Those who hate whining look away now...

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Kate P, Oct 24, 2007.

  1. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    I know I shouldn't, I know it's not helpful but I just can't help it.

    Feeling a bit gloomy about other stuff so been for a walk when I saw a lovely couple who looked a bit like my mum and dad.

    They were holding hands and laughing talking about their Christmas shopping and that tiny word that I know I shouldn't utter pops into my head...

    There's no point saying it - it won't help, it'll only make me feel worse but here among friends can I just ask a very quiet...

    Why?
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,584
    Kent
    Why indeed, Kate. I suppose it`s as well there is no answer.

    Love xx
     
  3. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hello Kate

    Why indeed! There's no rhyme or reason to it. And you're not whining - 'just' caring.
     
  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    39,439
    Dear Kate

    Perhaps this is going to sound unecessarily robust, but the flip side to that coin is "why not?". Don't get me wrong, I don't see why anyone should have to go through this, or any other major disease. Unfortunately, while I recognise that this may not be everyone's view point, it is mine that stuff happens, with no justification at all. You can have lived a virtuous life, yet still have truly awful things happen to you. You can also have been an unpleasant individual and sail through life with nary a bump on the road. I suppose what I'm trying to say is fair doesn't come into life - you live it to the best of your ability and deal with what it throws at you.

    Which is not to say that you're not perfectly justified in thinking and saying that it's not fair. It isn't, and this is an excellent place to say it. Sometimes, recognising the essential unfairness of it all gives you the strength to continue on.

    Love
     
  5. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    No I think you're quite right Jennifer.

    That's why I said I try not to head down that path of questioning. I'm sure there are other people who would look at my life and think "why" about me?

    Just every now and again it creeps in there and I think it's better to get it out - other than that it builds and builds and turns into something nasty altogether.

    Like you said why not? Would I rather it was them than my mum and dad? Of course not - I'm not that bitter yet!!;) As Sylvia once said to me other people cannot be expected to bare the burden of my pain.

    I'm feeling much better now - I shall plough on with a big smile - thanks for the support.:) :) :)
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,584
    Kent
    :eek:
    Kate that`s not what I meant at all. Oh this flipping written word. I say your pain is your pain, and hurts you more than the pain of others. :eek:
     
  7. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    I looked !

    Dear Kate,
    When I see couples to-gether I feel so envious. I have never felt envy before. I have 4 fantastic children and 6 grandchildren, so I consider myself blessed. In saying that I am depressed, lonely, frustrated, angry and this b*****y illness. I miss Peter very much. I have been asked to go back to councelling other Carers' but how can I do that when I feel the way I do. This illness I would not wish on an enemy but when it is our loved ones, how is it some horrible people go through life without problems. My yougest son is getting married soon, how can we when dealing with this illness enjoy any occassion if our loved ones are not with us. I had a though the other day, if I could go back in time I would love to meet Dr.Alzheimer and say to him, "you diagnoised the disease, now find the cure! Only hope I have not made your day worse, sorry if I have. Love from Christine
     
  8. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Not at all Christine, on a day when you're feeling down and not as strong as you could be it helps to know you're not alone and that other people feel it too - as much as I truly wish that none of you shoudl suffer with this too it makes me feel stronger to know I'm not alone.

    I think that's the true blessing of TP, even above all the excellent practical advice.

    Sylvia, I'm so sorry if I misquoted you!!:eek: But to be honest even taking it the way I thought you'd meant it, it was one of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given and I was very grateful for it - it stopped me wanting to bludgeon many of my staff with my stapler! :)
     
  9. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    When I was first suddenly widowed many years ago, it was my DIL who always asked the question. She would see couples out doing all the things that my husband and I did, and she really felt for me.

    The following year her own dear dad died, and she did then the question for her mum.

    Ironically her dear mum now has dementia, and is in the same care home as my Lionel.

    Me, I've stopped asking questions, but thank you for bringing the subject up Katie
    We all need to offload in our own way. Where better than here on TP amonst true friends.
     
  10. okmurrays

    okmurrays Registered User

    Oct 17, 2007
    118
    kelowna, bc, canada
    I can feel for you completely. I've felt like that too.

    But then I look at other's and think, well we all have our own reasons to ask 'why'?

    A friend of mine seemed to have it all. Good career, wealthy background, lovely kids etc. Then her Dad died of a brain tumour in his 50's and her Mum, a non smoker, of painful lung cancer after a long fight, in her 60's. We all have our 'why's'...

    Doesn't make it any easier, but makes me count my blessings at times.
     
  11. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kate, I've felt like that too, so often.

    In my case, it was the death of my lovely daughter, aged 18, four months after the death of my first husband. Believe me, why? was the word most often on my lips.

    It hasn't made me count my blessings, I've never been very good at that. What it has done is made me more able to cope -- although that took a long time.

    My mantra now is, 'I've survived worse than this!'

    Yes, things still hurt, and I'm still jelly inside, but I know what the worst pain feels like, and that I survived it.

    There's really no answer to the 'why?', and the question doesn't go away. But you'll survive too.:)

    Love and hugs,
     
  12. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Why or why not?

    Or maybe even because we can cope!

    My hope is that one day we will find a cure to this and other illnesses but given that death and taxes are the only things certain in life my heart feels that some type of illness will always be with us.

    I too have uttered that little word too most often as I see other friends with their Mums and Dads with them and their children, helping to care for and love them. I would so loved to have had my parents helping me..but it was not to be.

    I think like Hazel says you start to realise that you do cope and survive..although it is very difficult at the time.

    Life isn't fair! Would it be better if it were? I don't think so as we would lose the uniqueness and individuality of our lives which makes such a great whole, plus I think we would also lose the ability to feel great happiness at points in our lives too.
    (((((((((hugs))))))))))

    MAmeeskye
     
  13. elaineo2

    elaineo2 Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    945
    leigh lancashire
    Dear Kate,i know exactly how you are feeling.Why?There is no simple answer,we can speculate and attempt to make life better for us all living with this disease or not.The sad fact of life is that whatever we want,do or say,may never be granted,Therefore we end up with things we wouldn't wish on anyone.But proudly we take the stake in life and do what we do.love to you all elainex
     
  14. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    4,348
    Birmingham Hades
    Hi Christine
    a reasonable question,and you must have been there to ask it
    I know too well all the feelings that you describe.
    My Sons both ask why their MOM.
    It seems to me when we think we have everything some thing gives you a kick in the teeth and you lose it.
    I will always ask why,but I console myself with the thought that I did my best when Peg was alive,nothing can take that away.
    Norman
     
  15. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    3,388
    Buckinghamshire
    Dear Norman,
    Thank you for your message. When you say we can only do our best, Peg must have been given so much love and support. I did that with Peter and I have read books, studied research papers, discussed A.D.with Doctors' and Consultants and although I understand that I could not have done any more for Peter, with my disablity although it was hard, I did not want him to go in Care Home. He does not remember marrying me. A huge consulation for me is that he was always a hands on Grandad and the children frequently talk and look at albums with them and Peter. I want them to remember happy times but my 14 year old Grandaughter asked Why my Grandad. I had no answer for her. When Lauren (Grandaughter) did research regarding A.D. at School and raised £100 for A.S. Lauren asked how long the illness lasted and again not able to give answers. So apart from WHY, we are left at the end of the day still searching for answers.
    I wish you well. Thank you. Christine
     
  16. Nutty Nan

    Nutty Nan Registered User

    Nov 2, 2003
    787
    Buckinghamshire
    Why .........

    What inspiration in this thread!
    Nothing to do with whining at all, but opening the question up to all and sundry is producing a veritable rainbow of philosophies and coping strategies.
    Why should we feel guilty for asking (occasionally) 'why'?
    I know full well it is useless to try and imagine life as it could or might have been ...... but I catch myself doing it all the same, only to realise that if it weren't for AD, something else, possibly worse (?????) might have made a mockery of all our best laid plans.
    My consolation: grief and/or pain is the price we pay for love. Tough, but still worth it, me thinks!
    ;)
     
  17. Kate P

    Kate P Registered User

    Jul 6, 2007
    565
    Merseyside
    Hi everyone,

    Just wanted to say a big thank you for the support. It certainly has been inspirational reading everyone's responses.

    I truly felt a bit ashamed for posting what I did as I know other people reading it have much worse situations than mine but as usual my fellow TPers came through with wonderful support and advice.

    I think you should all be sainted!!:) :)

    I was feeling rather gloomy as it looks like I can't have anymore children and it just compounded things you know but we've decided to look at adoption and I feel quite positive about that.

    However, that raises a whole host of questions as how my mum would deal with it. Would she have any understanding of who the child is or why theyr're suddenly living with me?

    Haven't had the courage to tell my dad yet...
     
  18. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,584
    Kent
    Dear Kate,

    So sorry you can`t have any more children on top of everything else. That really is a body blow.

    As far as adoption is concerned, I`d make all the enquiries first before worrying about the reactions from your parents. As far as I know it`s quite a long drawn out procedure, so you`ll have plenty of time.

    Don`t ever feel ashamed for posting. We can`t keep comparing the severity of our concerns with those of others. TP is here for all of us.

    You have a lot on your plate and if posting on TP helps you, then it`s serving it`s purpose.

    Love xx
     
  19. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Kate, please don't ever feel ashamed. As you saw from your replies, many of us have felt the same way, and many are feeling that way today. It helps that you had the courage to post about your feelings.

    I'm sorry you can't have more children, but it's good that you're feling positive about adoption. I'd go ahead with it. Who knows what the situation will be when the adoption takes place? Please don't put your life on hold, I'm sure your mum and dad wouldn't want that.

    Love,
     
  20. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Kate

    What courage you show in your reply. I think that you are doing as your Mum would have wished. She has taught you so much. Don't feel ashamed about being down. We all are at times.

    Good luck..I know that trauma that infertility can bring only too well. Good luck with adoption. I am sure with the inner strength you have that you will cope.

    Love

    Mameeskye
     

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