This might be useful to consider

[Morg]

I thought I’d share my experience as I have gained so much from others on talking point.
I have posted before but in short 85 year old mum with moderate vascular dementia came to live with us two and a half years ago ( long distance care for many years before)
We have muddled along through COVID etc lots of time lots of patience by all family members and friends. Then feeling the need for some time away for first time in 8 years mum agreed to a short break at a local residential home. I hated the planning to take her , I cried at how brave she seemed as I kissed her goodbye and our time away was definitely tinged with guilt and sadness.
Yesterday I picked her up - the home had emailed lots of positives and had her and her things ready to bring home. So we did a short visit to Tesco on way home picked up some of her favourite things and settled down to watch Bargains hunt as usual. After a short while mum became upset, saying she wanted to back to the residential home with her friends, how lovely the staff were, how she was never on her own and there was always something going on. So after an afternoon of conversations and phone calls I took mum back. She was happy and calm and trotted off to the lounge hardly looked back. I am now in a state of shock. The mix of emotions is so strange “how dare she choose them over me her only daughter” “how amazing is it she feels that safe and secure “ “was she really unhappy with us when no one was here””what are the implications of residential care etc I knew this may be on the horizon but it is happening now.
Mum was always someone who frowned upon others who arranged care for older family members and here she is choosing a residential home for herself over life with her family. This was the last thing we expected. So I think I will now look differently at mums life through her eyes and not assume I know best. I

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Morg, I’m so glad your mother’s respite stay was so successful. It must be a shock to you, but it sounds like the best thing for you mum.
Pre/Covid my mum’s care home was staring to feel like another home. I got to know other residents and staff and turning up and joining in activities, and I hope the same is true for you and your mum too.
I guess it will take a while for you to adjust, but we’re here if you want to talk things through.

 

[MartinWL]

Some people do enjoy care home life. I heard a story yesterday of a lady living near my dad who is apparently delighted with her new lifestyle. For elderly people living alone life can be dull. A care home can be more like a long holiday with entertainment, good food, and company.

Of course every situation is different and life in a care home can be miserable if health problems make it impossible to enjoy the benefits. My mother had a poor 18 months but that was because of health.

 

[Debbie J]

In some ways I think this is the way I would hope for our situation at home would resolve itself. My mum cares for my dad and situation at times is so bad - the resentment my mum is so able to demonstrate is sad and I believe that it would be in both their interest for dad to be in care. He goes twice week to day centre and loves it - they are his friends and he has outside stimulation. Your mum obviously feels at peace with her new situation and that is not a slight on the care you have provided - just try and see the positive for your mum. It’s a really difficult journey and it’s so easy to struggle with guilt when weighing up all options for the best going forward for our loved ones ❤️

 

[jaymor]

I am one who does not mind being on my own but I also love meeting up with friends for coffee and a good old natter. Your mum will have the best of both worlds, your visits and company when you are not there. She can just ’ people watch ‘ if she wants, join in when she wants or disappear into her own room when she wants peace and quiet. It’s just perfect. I don’t think she is rejecting you she has seen and liked care home living. It really is a win win situation For you both.

 

[DreamsAreReal]

@Morg You can’t do right for doing wrong, where Dementia is concerned. But realistically, it was probably just the right time for Mum to need a care home. You’ve done a wonderful job with her, I hope you’re not feeling like you must have done something wrong, because you should be proud of yourself - give yourself a big pat on the back for keeping her safe the last few years. Well done! ?

 

[Morg]

Thank you for those lovely replies, they really have helped with how I feel today.
xx

 

[Frank24]

Oh Morg. That must feel like such a weird mix of emotions. I think what no one talks about is how you feel when your loved one goes into a care home when you have been doing the main caring. You do feel a bit lost and it may feel strange that your mum has picked this but how amazing that you can feel like this was her choice and she is happy. That will bring comfort in the hard times that lie ahead. You’ll never have to think you “put” your Mum in a home where she was unhappy. That is such a gift! X

 

[Morg]

Oh Morg. That must feel like such a weird mix of emotions. I think what no one talks about is how you feel when your loved one goes into a care home when you have been doing the main caring. You do feel a bit lost and it may feel strange that your mum has picked this but how amazing that you can feel like this was her choice and she is happy. That will bring comfort in the hard times that lie ahead. You’ll never have to think you “put” your Mum in a home where she was unhappy. That is such a gift! X

Thank you Frank 24 For your very thoughtful comments. I am still completely stunned only just doing the basics, whereas when she was here and there was lots to do I was rushing and busy all day. Day by day I suppose but it feels such a loss without there actually being a loss. Thank you x

 

[canary]

Day by day I suppose but it feels such a loss without there actually being a loss.

But there is a loss - you have lost the person as they were and that relationship
Its called anticipatory grief.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))