Think my family are suffering

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by elwoodlpool, Nov 16, 2006.

  1. Hi all as you know mum is ill now and been taken into care. Since this has happened i seem to be falling apart. I can't sleep properly and my appitite has gone completly. Im trying to battle on as they say but it just wont get easier. Off to see mum next week but im dreading it as one visit already has made me go into myself and now im concerned the way i am is effecting my partner and my kids. I just dont seem to be able to cope. And to be frank all i have to cope with now is how much time she has left almost like waiting for her to die and its horrible.

  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Mark, Have you been to the doctor about yourself yet? I think I recall you are on anti-depressants, correct me if I`m wrong, but I really think you need medical help to enable you to cope with the trauma in your life.
    Please, please go to see your GP ASAP.
  3. I can't go to my Gp again im worried what they might say. i am on anti-depressants (fluxotine) and now as the song goes the drugs don't work i just seem to be spiraling down and down. I suppose that is what happens when your a self confessed mummys boy. Mum used to have all the answers and always made me feel better we had a really strong bond and now she's ill my problems get on top of me really bad these days. The effects its having on my sister is terrible too she cant even face going in to see mum. I wish my sister would join the forum as ive found some comfort in this. I would love to talk to someone who has had someone at the final stages of the disease. So i can prepare for whats to come


  4. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006
    Mark, please go to your GP. Worried about what he/she might say? Whats the worst thing they could say - the drugs aren't working? Medical science can't help you? Write down on a piece of paper what you most fear they might tell you, and LOOK at it. If you think it's a real fear, come back here and tell us.

    One of the destrutive things about dementia is you grieve for the person BEFORE they have died, and then have to grieve all over again when they do die. This is normal. In fact, if you look through the posts on these boards, I doubt you will find more than a handful of people that don't feel that way. This grief doesn't mean you are going crazy - it's a natural response to loss.


  5. I don't know were to start really ive been grieving about my mum for quite some time now and on top of that i have financial worries. I have twin daughters 17month old and a little girl of 5. Im worrying like crazy that i have nothing for them yet. And its all a mess just cant think straight at the moment what ever i do to relieve the stress it dont work.I had to go upstairs yesterday when everyone was down stairs and look at this special photo i have of my mum and i just cried my eyes out. I seem to cry almost everyday these days.

  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    SW Scotland
    Mark, have you contacted Samaritans? You don't have to be suicidal, you can talk to them about any problems, either over the phone or in person.

    I'm not trying to get rid of you, TP will help you sort out your feelings about your mum, but you really need to talk to someone.

    Go back to your GP too. He'll understand how you're feeling.

    What I'm trying to say is that you don't have to rely on just one source of help, all three will help in their own way.

    Good luck,
  7. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    hi elwoodpool

    my dad is going through the same things you are and he is also on antidepressants, they have just gave him a higher dose to get him through this bad patch, my doctor got me an appointment with the practices CPN just to have a chat, you'd be suprised what a good chat with someone not directly involved will do for you.
    dont give up go back to your GP im sure theres help there for you
    take care x
  8. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Mark

    THAT tells me you have EVERYTHING to give .... there's no 'yet' - you already have the most important 'asset' ..... you are considering other people's feelings at the expense of your own needs ... absolutely nothing wrong with crying your eyes out, absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help .... absolutely nothing wrong with recognising grief - in fact it's applaudable. Look at how you're even looking out for your sister......

    Mark, you've had great advice here - please take it .... and money problems ... they can weigh heavy - but there are sources of support for that too...

    I love that song you mentioned .... but my guess is it would be doing you no good to listen to it repeatedly... I have my own 'music therapy' - and sometimes the 'ballads' are the last thing I need .... (although I agree they help get all the tears out) .... and put something more 'uplifting' on... can you do that? Care to share what music you like?

    The world needs people, like you, who care. Please, please care for yourself, too.

    Love, Karen, x
  9. mw52

    mw52 Registered User

    Aug 25, 2006
    I'm falling apart too

    Hi - I am with you on this one! I have struggled to cope with everything - mum, dad and my family. I've only taken a couple of days off work when mum first started to go downhill and we spent time in A & E - but things have finally got to me. The last straw was when I accidentally put my mobile phone in the washing machine with the bedding!!!! So I spent most of yesterday sobbing - my eyes ache, my head aches and I just feel so awful. I have got an appointment laster this morning at the GPs so will see what she has to say.
    It's so awful what this horrible disease does to everybody
  10. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya MW52,
    Do let us know how you get on today. You can stay strong for so long then the cracks start to show, and sometimes the dam just bursts. It can be replaced though - and carrying on the analogy, if it has sluice gates, you can make sure that it doesn't burst again in the future!!
    Hope you are feeling a little better now. And by the way, we just picked up a good bargain on E Bay for a mobile phone.
    Love Helen
  11. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    Hope you have managed to see GP - sorry about the mobile phone, but we can all do it - I put my husband's hearing aid thro the machine!!!! (not for the first time).

    I agree with you, it is dreadful what this horrible disease can do - but DONT LET IT BEAT YOU - we are all in it together here so you are not alone.

    Good luck with Dr. hope you find some help.

    Best wishes Beckyjan
  12. Nell

    Nell Registered User

    Aug 9, 2005
    After twenty years or more as a diagnosed "depressive" I feel I can say that you both sound as if you need higher doses of anti-depressant medication. Sometimes the medication becomes ineffective and sometimes life stresses (and AZ is a whopper!) can cause the depression to deepen and the need for a higher dose to cope.

    I know only too well that feeling that you "can't" do anything. It takes enormous effort sometimes to breathe, or roll over in bed. It is almost impossible to ACT. But please, please do so. If the depression continues as it is, neither of you will be any good to anyone - yourselves included - and you obviousy have people in your lives who love you and need you.

    If you can't find the strength to act for yourselves (as in see your GP or psych. and get help), then please do it for those you love.

    With true fellow feeling for you both, Nell
  13. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Mark
    i hit the proverbial "brick wall "about a month ago.....I had managed to quit anti depressants gradually,finally coming off them about 3 months ago......felt so pleased .........but the pressures of looking after mum,my family ,and a sequence of events suddenly hit me with drastic results for me. I know how you're get to a point where you feel as if your head is bursting with panic! I hope your GP ups the dose of anti depressants.....if only temporarily...For me 2 weeks of diazepam while the paroxetine kick in again seems to be doing the trick and I'm getting there.....
    I really hope you start to recover.....remember theres a lot of help out there if you want to talk......I didn't and that was my downfall.....but I'm learning!'ve coped before and you will cope again.....but please get help......
    love xx
  14. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hiya Mark

    You know the saying, 'one man's meat'. Well, I'm on my fifth different anti depressant, and this one IS working. I fell apart last May, and it's been a very long haul, I am also seeing a Psychologist every week for an hour, ever so slowly it's coming together. It became so bad for me that I would have a full blown panic attack if I tried to go out on my own, its still not great, but I'm getting there.

    What I'm trying to say to you is that, with the right kind of professioal help, prescribing a medication that is the right one for you, and talking to a professional will help you. I still shed buckets of tears after I've seen mum in the NH, the guilt monster still pops up on my shoulder when I least expect it, and most of all I miss my mum/best friend as she used to be, but I am coming to terms that these emotions are all normal.

    Your GP is not there to pass judgement, and no medals are handed out for coping on your own. You sound a very sensible, caring person, so please do the sensible thing, go back to your GP, tell him/her how you are honestly feeling, and get the help you deserve for yourself, and your loved ones.
    Take care
  15. Feel a let down

    Hi all im gonna go and see my gp tomorrow. After Friday night i really put myself throught the Mill crying my eyes out listening to mums favorite song. I found myself doing something i did as a teenager and i hate to admit it but i used to self harm, and now ive done it again my partner is worried about me too. i feel pathetic its like everyday more of me falls apart i realise i need to talk to a proffesional but i dont know were to start i can just walk into my gp and say i need to talk to a Psychiatrist. Im falling to bits since mum has been like this. Im off to see here on Wednesday and im really worried im not gonna be strong enough.

  16. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Mark

    good luck with your GP tomorrow. Don't hold anything back - tell the GP exactly how you feel and what is happening to you.

    Ask the GP to refer you to someone with specialist knowledge - GPs don't have that - and tell them it is very urgent.

    Best wishes
  17. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Hiya Mark,
    Your GP will be well used to people walking in and just 'opening up'. Why don't you get your partner to sit down with you and make a list of all those things that you both feel that your GP needs to know about. Tell your GP everything, and say that you need help NOW.
    Let us know how it goes.
    Love Helen
  18. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi Mark
    if you find it difficult to open up to your Gp....spend a bit of time this evening by writing it all down and handing it to the doctor......thats what i do......I'm the worlds worst when facing a GP to say "well I'm ok really"!!
    love and good luck xx
  19. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Hi hows that for great minds thinking alike......!!!! helen and I posted at exactly the same time!!!!
  20. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dear Mark & MW52

    Just wanted you to know that you are being thought of and 'willed' to access the support you need ....

    Only my experience, but I know I have sat in a consultation room with words of encouragement from TPers ringing in my ears...... and I hope you can both experience that support …..

    In terms of 'I don't know where to start'... well... that's been a great 'opener' for me at times (usually followed by bursting into tears) however much preparation I've done - and notes I've made have been crumpled even during the anxious wait for the consultation…. and only serves to show how things REALLY are……(and why SHOULD the appointment give us even more anxiety??)

    (Cate, as an aside may I thank you for your wisdom: ‘Your GP is not there to pass judgement, and no medals are handed out for coping on your own.’ How I wish someone had said that to me 10 months or so ago….)

    Thinking of you, and well done for taking that step towards gaining the support for you need for yourselves……

    Love, Karen, (TF), x

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