I thought I’d share my experience as I have gained so much from others on talking point.
I have posted before but in short 85 year old mum with moderate vascular dementia came to live with us two and a half years ago ( long distance care for many years before)
We have muddled along through COVID etc lots of time lots of patience by all family members and friends. Then feeling the need for some time away for first time in 8 years mum agreed to a short break at a local residential home. I hated the planning to take her , I cried at how brave she seemed as I kissed her goodbye and our time away was definitely tinged with guilt and sadness.
Yesterday I picked her up - the home had emailed lots of positives and had her and her things ready to bring home. So we did a short visit to Tesco on way home picked up some of her favourite things and settled down to watch Bargains hunt as usual. After a short while mum became upset, saying she wanted to back to the residential home with her friends, how lovely the staff were, how she was never on her own and there was always something going on. So after an afternoon of conversations and phone calls I took mum back. She was happy and calm and trotted off to the lounge hardly looked back. I am now in a state of shock. The mix of emotions is so strange “how dare she choose them over me her only daughter” “how amazing is it she feels that safe and secure “ “was she really unhappy with us when no one was here””what are the implications of residential care etc I knew this may be on the horizon but it is happening now.
Mum was always someone who frowned upon others who arranged care for older family members and here she is choosing a residential home for herself over life with her family. This was the last thing we expected. So I think I will now look differently at mums life through her eyes and not assume I know best. I
I have posted before but in short 85 year old mum with moderate vascular dementia came to live with us two and a half years ago ( long distance care for many years before)
We have muddled along through COVID etc lots of time lots of patience by all family members and friends. Then feeling the need for some time away for first time in 8 years mum agreed to a short break at a local residential home. I hated the planning to take her , I cried at how brave she seemed as I kissed her goodbye and our time away was definitely tinged with guilt and sadness.
Yesterday I picked her up - the home had emailed lots of positives and had her and her things ready to bring home. So we did a short visit to Tesco on way home picked up some of her favourite things and settled down to watch Bargains hunt as usual. After a short while mum became upset, saying she wanted to back to the residential home with her friends, how lovely the staff were, how she was never on her own and there was always something going on. So after an afternoon of conversations and phone calls I took mum back. She was happy and calm and trotted off to the lounge hardly looked back. I am now in a state of shock. The mix of emotions is so strange “how dare she choose them over me her only daughter” “how amazing is it she feels that safe and secure “ “was she really unhappy with us when no one was here””what are the implications of residential care etc I knew this may be on the horizon but it is happening now.
Mum was always someone who frowned upon others who arranged care for older family members and here she is choosing a residential home for herself over life with her family. This was the last thing we expected. So I think I will now look differently at mums life through her eyes and not assume I know best. I