Thoughts on this?

[maryjoan]

Social Services assessed OH as needing supported living rather than the care home, which he has been in for a month's respite, as I was at the point of collapse.
I found a place at a lovely facility in a nearby town, that we can afford without county funding - it was a long drawn out task to put all the little ducks in a line, including stoma care - but by Monday afternoon I had sorted it.
My daughter and I moved his necessary furnishings and belongings yesterday, and set his room up for him - remembering to take some treats like his favourite chocolates and biscuits, as well as some new jigsaws etc and a brand new TV.
He was transferred from the care home yesterday afternoon, after we had left, as that was recommended as being the best thing to do.

I received an email from the manager saying he seemed to have settled well, and that he was delighted to see his clock and dictionary!

Then I received a phone call from him asking what on earth was going on, and why were his items of furniture there - I told him, rightly, it was because the room came unfurnished.

This morning, I had another phone call from him saying there was absolutely no way that he was stopping there for the 4 week trial - but he wouldn't tell me why.

Then I had a phone call from the manager saying that he had walked into town, when he should have been out for 45 mins exercise under the lockdown regs. He had gone to the local community transport people and demanded to be brought home...... they said they couldn't and phoned the supported living to tell them.

The carer dealing with his stoma emailed me to say he was abrupt and dismissive of her and clearly not happy - she only stopped 30 mins instead of the hour, as he told her to go.

I have heard no more from him since, I have had a dreadful day of concern, and worry, and upset. I think he will try something else tomorrow like using the exercise time as a 'window' to get on a bus and come home.

How am I supposed to handle this ? I am on my own, his family are 200+ miles away.

I will see what happens tomorrow, I suppose, but I am so weary of it all. I know he can't help it, but that doesn't help me.

 

[nita]

Hallo @maryjoan - it sounds like has a degree of mental capacity to make decisions and find a way to get home. Is that why the council turned him down for a care home? It doesn't sound as if assisted living is right for him though and I wonder if the council will agree if you put it to them what has happened? Can you get on to them straight away tomorrow before the weekend, especially emphasising that you can't cope with this situation, neither can you deal with him at home.

I hope the assisted living manager will support you in this as they clearly cannot supervise him and I suppose that is not the intention with this type of accommodation - you are supposed to have your independence. How a person with dementia is meant to live in this setting I can't imagine. It would be good if you could get their agreement that he is not a suitable candidate and report this back to the council.

 

[Hayley JS]

I'm with @nita, SS have duty of care and need to be informed as a matter of urgency. Is it possible for the manager to contact SS directly as well? Its ridiculous how SS carry on recommending folk aren't yet ready for a care home when we all know full well that as dementia advances our loved ones simply cannot function on their own. It's cruel to the Pwd and cruel on the family who are expected to step up and carry on whilst SS drag out the inevitable to save the LA a few grand... And as most of our pwd's then end up in a crisis situation involving police, ambulances and hospital stays one has to wonder if it isn't all a false economy anyway!!! Rant over ?.

 

[canary]

You must document everything @maryjoan and send emails (daily if necessary) to SS telling them what has happened that day

 

[Weasell]

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, you must be feeling dreadful.
I agree documenting is the best way forward.
in addition I might be contacting the care home and seeing if there was anything in their notes or documentation that could support my case, to indicate that he actually needs full time care.
I would go online and download the form to do a Herbert protocol. This is what the police like to be given if the person goes missing.
I would also consider purchasing a tracker. If that could be made to work, with the complexity of someone charging the battery and making sure it was concealed in his coat ?
I may also try to engage the manager in ‘ chit chat’ ! they most likely have the knowledge of exactly the criteria to get someone moved.
I suspect few people can understand the fear and frustration you are feeling. It would be enough to make you ill.