Hi there, don’t want to scare you buts this is my experience.
I moved my mum into extra care, most people on here warned me against it, I didn’t really listen, I felt I had to try. She was so unhappy at home following the death of my dad, surrounded by all her memories and kept saying the house was a family home and she didn’t want to be there, I hoped the move would settle her in some way. She only lasted 4 months. I decided to use some of her savings to renovate her house so that we could rent it out to pay the rent on the flat and to later help with any further care fees, she spent most of the time making her way home while the builders were there, I was constantly getting calls to go pick her up, she was phoning me constantly asking to go home and was very upset all the time.
She had alarms fitted to the doors which would go off if she opened the doors between certain times, the carers would turn them off in the morning and back on a night. She hated this and felt trapped but we had to have some kind of alert if she left the flat as she wasn’t safe to go out alone, even though she always managed to find her way home to her house!!
I practically lived with her the time she was there, as the care provided was not sufficient to keep her safe. She never got used to the building and couldn’t really join in with any activities without being accompanied, to be honest they didn’t have much going on anyway, just the odd coffee morning or game of bingo. She used to wander the corridors at night trying to find her way out, banging on people’s doors, I would get a call from care line and have to stay with her for the rest of the night.
The whole thing definitely made her dementia worse and it turns out she was too advanced to cope with the move. I deeply regretted it at the time but I had to do something, her house was dangerous through many years of neglect and she was still using a coal fire chopping wood on the kitchen floor and constantly losing things amongst the clutter. I decided to take her home once the renovations were finished, again a massive gamble, but she settled back in really well and she lasted around another 18 months there before going into full time care. The whole experience was definitely a bad one for us.
It’s not for everyone and every place is different but all we can do is try our best to support our loved ones. This is all trial and error no one size fits all. I find it helpful to read other people’s experiences and reassuring to know we all make mistakes but ultimately only you can decide what you feel is best at that time. Maybe you could try paid carers at home first to help lessen your load. I do wish you well and hope you can find the best solution for you and your dad x