this hurts so much !

sue k

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
warrington cheshire
im just back from visiting my dad at his nursing home , as usual i look in each lounge looking for him, and there i found him huddled in a chair , dinner down his top and a blank vacant expression. Usually when i walk up to him theres a look of recognition on his face , and a cheery "hi love"

Not today, he didnt turn to me , seemed to have no recollection as to who i was and when i held his hand , he moved his away
i swallowed hard , telling myself to keep myself together for the sake of my dad , but inside i felt like my heart was being ripped in two.

Each time i visit i see a little less of dad, hes slipping away from me and i cant stop it .
I had a chat with the nurse in charge, yes dads dementia has worsened, she said , hes now immobile , and has forgotten how to feed himself although he will it when fed !

I feel so helpless, so sad, so damm angry with everyone and everything, why is this happenning ,
life's so cruel at times

sorry for my rant , but i just felt i needed to let it go ........... and the tears are falling yet again !


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Dear Sue, rant away! I know how distressing it is to see our loved ones declining like that.

I could be that the next time you visit he'll be a bit better, even if it's just for a few moments. Those moments are what we all live for, store them up for when times are bad.

I do hope you get more precious moments.

Love and hugs,


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Dear Sue, know how hard this is for you.

Yes unfortunately dad is going to deteriate, that is the nature of the illness.
I agree that it hurts when they do not respond how you expect, or would like them to.

Am in this situation all the time with dear Lionel. Wise words, from Brucie I think, which have helped me..........

When you visit try to have no expectations, then you cannot be disappointed.

There will be 'good visits and bad', along the lines of "good days and bad days"
when they were still at home.

Take care sweetheart, I know it's not easy, but you will get through. Love 'nhugs


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
I feel so helpless, so sad, so damm angry with everyone and everything
I remember those feeling when my husband was about to be diagnosied - although I knew what it was way before they confirmed it.

I was very very angry!! Time seems to sort it out a little - not that the illness gets any better but somehow the day to day handling seems to settle down.

I am so sorry that you have found your Dad in this state - it is heartbreaking. The only comfort I can offer is that many of us are going through similar experiences.

I do hope that another day, another visit will be better.

Take care Beckyjan


Registered User
Feb 28, 2005
west mids
Dear Sue,
I can only echo what everyone else has said.

For some months my mum hasnt known who I am (she mostly thinks Im her dead sister Olive), and at times she talked about me horribly to Olive , telling her that I dont care and never visit!
Mum has deteriorated rapidly over the last 6 months and theres very little left of the woman that she once was.

Im just back from visiting mum at the home and I feel happy.For 2 hours I had my mum back, we looked at old photos, we chatted, she knew who I was , but at 5pm it was like somebody turned off a switch and she was gone again.
No matter, those couple of hours where I know she felt the love of her family, and was at peace mean everything to me.

As Skye says, store these rare moments cos they make all the bad ones worthwhile.

Love Ally x

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear Sue,

I understand how painful it will have been for you to see such a deterioration in your dad. I remember the first time I saw my mother wearing a plastic apron, as a bib, at mealtimes, staring into space and spilling all her food.

But your dad went into the care home because it was the only answer, and that was because his condition had deteriorated to the stage where he needed additional care.

And I`m afraid you are going to see more of this deterioration, as we all are, and it will never stop hurting.

Keep strong Sue. Hopefully your dad is unaware of his deterioration.

Love xx

sue k

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
warrington cheshire
Thanks everyone for your kind and wise words, i do treasure the good visits , they will remain with me always, as for the bad , well i just have to deal with those the best i can ,
Tp helps , so thank you all


Registered User
Aug 11, 2007
Hi Sue

My advice is also to not have any expectations when you visit.

It's hard I know. I Don't think my dad knows who I am anymore sometimes, like yesterday when I visited he didn't want me anywhere near him but next time (or the time after that!) I know he will be all lovely and huggy again. It's hard to deal with but my advice is to savour the good visits and not feel guilty about the bad ones.

Take care xxxx


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Well my tuppence worth, is not to look at it in terms of a good visit or a bad visit - but a good moment - because a smile will come to mean everything, a glimmer of....not even recognition.... just a glimmer of something will be a blessing; a mouthful swallowed will seem like a full meal eaten.

Sue you have every right to feel angry, and sad - experience those feelings, embrace them, and then visit dad again ready to cherish what you still have.

Love Helen


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
Sue you have every right to feel angry, and sad - experience those feelings, embrace them, and then visit dad again ready to cherish what you still have.
what good advice how lovely put . I do feel for you sue , try to be strong like Sylvia says

Keep strong


Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
Birmingham Hades
Hi Sue
just read your post.
It does hurt,I will never forget the first time my Peg said to me "Who are you"like a knife in the heart.
On other occasions she would tell me that as long as she had me she didn't care.
Sometimes if I had been out she would hold out her arms to me and give me a llovely smile.
We can only seize the good times and be grateful.

sue k

Registered User
Jun 26, 2007
warrington cheshire
Again thanks for all your comments and advice, i think for me the hurting stems from the fact theres absolutely nothing i can do to help dad , just have to stand back and watch this awful illnes "devour " him .

Ok.......... deep breaths , packet of tissues at the ready lets hopw this weeks visit is less upsetting



Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Sue you are not powerless. No you cannot stop the dementia, but as I see it the dementia only wins when it makes us feel useless, and when it destroys the relationship.
Yes your dad is changing, his mental abilities are becoming less, he may not know you, but you still know him. You dont stand back and watch him be devoured - you get in there and help him live to the full the time that he has. It will not be the relationship that you had hoped for or expected, but he is still your dad - you know and love him. We all wish that things were different - but they are not - dont let the dementia win. Put the tissues away - go in there ready to do battle with the dementia - it is not going to stop you loving your dad, you can still enjoy your time with the man who nurtured you.

Love Helen

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