Thoughts on bad behaviour?

[Kate P]

Thanks for the advice and support. I'm just taking a big breath and trying to organise my thoughts - I seem to be having too many of them just now!

I quite agree that mum can no longer go to this group - if I was one of those parents I'd be very unhappy about it and I think that the time bomb is ticking now before there is a real incident.

I've also tried to persuade dad and the vicar that it's not appropriate for mum to help out at the nursing homes anymore either. That resulted from an incident at the Christmas service when one of the residents didn't want her to take his hymn book so she whacked him on the arm. Again, if his family had been present you can imagine how angry they'd be and again rightly so.

Even typing this I feel so guilty (pointless I know but there we are) that I'm "plotting" against my mum but I think there's more than her welfare at stake.

Dad also frustrates me in that he just won't help himself at all. We did find a good consultant not too far away (about 45 mins drive) and we pulled some strings and called in favours and he agreed to take mum but then dad said no he didn't want to. No real reason that I can establish or that he's admiting to.

I can only assume there's still a level of denial with it all. How we will explain to mum that she can't go to the playgroup or nursing homes anymore I can't imagine because dad doesn't want her to know that she has dementia.

Maybe it's a harsh view point from me but I can't understand his attitude at all - he just wants to go along with what mum wants and wants to give her her own way all the time but it's just not a realistic stance - especially as her thinking is so irrational.

Now I do believe it's a matter of picking your battles - if she wants to buy a tin of pineapple that she'll never eat, let her because it's not worth the argument - but other things such as seeing the right doctor and preventing her from possibly causing harm to someone else - these are battles that should be fought.

Why would you not go to the person who could help you the most?

I cart my daughter all over the place seeing various doctors and specialists because these are the people who can help - she doesn't want to go but her wants are not as important as the fact that the right thing is for her to see them.

A bit rambly I know but I feel hemmed in from all sides and the stupid thing is it's my dad whose doing it.

I will try and speak to the vicar again and try to be a bit more forceful about it all, as it is just a matter of time before there is a major incident.

 

[jenniferpa]

Kate - can I just say that I really think you've got your head screwed on straight? But can I also say that, while it's admirable that you're taking this on, this really is your father's responsibility, even if he's not stepping up to the plate. You have your own health to look out for at this time, and while I really do understand your desire to do the best for your mother in spite of the obstacles that your father throws up, when it comes down to it you can't force him to do what he should. I know you've considered this before but: is it perhaps time for a withdrawal of labour on your and your sister's part?

If you really feel you need to stay in involved then yes: you need to "rat" them both out to whoever needs to be told. No, it's no pleasant, but someone has to be responsible about it, and it looks like you girls are "it".

Edited to add:

You know it's fortunate that your mother hasn't tangled at the nursing home with someone like my friend's mother who if anyone gets at all aggressive with her, takes off her shoe and thwacks them with it!

 

[Kate P]

Could you imagine??!! A free for all in the nursing home - it'd certainly give them a lot to talk about!

My mother in law gives the same advice - you've tried your best and it's time to back away - and I am trying to to some extent - but I'm a natural interferer! I just can't help myself.

Dad does seem to be thinking a little more about getting outside help - my sister has also just found out that she is pregnant and she has a rocky history with pregnancy so she needs to take it easy too. It's just monumental bad timing - if we were older and our children were older, we could probably help out a lot more but what can we do? Even if mum was a "passive" dementia sufferer we could probably help a little more but as it is ...

It's hard to do back off isn't it - feels a bit disloyal but there's only so long you can bang your head against a brick wall.

I think I'll have one more try with the vicar, just because I'd hate them to end up with a law suit or something because they're trying to be kind to mum and dad.

At least I have you guys to talk to - my knights in virtually shining armour!!

 

[Skye]

Oh dear Kate, the problems don't get any less. And the main problem seems to be your father. I'd have thought he'd have had more consideration for your condition, he obviously knows how precious this pregnancy is to you.

I agree with the others that there are legal issues here. Would that help to sway your father? If he thought that there was a possibility of your mum being sued?

I'm afraid you're going to have to talk to the vicar if he won't. It's the vicar's responsibility to tell both your mum and dad that she can't help any more. He should be trained to deal with situations like this.

So sorry, Kate. Just when you should be taking it easy and looking forward to your new baby.

Love and hugs,

 

[Margarita]

I've also tried to persuade dad and the vicar that it's not appropriate for mum to help out at the nursing homes anymore either.

Does the vicar know what wrong with your mother ?

I am very sure that no on would bring a law suit on to the vicar.

when you do talk talk to vicar, he still does not listen to you. just back of let them all get on with it . You can't let your stress level go to high as your pageant .

Take care xx

 

[Kate P]

The vicar does know about mum - I think it's why she's so reluctant to act because she knows that it gives dad a break when mum goes there - plus I think she's trying to preseve mum's normality as long as possible but frankly that time has long gone.

As you say I shall have one more go and then leave them to it - we can't be responsible for the rest of the world.

Dad does make the whole situation worse with his reluctance to act - on the whole I feel so bad for him - as with the rest of you who care for spouses he's stuck in a situation he never wanted but he's also with a woman who does not resemble his wife in any way and that's got to be devestating. I think that's the worst part of FTD. It would be easier to care of she still felt like our mum/his wife.

We've encouraged him to seek counselling to try and face up to it all but ... you guessed it - not a chance in hell!

I'll let you know how I get on with the vicar.

 

[Margarita]

Dad does make the whole situation worse with his reluctance to act - on the whole I feel so bad for him - as with the rest of you who care for spouses he's stuck in a situation he never wanted but he's also with a woman who does not resemble his wife in any way and that's got to be devestating. I think that's the worst part of FTD. It would be easier to care of she still felt like our mum/his wife.

We've encouraged him to seek counselling to try and face up to it all

Tell the vicar that above . Then ask if she talk to your father
on a personal level , seeing that you father does not want to talk to a counselor but he could, may open up talk to a vicar .


Vicar are like counselor really . Tell the vicar not to mention that you said anything in asking her if she can talk to your father.

That if your father a person of faith also , that would confide in a vicar in what his feeling .