this is so hard


Registered User
Apr 2, 2006
stevenage uk
Im trying so hard to keep my patients and just by typing that I feel guilty. Does dementia have to come with so many bad moods, my mum has it but she wont accept it. I have moved in with her but all she wants are my brothers or sister who never bother.:( She has always been so independant and really hates the fact that somethings not quite right.


Registered User
Mar 13, 2006
hi groundhog

First of all dont feel guilty, ask anyone on TP if theyre patience has been tried at some time or another and i bet they say yes!

I know with my mother her mood can vary from hour to hour, in one day ive known her to be aggresive, happy, depressed, moody, and crying, ask her why?she dosent know, it looks like its part and parcel of this disease.

Is your mum on any medication for her moods? are you getting any help from CPN or social services?

its a shame your brothers and sisters cant look after her for a while, she might change her mind about who she wants caring for her.
It cant be easy when your the one in the firing line!

sorry i cant be more help!!

best wishes:)


Registered User
Mar 18, 2006

Well done you for looking after your mum thus far

I can guarantee if she had your brothers and sisters looking after her she would be wanting you. Lots of old people are cranky anyway dementia or not.

Chin up


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Groundhog, we all feel the same

I'm trying so hard to keep my patience and just by typing that I feel guilty.

Don't let the guilt-monster add to your troubles. You're doing your best.

Does dementia have to come with so many bad moods, my mum has it but she wont accept it.

Short answer: Yes.
Longer comment: At this stage, when she's fighting it, with absolutely no wish or intention of 'accepting it', it's no wonder she's always in a bad mood. She's trying (with failing weapons) to maintain her identity and sanity.

I have moved in with her but all she wants are my brothers or sister who never bother

I have moved in with my Mum too, which is a mixed blessing. Less "running around" between 2 homes, but more concentrated & constant exposure to what is happening to Mum. More pain from that realisation, more conflict as you try to help, only to have that help rejected, ignored or forgotten within minutes. Constantly trying not to snap at her when she asks, again & again, the same question which I answered in detail 5 minutes ago. Trying to understand that for her the world is becoming a confusing & frightening place, and that increasingly I am becoming her only contact with it. Trying to count to 10 and say something nice - or at least civil - when actually I want to scream & cry with frustration and helplessness. I want my Mum back, the intelligent, witty, capable woman she used to be, not the stupid, obsessive, dim-witted person she's become. (and now I feel guilty for saying that, but it's true)
I have a brother too, and for Mum the 'sun shines out of his eyes'. However, he lives overseas and cannot contribute anything but moral support to her care. There's no point in my resenting the favouritism, it would just add an extra stress to the mix. (I love him dearly by the way, and appreciate that in some ways it must be worse for him, being far away and not able to visit often)

She has always been so independant and really hates the fact that somethings not quite right

And that's precisely why she's cranky and difficult. I'm independent. If this happens to me I shan't want to stay around for the final curtain, but then I have no offspring to be responsible for, or to answer to. (That's a personal choice, not an answer to anyone else's problem).

This is such a cruel, protracted way for anyone to end a long and useful life, taking away their character and just leaving a shell behind to be 'maintained' until it gives up the ghost. This is the hell we were taught about in Sunday school.

:( Sorry for the downbeat post.


Registered User
Nov 17, 2004
I admire you

There is no way I could cope with living with my Mum, even if I had the space and the finances to do so. Both my brother and I do constantly fel guilty that she is in a care home now.

She refuses to admit her dementia, says she has always been absent minded (!), her moods vary, she can be quite nasty and she has said sometimes that she wants to end it all, she asks the same questions over and over and we have conversations that seem to be on a contunual loop, she is obsessive over things that haven't happened and only exist in her mind and I have often lost my patience with her and walked out. She misses her independence but can't be trusted to go out alone. If she was here she would need constant surveillence and to be kept "on track". I just couldn't do it. She tells people that she is only in the home because she is looking after my stepfather (who is in a wheelchair after a stroke) so we let her think that. Sometimes I think it does worry her and she is self aware but then I am not sure.

I want my Mum back too and it is really really hard, so give yourselves a pat on the back for the things that you are doing.


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Hiya Lynne,
Thank you for the down beat post. I think so often we try to be positive and say the right things, but sometimes its good to read a post and think 'YES', that says what I am feeling.
This is such a cruel, protracted way for anyone to end a long and useful life
It is also cruel and protracted way to live a life for those who love them.


Registered User
Feb 22, 2006
sort of north east ish
Hi Groundhog,

You're doing well. Maybe you feel like you're losing your patience, but you still care enough to move in with her and be concerned that you're losing patience. Your mum is very fortunate to have you.

I lose my patience all the time with my dad. The more ill he's become the less angry I get, because the less hope and expectation I have of anything better, but I still find myself wanting to throttle him at some point most days. It doesn't change the fact that I love him and care about him. I find it helps to talk to other people about how mad he makes me. And I find I have a pretty grim sense of humour that offends some people, but gets me by and has probably saved his skin several times too ;)

best wishes



Registered User
Apr 20, 2006

Hi Groundhog

I feel much the same. My mum was diagnosed a year ago and hospitalised just before that for emergency surgery from which she just survived, then it was clear something wasn't right, to everyone but her. In fact looking back we feel she had AD coming for years but thought she was scatty because she was always so busy, always for other people, always helping, a pillar of the community and church. She was the one who did the helping so she didn't need to be helped. She still feels that although she has help 3 times daily to remind her to eat drink and take her tablets etc.

I moved in when she came out of hospital and she nearly drove me mad Groundhog! Those were the worst days so far, because she battled against me and I knew she thought I was in her face. She struggled with her memory loss, trying to understand her dosette box, fiddling with it one evening for about 4 hours, standing in the kitchen. And sadly, she couldn't understand it at all and mixed them all up ( She has a pre set up dosette box now a blister pack from the chemist so it's not a temptation to fiddle with it but without prompting she wouldn't take them) .I stayed with her until we rented a house as we had to relocate back to near Mum. We were 4 hrs drive away, and now we are about to buy house with annexe for her. A year has gone by and I know she will do battle still!

If you can, go to London, and see 'Smaller' (play) with Dawn French and Alison Moyet. It's about 2 siblings and their mum who needs looking after. It's funny and it's stark and it feels real. You will laugh! I did . I went at the week end. I recommend it as therapy and reassurance.

I agree with what the others have said, about why the independence is demonstrated so strongly. It's heartbreaking to think my mum feels so capable at times and has no insight into not being at that moment. Other times it's just as painful to see her so lacking in confidence, so frustrated and angry with herself, for instance when she loses her house key or handbag, or knows she asked the same question just now but doesn't know the answer. Sometimes I feel she has too much insight and I want her to move to the next stage and lose it completely so she suffers less. I never want to argue with her and tell her she can't do things herself, but occasionally I have contradicted her and said she thinks she can do things but she doesn't. For instance taking her pills, and then she is so deflated I feel dreadful. That's always related to her saying she doesn't need help coming in. I try to downplay what she says and not respond or argue and to change the subject and distract her. That often works. My mum has said a few times she'd rather be dead and she is useless. I'm always very low for days after one of those outbursts. But I think she forgets she says it after. Her moods do swing. Often she is quite happy. She takes anti depressants and has done for years and her GP increased the dose after diagnosis. She rattles with all the pills she takes for so many conditions, but I think she needs the anti depressants. Sometimes i think I'll need some, but I keep going by giving myself permission to grieve for how she was. I think it is natural for us to feel anger and sorrow and shock and be miserable at times. It's such a huge thing that is taking place. You do need space sometimes. Find ways to recharge your batteries. I took the dog out twice a day and talked to her / myself and often cried alone. The grief needs to come out! Treat yourself to special little things every day. Care for yourself too. Are you getting any practical help?

You sound like you are doing a marvelous job. Well done. xxx


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Áine said:
And I find I have a pretty grim sense of humour that offends some people, but gets me by and has probably saved his skin several times too ;)
:rolleyes: I think that comes free, with membership of Talking Point! (if you didn't already have it before you came here)


Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
Aine & Lynne

'Gallows humour' the only way to survive working in a Jobcentre(I did for several years):eek: also helps us fight the demon dementia....... as granny used to say'if you don't laugh, you cry'... we do enough of that anyway, so here's to 'black humour' if it keeps us sane for one more day.;)
Take care both