This is all very strange....

[Brasso]

I have been a regualr viewer on this site since my Mother's diagnosis six months ago but have always been reluctant to dive in. So here goes.
My Mother is driving me crazy !! OK, I've said it. Yep she is the sufferer, she is losing her memory, she is the once fit, active and independant person now regressing as the disease kills her brain cells but I don't know how to handle this.
I feel anger, frustration, despair etc etc. I have two young boys of my own who no longer enjoy their Grandmother and can see that their Father doesn't either.
My Mother has lot's to be proud of. She was born in the depression years, became a highly proficient musician, survived the horrors of WWII, raised children in difficult circumstances, lost two husbands to cancer (first my father at 14yrs old) and now is losing her most valued faculties. Her son doesn't understand and fails her in giving the support that she needs. Her and my Father gave me everything as I grew up but I find it so hard to adequately reciprocate.
She is fortunate in that through the badgering of her GP by myself and my sister, she was prescribed Arocet (is that how you spell it ?) in January. It's hard to say that she is improving but she isn't getting worse. For this we are all thankful. She is still able to look afer herself in her home carrying out all daily routines without risk. Fortunately I live less than 10mins drive from her and can make sure she is ok. Our hope is that this situation stays stable for as long as possible - a home would surely kill her and we won't let that happen.
I am concious that the disease (I assume) seems to have emphasised the more negative aspects of my Mother's personality - a tendancy to focus on the negative. It is this that we (me) find so hard. We rarely meet now without a disagreement on something, which casts a shadow over the time we have left. how can this change now .....

 

[Margarita]

Hi welcome,

Time, over time , you build a new relationship with your mother ,you realize that anger is a waste of energy, as its pointless having an argument with a love one who has AD ,because its pointless there no reasoning with them , No matter how hard you believe it is , you do end up getting frustrated , I nearly slip back in to arguing with my mum this morning ,but stop myself & had a moan on hear
I find music & swimming help me.

Only today I said to mum she so negative, think positive, she listen for a while, but went back into it .

The despair has gone from me, because I know I can not control what is happening to mum

The shadow can be broken down only by you, by giving your mum a hug & admitting defeat to her, for you its not, like when I said I am not going on holiday, but I am. Only going to tell her the in the last moment.

Some one said on TP about putting up bounders

 

[jeannette]

Long since driven crazy!

Hello Brasso.
I have so much sympathy for you, and great understanding. We might want so badly to react in a "good" way - but sometimes these days, I can't even manage a hug, or at least not what I'd call a real, FELT, hug, as I used to.
By the way, since I began these few words, my mother has phoned three times, and the last time I shouted at her, and now the phone's off the hook. (She has a nice carer living in, and don't worry, I'll put the phone back on again in a while, but it's my only defence.)
The negativity and darkness is so hard to be around, isn't it? And I don't know about your mum, but often the sheer rudeness and endless complaining. And if she's feeling a bit happier or perhaps a bit grateful (pretty rare event now) for something nice done for her, it's still usually at someone else's expense. And we know they can't help it, but as you said, the less nice aspects of characters seem to rise above the rest, which makes it less easy to believe they can't entirely help it.
At least I do recognize now that there are - no matter whether I'm right or wrong - limits to what I am able to do for her, limits to what I can stand.
And Margarita, I'm going on holiday too - next week - yippee!!! - but I also will wait till two days before, or less, to tell her. Not looking forward to that one little bit, I can assure you, dreading it, in fact. But we are still going, and I can't wait! Everything's been so lousy lately, not just the AD. Perhaps they could start writing us prescriptions for holidays? Nice, nice thought...
Sorry for talking rubbish again.
Jeannette

 

[Margarita]

Jeannette No not rubbish & hope when you tell mum next week you post on hear & let us (me) know how it went ,as I'm still going and like you

Not looking forward to that one little bit,

telling mum .....

 

[Kayla]

Strange-How to cope

You could look into Day Centre Care for your mother, as an inbetween stage before needing a Care Home. Age Concern run a lot, but they do tend to have long waiting lists. There might be other organisations too, perhaps the GP or Social Services would put you in touch.
As Margarita says, it's a waste of time getting angry. The sufferer doesn't understand why they are forgetful and they naturally would like to blame some one else. A carer or home help might also be useful, so at least you know that your mother has company and somebody keeping an eye on her.
TP offers a lot of support and ideas too.
Kayla

 

[jeannette]

re holiday!

Margarita, if I'm not gibbering too much, I'll post the news on how it went. It won't be good - it was never good when I went away long, long before AD, but you never know.

 

[jude1950]

hi Brasso.
Your post echoed the things that are happening to me my partner has recently been diagnosed and it is his first week on drugs.. thank goodness he "Qualifies" I am hoping for some improvement in his moods. I am fast realising that there is no point in arguing and try to switch off from his beligerant side. I don't notice too much when he is being nasty and the mood soon passes. However if \I am tired I do sometimes snap back and instantly regret it as it only fuels his anger. I do find that my family get more upset at what he says to me and I try to tell them that if they rise above the nastiness it soon subsides. Like you I read the messages on this site and find them very useful, from what I read this is a long journey you and I are starting and the road ahead is not easy. thinking of you and sending hugs...

 

[Margarita]

Talking about mum & holidays, mum my was like that’s have been wondering & this is going back 13 years, did mum has early onset of AD, because she wanted to come with My children, my friend & her children & I to points holiday camp I gave in, she would not leave my side all the time & me & my friend would hide & run to the café shop hiding from mum.

At dinner time we would all be sitting around a table & mum would drink anyone drink that was near hear including her own ,that happen to be my friends youngest daughter who got upset ,so told my to stop it, Mum got up bang the table saying she was the boss ,& storms of , she also use to eat with her hands I found this very embarrassing ,also another time empting all the contents of her hand bag on the floor in front of taxi drive . So now finding TP I am wondering was this the early start of AD, as I did not no what AD was in those days, could it have taken 13 year going unnoticed ? she was very forget full during that time & fall one day & cut her wrist that need 13 stitches, & did not tell me I found out from a friend that mum was in hospital, dad had a heart attack during that time & then he had 2 stroke so he never even told me, & he did not even visit mum , dad would not take his blood pursuer tablets would not listen to the doctor ,even when doctor came to the house he would not let him in , he could have had dementia undiagnosed.

He had a massive heart attack in front of mum & died & them mum was so confused then diagnosed with AD a year later.
It’s so unfair if only I had know more about AD, but hell that’s life

 

[Kathleen]

Hello Brasso

My Mum, now 74 years of age, has had AD for at least the last 5 or 6 years, it is a long hard journey, but you will survive it.

I found agreeing with what Mum said was usually the best way to deal with her, arguing never worked all it achieved was a tearful or angry Mum and me feeling awful for upsetting her. This phase soon passed, she grew more and more dependant on dad, became calmer and more laid back than she ever was before AD got her.

My sister and I look out for her, my brother, like so many other brothers it seems, chooses not to bother.........his loss. Our husbands and children are supportive, some of the grandchildren find it too upsetting to visit her now and want to remember her in happier days, that is fine, I totally understand that, so would Mum, her own father had AD and she found it very difficult to see him like that.

We had to admit her to residential care almost two years ago following my dad's sudden death, something we always vowed would never happen, but it has turned out to be the best thing for her and us.

She is very well looked after and is safe, warm and almost always happy 24/7. Try to take everything one step at a time, your relationship with your Mum will change little by little, but she is and always will be your Mum.

Take care

Kathleen

 

[rummy]

Hi Brasso,
I so understand your situation, mine mirrors yours but my Mom is in advanced AD now. She also lost a husband to cancer ( my Dad when I was 16) and was a musician/vocalist, lived in a tent during the depression and was my role model all my life. She isn't that person anymore. The neurologist told us that she is basically happy, it is the family that is suffering. Well, sometimes I don't agree as I see her distressed and anxious. I think we are actually entering more of an acceptance phase and she is starting to really suffer from this illness with her confusion, incontinance, aches, pains...etc etc etc.
We just have to persevere. Read all you can on the subject, lean on your TP friends and don't feel bad for feeling bad!! We all do, and we all have our ups and downs.
Take care,
Debbie

 

[Tender Face]

I found agreeing with what Mum said was usually the best way to deal with her, arguing never worked all it achieved was a tearful or angry Mum and me feeling awful for upsetting her.

Hi Brasso - just had to quote what Kathleen said there - I'm starting to feel like one of those nodding dogs in the back of car (do they still make them?) ... truth sometimes I get so sick of the repetition from her I'm probably going to get caught out in one her lucid moments and she'll think I'm really agreeing to what she's saying....

In terms of 'negativity' I am becoming alarmingly aware that mum is becoming increasingly racist and homophobic.... (74, and brought up in the 30s by her single parent mum (dad 'deserted') and her maternal grandma, then to WWII evacuee foster parents with similar values). It's like the underlying 'doctrines' from her childhood carers are resurfacing.... and managing her behaviour and comments when we are 'out and about' a big effort and embarrassment..... sorry, digressing....

What I try to do is to play my own 'mind games' - so before I visit (and especially when I have 'son in tow') think of what is ahead and how I'm going to cope with it... if it's calling to make lunch, generally 'tidy round' I know I have maybe 2 hours ... so I decide to have the 'what will be the theme today?' mind game before I even set out (She usually has a bee in her bonnet about something), 'How many times will she mention Mrs S' today?' - 'What will be the most repeated phrase today?' - 'What object willl she have 'lost'? - or 'Where's the unlikeliest place she could have hidden it?' - pathetic, they may sound, 'cruel' even - it's not laughing at her - just trying to find SOME - any - 'fun' to help me and mine cope with what is a tragic situation......

I've realise this is not going to get better - and the 'fun' clearly will get harder and harder to find ... I guess 'coping mechanisms' will be suitably adjusted in due course.... but for now.......

Love, Karen

 

[Brasso]

Many thanks all...very comforting. It's easy to think that you are the only one !
My Mother's situation is not yet severe - thankfully - but it's still a challenge for her and the family.
Thanks once again.....I'll be back !

Dave