This is hell...!

[Mameeskye]

Hi Kate

Hang on in there. You are doing a sterling job particularly if you don't feel good.

If your Dad is feeling bad about accepting help maybe don't force the issue for a few days (and give yourself a bit of breathing space to get well). A few days may give him a bit if space to get used to the help on offer idea. (Unless of course that you feel that the situation is critical and he will crack unless it is put in place soon)

Sometimes the cracking part is needed to make our nearest and dearest admit that they need help, support and assessment. It is unfortunate but true that it will not be looked for or wanted until they hit the wall and all we want to do is stop them hitting the wall as they drive towards it at breakneck speed. But take care of yourself too.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Thinking of you

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Skye]

I do feel that he's taking a bit of a backward step if I'm honest but I guess that's to be expected sometimes. I'm going to be very selfish and have a bit of a whinge and say that I'm a bit sick of flogging my guts out day after day to get him help only for him to keep changing his mind when we find it. It's exhausting (as I'm sure you all know) battling for help to only get no end result anyway. Sorry I'm waffling a bit now.

I don't understand why he complains so much about how he needs help but then won't take it when it's offered?

dear Kate, you're not having a whinge, you're just telling it like it is.

Let's face it, your dad has done this to you over and over again. My guess is that he knows he needs help, but would rather have it from you than from anyone else (and who can blame him?)

Maybe he feels it would be admitting he can't cope if he has outside help, whereas you're just family!

You've done well to get him to at least have an assessment for your mum. Too bad he didn't have one for himself, but if he said he didn't want any help, they probably decided it wasn't worth bothering.

Stay tough, Kate. You've got to make him realise that you've too much to cope with without this. A strategic bout of flu, or even norovirus might be a good idea. After all, you wouldn't want to infect them, would you?

Lots of love and sympathy,

 

[Nell]

Sometimes the cracking part is needed to make our nearest and dearest admit that they need help, support and assessment. It is unfortunate but true that it will not be looked for or wanted until they hit the wall and all we want to do is stop them hitting the wall as they drive towards it at breakneck speed. But take care of yourself too.
Mameeskye

Dear Kate,

In her usual wonderful way, Mameeskye has "hit the nail on the head"! Especially as you are obviously not well yourself (re: painkillers), I think you must just allow nature to take its course - at least until YOU feel better.

As for the legal stuff, it is unlikely to be at critical point if left for a few days - or perhaps your sister could do this bit?

I've found with Mum that she "hangs on" to me by finding all sorts of things she needs done, needs sorted, needs found, needs followed up - you get the picture! I've realised that this is usually just to make sure I'm coming back. I've tried to reassure her that I'll ALWAYS be there for her, but she seems to need to ensure this by creating "reasons" for me to stick around.

In your case, it is different. It is your Dad (the Carer) who is needing the suport. I know you are glad to give this to him, but perhaps he too, tries to ensure you will "stick around" by asking for help, etc. even tho' (when it comes to the crunch) he can't seem to take it. . . . ?? Just a thought . . . .??

Whatever the circumstances, I think you must let yourself take time to recover. None of us can cope when we are not well - and to get better you need to take some time for yourself. Please give yourself permission to have a few days (weeks??) off!

 

[christine_batch]

Dear Kate,
You have done all that you can and if your Dad is refusing help, there is only so much that you can do, other than concerntrate on getting better.
Alzheimer's Society do have a Legal Dept., and they are very helpful.
Just for once think of yourself and get better soon.
Best wishes
Christine

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Kate.

Your father depends on you for help, first because it`s you and you are familiar, and second you are flexible, and you come when he calls.

If your father were to accept outside help, first the help will be from strangers, and second he will think it`s a fixed arrangement and if he [or your mother] doesn`t like it, he won`t be able to stop it in case it jeopardises his chances at a later date.

So agreeing to outside help is a commitment, and your father may be worried he won`t like the carers who come, they might take over his home, might make him feel inadequate, or any other reason he might come up with to resist help.

If he feels like this, I understand, as they are thoughts that have dissuaded me from approaching any care agencies just yet. I feel it`s too early for Dhiren to accept anyone from outside, and if we mess them about, we might blow our chances for the future. I have an unpredictable husband, your father has an unpredictable wife.

But I am able to manage quite well and am not putting undue pressure on my son. Your father is being unfair to you. He should not be asking for so much help, you have enough on your plate as it is.

I really do think you should be straight with him. tell him it is making you ill and as much as you would like to help, there are only 24 hours in the day and you have other responsibilities.

And look after yourself, be unavailable, at least until you feel better.

Love xx

 

[Christinec]

Dear Kate,
I was trying to think about how to say to you that you need to take care as your father might be reacting the way mine did. I spent so much energy over 3 or 4 years time trying to get him all the help he needed to look after Mum. Often in the end he denied that he had a problem/ refused help or cancelled it but somehow expected me to deal with everything each time he had a crisis and could not cope with looking after Mum. In retrospect he has made it clear what he expected was for me to take on 24/7 care of both parents and that was his solution. Never had a good relationship with either parent and relationship with him is much worse after 2007. I do feel sorry for him but I also think that after the last few years and the way things have gone I am lucky that my husband and own children have weathered this situation and stayed around. The strain for us all has been enormous. Nothing I ever tried to do was right because I was not prepared to do what he expected. I was lucky to receive some counselling in November which has really helped me.

However I may be completely misreading your situation and every person and family is differant.Also I really do not know what I would advise to stop someone else having the same problems. Mum is now in care home which was I think inevitable.

All I would say is be realistic about what you can do given your other committments and situations and your ability/desire to take over caring. Your father has a right as next of kin to make decisions but then like all of us also has to live with them without expecting other people to always take over if they back fire.

I work and always have worked full time and will need to continue for quite a few more years to support my children through University. Thank goodness my work has allowed me at least some time to deal with some of this.

I think Sylvia has said what I wanted to say to you in a better way and I probably would not even have posted if she had not because basically I still feel so bad about it. Guilt - I am not the dutiful daughter prepared to give up her life for as long as it takes.

Best wishes - take care and try to look after yourself or you cannot help anyone.

 

[Nell]

All I would say is be realistic about what you can do given your other committments and situations and your ability/desire to take over caring. Your father has a right as next of kin to make decisions but then like all of us also has to live with them without expecting other people to always take over if they back fire.

Well said, Christine!

 

[Kate P]

Thanks for all the advice and support everyone - Christine, you hit the nail on the head - it's exactly what's going on in our family and I also have the "bad daughter" guilt!

As it turns out I have been extremely ill over the last week and I have had to leave dad to get on with things.

I think it's the only thing left to do - he's not ready for help and until he is I'm prepared to be a sympathetic ear but have no intention of trying to find solutions for him.

As Sylvia said there's no point hounding the SW and CPN at this stage because they may be more reluctant to help later on when dad does think he's ready (should that day ever come).

I think sometimes I try so hard to find him help because of my own guilt that I'm not being the "dutiful daughter" who willingly gives up her own life and family to provide help whenever he wants it.

Hey ho... I think guilt is the one big factor that links everyone on here...

 

[Mameeskye]

Kate

Ditch the guilt. ALthough I didn't have a lot of good things to say about the health visitor I had when the boys were babies, the one good thing she did was help me deal with the guilt I was feeling about putting my Mum second at the time and not dealing with erh in the depressive state that she was in.

You have to first and foremost prioritise your dependent children. They are the future for you and your parents. Thre is no quibble about that. They, and you therefore as the most important person in your child's life, have to consider yourselves first. You are doing the best possible job by being there for your child.

You cannot possibly deal with all things that come your way so concentrate on your child. If you have time left over then use what you can to help without compromising your child.

Then, when you achieve that, you can ditch the guilt! You may wish there were more hours in the day to be able to visit, help etc. but you do stop feeling as guilty about it.

((((hugs)))

Love

Mameeskye

 

[Christinec]

Hi,
Mameesky- Well said. There are only so many hours in the day.

Nell- Thanks for your comments on my post. It made me want to cry - in a good way. I have been quite depressed and feeling a bit isolated over the last year starting to feel a little better now.

kate - I did not realise you had a young child. My youngest was about 10 when Mum started to behave oddly. She was quite paranoid until the medication started to work. (Actually working this out has made me realise how long she has been ill.)Also mkes me realise again how much less isolated TP has made me feel. Bringing up children is very hard work and they need and deserve your time and energy.

It is difficult to see the main carer and the person being cared for needing help but not accepting this. I know they will have their own reasons - denial, pride, privacy, services not meeting their expectations and others but it can be really upsetting to see things getting worse and worse and not being able to do much. I always seemed to get the crisis phone call on friday evenings after a long week at work and when it was really hard to find services. One of my problems was that both refused doctors even when ill but somehow thought I could deal with medical crisis(honestly this is not one of my strong points) - in retrospect I should have over ruled them and gone behind their backs sooner and more often. Hopefully your Dad will, as I am sure many sensible main carers do, accept the need for help before the situation gets too bad. Sylvia talks about this in her post and it is lovely that she is still able to consider her son as well, given her own situation. Well done Sylvia.

Kate - I hope you are over the worst of your illness.

Take care and thanks to all of you.

 

[Margaret W]

Dear Kate P

Not doing well enough, failing, not coping, forget all those phrases, you are doing what we all do - our very, very best, in difficult circumstances that people who don't have relatives with this disease have no idea about.

Try to get the help that others have advised you one, it is all beyond me cos my mum is not yet at such a stage. Stop thinking you are doing anything wrong, you are doing it all right cost your are CARING.

Margaret