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This is such a mess .....

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by janey106, Apr 4, 2015.

  1. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Haven't posted since early Jamuary and still not sure what we are dealing with. Mum continues to have appalling short term memory/depression/anxiety/panic attacks/minimal eating, threatens suicide dailyetc and every day starts with several hours if 'I'm dying, so poorly, no-one knows/cares/listens/does anything for me'. Started becoming very aggressive again, verbally and more physical in recent weeks - had to restrain her from throwing a heavy cut glass basket at me the other day. After nearly 4 months DVLA revoked driving licence based on medical evidence last week. Mum hates me again for writing to them (whole family supported it, not just me), she has no memory of memory tests or brain scan (which they have told her is clear!?), no memory of car accident locally (not major) where police came to house in evening, concerned she had driven off and car owner who she bumped was worried about her state of mind, she has no insight at all about any impact on Dad of 3 years plus severe issues, no recollection of DVT he has just been treated for etc and so it rolls on. She understood enough to demand to see GP who is writing to DVLA to ask them to explain their decision as he thinks she is okay to drive locally!!! She drives often in rage, cannot concentrate on anything, has no insight or judgement, no short term memory (except about driving?) and has now started a bizarre "erase, rewind, reset" process where she suddenly forgets everything you have just talked about and the whole frustrating, angry loop starts again. She storms out in all weathers, times of day and can be hours away ... So far we have found her or she has eventually returned. Her bloody GP (see earlier posts for problems with him) has persuaded her not to swap GPs after we finally got agreement from Mum and Dad that she should .....because 'he knows her better than anyone!' Now Dad is saying his life is even harder because of driving issue and we should have left well alone. I can handle the blaming, I know it was right (as do rest if family, her friends and own sister all back what has happened) and having been so insulted and cursed at by her I have a skin thicker than rhino hide .... But I am so scared and sad at where this is going. My work, home life are suffering. We are wondering if loads of the drama is just that ....melodramatics. Mum always been fairly dramatic, volatile ....... Surely she can't just be 'playing us'.
    Sorry this is just a rant. Needed somewhere safe to get it off my chest.
  2. lizzybean

    lizzybean Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    Sorry that you are going thru such a lot at the moment. I have no help or advice for you but would like to say that you have done the right thing in regards to the driving licence, it is only going to get worse & next time it could be a major bump.
    Shame you have a GP that is not supportive to you.
  3. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    West Midlands
    Oh my goodness!! I so understand your frustration.

    Mum had a GP who needed a certain opticians as he couldn't/wouldn't see what was happening to mum

    I ended up recording her phone calls to me and playing them back to him.. We got a CPN.

    Sadly it wasn't until mum started wandering during the night that she finally went into a care home for emergency respite with CPN recommendation and the staff could convince the doctor that she wasn't safe at home.

    There are a lot of battles for you to fight right now... Take a step back and pick the battles to fight. Some are not worth the energy. that is needed for the other battles...

    One step at a time. Take it one step at a time. I so know it's not easy, but hopefully things will start to get sorted.

    Big hug and a chunk of chocolate for you xxx

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  4. Blackfield

    Blackfield Registered User

    Mar 8, 2015
    UnfortunAtely I do not think it is melodramatics, she is not thinking rationally and there is nothing you can do to convince her otherwise. We had a very similar situation with my dad who has Alzheimer's. Mum felt she could not cope with the aggression and arguments it was going to cause by him not being able to drive so stopped going to the doctors. As we lived 2 hours away and could not help mum during this time I let it ride. When they moved to be near me 2 years ago I took control of the situation and surrended his licence and took the car away. He still gets obsessed about not driving occasionally but at least I can help mum when he does go off on.
  5. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Have you tried stop telling her the truth and telling her love lies instead. Make stuff up and all keep to the same story. Maybe the car broke anyway so she can't now drive it. If your dad is still driving it that won't work. How about because of her dvt there is a massive risk of her collapsing at the wheel so the hospital says she isn't insured to drive.
    Distraction also might help. If she is going along with something you can see her getting upset about, is there anything that she really likes, if so try and switch conversations before she gets her teeth into the negative one.
    Sometimes a change of scenery helps.

    All of this takes practice and some days it works others it doesn't. All I can now say is I wish you well x
  6. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    Have just read your post Janey and couldn't leave without saying something though not sure I can add anything truly useful.

    As hard as it is and as worn out as you must be, sticking with it will mean, eventually, getting to a better point - I too don't think it's 'just melodramatics' so there is clearly something wrong and that needs to be diagnosed and treated - there could be a much better quality of life for all of you with that in place but with a useless GP and all of you so worn down by the everyday drama I can see that feels a long way off.

    If Mum isn't a danger to herself and others you could maybe back off a bit but from what you've said she is there or thereabouts and the strain on your Dad is starting to show too - I'm sure his comment about the driving was only a momentary reaction and that really he does see that it was the only course open to you. SS often only get involved when there's a 'crisis' and maybe the GP etc. need that to happen for reality to sink in but that's not really fair to your Mum or the rest of you.

    When you say "they have told her" the brain scan results were clear are you sure that's what was said - the GP would have a copy of the results but if he's as rubbish as he seems I wouldn't trust him to act effectively - has Mum had a letter to confirm the results - if not could you request one or a further appointment with the consultant for a proper review? Something is making your Mum as she is, it isn't just 'melodramatics' she's ill, bless her, and she needs help to sort it out.

    I do appreciate what it's like to feel so swamped and overtaken by the tidal wave of emotions, events and feelings, what's happened and what's to come. At least you have here for venting and hopefully for some small help too.

    Good luck and stay strong, especially when, faced with GP etc. you know you are doing the right thing but meet obstacles. The right help/diagnosis/treatment is out there but, as so many of us know, you have to find it, it doesn't come to you. :mad:

    Wishing you well.
  7. ASH74

    ASH74 Registered User

    May 18, 2014
    Janey......just want to say big hugs....I have been there.....and we are just about out the other side......it has taken 2 years But FIL is finally just about resigned to not driving.

    FIL's GP also said FIL was fine to drive....despite what the consultant said.

    I have been called every name under the sun.....MIL is upset she has lost her driver.

    We wanted his car for ourselves (errrr NO!)

    Every Doctor has said he is fine to drive. (Not true) there is nothing wrong with him.....and all his tests are fine. (No....I was at all the appointments).

    The best one was the the local policeman (apparently) stopped him in the local high street tested him in his mobility scooter and told him he was fine to drive.

    FIL only hears what he wants to hear....and is an aggressive bully if he doesn't. (He has always been that way AZD has just exaggerated it. )

    We took him for a driving assessment to prove what the doctor had said was true......they were out to get him.

    There is much much more.....it has been exhausting .......but I NEVER EVER DOUBTED I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  8. janey106

    janey106 Registered User

    Dec 10, 2013
    Thank you everyone for your replies, advice, support and sharing your own experiences.... Really appreciated. I think For the first time in all of this I am frightened of my own feelings of complete and utter detachment from my Mum ..... I feel numb, like I truly don't care any more. I have always recognised the underlying cause is a disease but it is like the selfishness/drama/anger that she used to keep 'in-check' has been given full reign - I read somewhere that dementia/alzheimers sometimes brings out the very worst in people. I don't want to, but feel I need to, write myself a letter about all the good things too before they get lost in the next horrible phases of this. The timescales so scare me.

    Thsnk you again
  9. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    Janey, I am far from an expert at this, but I wanted to say that I think the numbness and feelings of detachment must be normal for caregivers (at least I sure hope so). Perhaps some others will stop in and comment more about that.

    Please remember that you and your needs are important and do the best you can, not to be hard on yourself. It is so difficult. Please hang in there.

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