Thought I'd be feeling better by now :-(

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Chaucer, Mar 6, 2016.

  1. Chaucer

    Chaucer Registered User

    Jun 16, 2015
    17
    Hi All,

    Hope you are all doing ok.

    I came on here a bit last year when my mum died. She died on 7th February last year, after a long illness with Alzheimers and VD and finally, pneumonia. It was very hard at first and then in September, after talking on here, I had some bereavement counselling, which did help and I picked up and stopped feeling so exhausted.

    Sadly, I felt rubbish again over Christmas and my 10 year old daughter had a chest infection in January and is still coughing now! She was off of school for quite a while and I think being in so much took its toll. Obviously we've had the year anni of mums death and today mothers day and I'm feeling really tired again - it seems more physical than emotional - I think I'd rather be crying than endlessly drained of energy. I have booked another counselling session for a weeks time, but finding less to talk about.

    Maybe it's partly the time of year, but feeling this run down after one year of mum dying - doesn't feel normal?
     
  2. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,225
    Female
    South coast
    (((hugs))) Chaucer - I think its entirely normal. First anniversaries are always hard and I expect your daughter having a chest infection brought back difficult memories. Emotional stress is often felt as physical - I think the boundaries between the two can be somewhat artificial. I know I get tired and "run down" when Im under a lot of stress. Im glad you are getting further counseling. Dont be so hard on yourself, it can take a good couple of years to feel better and I often think it takes longer for us carers as we are so involved with them.
     
  3. lin1

    lin1 Registered User

    Jan 14, 2010
    9,322
    Female
    East Kent
    Hi. Sorry to hear that your feeling so rough and your daughter being ill.
    I think the time of year doesn't help either.

    It's good to hear you have booked another counselling session .

    Personally I found all the firsts very hard, the seconds a little less so.
    I think part of the problem is some people including ourselves seem to have the idea that we should be over our grief in X amount of time ,often only a few weeks.
    The reality is often very different.

    I'm wondering if it would also be a good idea to see your GP, the reaso I say this is and please don't take this the wrong way. From time to time my mum used to suffer with depression and some of her symptoms were tiredness and lacking the energy and will to do anything. I hope I haven't upset you in saying this as that is the last thing I want to do. I just wanted you to be aware that it may not only be grief affecting you.

    Please let us know how you are.
     
  4. count2ten

    count2ten Registered User

    Dec 13, 2013
    186
    #4 count2ten, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2016
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  5. sonia owen

    sonia owen Registered User

    Hi Chaucer,
    Sorry to read you are having a hard time. Saying time heals, they don't say how long it will take to get over the loss of a loved one. It can only be done in your time. Talking certainly can help. I have found some days I want to go over how my mum died. I may say the same things to my husband a few times.
    Hugs Sonia xxx
     
  6. Crunchy

    Crunchy Registered User

    Feb 21, 2016
    42
    I think it's normal to feel exhausted, or so folk say on here. It's just over a month since my dad died, and I still feel utterly drained and lacking motivation to do almost everything that's not essential, even going out socially seems too much.
    May be it's not just the time when grieving starts, it's the time when we took responsibility for our relative's entire life and welfare, that takes it out of us so much? It's like fighting a constant battle so much of the time when the dementia takes hold, and I certainly didn't have time to process everything while he was still alive. I thought I was getting more level headed, but today I was overwhelmed with tears and sadness. My dad was such an enormous influence on my life, even though the last years trying to keep him happy and safe were a terrible stress, he was still my dad. His needs really came top of my list constantly for the last 18 months, and now that is gone, and I can never talk to him again, it's a massive period of readjustment, and I wouldn't be surprised if it takes an awfully long time to heal xxx
     
  7. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Grief is a terribly hard thing. It astonishes me how callous some people can be. They expect the bereaved to just pick their life back up and go on. When you lose someone who meant everything to you that is just impossible. I lost my Dad 21 years ago this summer. I still miss him so much and talk about him almost every day. It took me 18 months from his death to even feel like a functioning person again. The birth of my daughter 17 years ago helped me move on a make a new and different life.

    No-one can say how you should feel. It does help to talk so I hope you can do that. If not, please write as we will be here for you. Getting out into the light and fresh air helps too. I also kept a gratitude journal and read it when I was really low. If possible, find a way to help others, as this also lifts you outside of your own life.

    Big Hug. You are stronger than you know to have managed this far.
    X
    Quilty
     

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