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'This isn't my home' when it is...

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Julie Mc, Jun 8, 2015.

  1. Julie Mc

    Julie Mc Registered User

    Jan 6, 2010
    4
    SellyOak,Birmingham
    Can anyone help with what to say in this circumstance please?

    My mum is 89, has AD and is in her own home with 3 carers a day. She has started saying intermittently that she wants to go home and this isn't her home. We've tried taking her out, hoping she'll recognise it when she gets back, but it rarely works.

    Last night's carer had this problem again, but eventually was able to leave her reasonably content. This morning, the carer had trouble opening the front door as she had tried to pull up the carpet - presumably trying to get out (she no longer knows how to open the door).

    Has anyone found anything to say that works please? Thank you!
     
  2. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    806
    North East
    I think distraction is the only thing that could work here. What she is saying is her true reality. She probably is thinking if her childhood home with her mum and dad. As this is her truth then arguing that this IS her home simply will be like you trying to convince her that black is blue. So, maybe delaying techniques like it's being decorated/flood fixed/men in doing building works, whatever you deem acceptable to her and she is staying here until
    It's all done and lovely again, that's worth a try xxx
    Good luck, this is a really difficult part of this horrible disease.
     
  3. Julie Mc

    Julie Mc Registered User

    Jan 6, 2010
    4
    SellyOak,Birmingham
    Thank you, Susy. That's a really good idea, I'll try it. :)
     
  4. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,497
    Female
    England
    I could always distract with all the usual, too late now, tomorrow, after shopping, when the workmen have finished. It worked because half an hour later when my husband had forgotten and would ask again I was there to distract again.

    This will only work for your Mum whilst someone is there to repeat the reasons for the delay. Once she is on her own then the problem is there again. Hopefully someone will be along soon who has experience of helping someone living on their own.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,570
    Female
    South coast
    My experience is that it is almost impossible to solve this problem when they are on their own. When they are asking to go home - what they really mean is that they want to go back to a time and place where they dont feel confused :(
    Mum started not to recognise her own home either. She also started going walkabout during the night at about this time, but I dont know if it was related. It was soon after that she needed to go into a care home as she really needed someone with her 24/7
     
  6. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    5,737
    North East Lincs
    Thanks for opening this thread Julie. Wanting to go home is something that my O H is constantly talking about. I had guessed that this is pleading to be taken back to a time and place where she didn't feel confused and frightened for most of the time.
     
  7. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,296
    SW London
    My mother went through a long period of wanting to go home to her parents, both dead for many decades. I used to say I couldn't take her today, because my car was being serviced/the roads were very busy/icy/closed because of a bad accident/the trains were on strike - basically anything that sounded plausible - but maybe we could go tomorrow?

    This always satisfied her, but of course this sort of thing only works when someone's short term memory is already very bad, so that they won't remember that you said much the same before.
     

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