around either.