Think I've found the right care home .... fingers crossed

[SnowWhite]

Have now visited 10 homes and think I may have cracked it. Have put Mums name down for a place as there is a waiting list, like all the others.

It has been such hard work but this home is a nursing home (which will please Mum as she feels she is being neglected where she is and they don't show any concern when she has a fall). It is a late Victorian building, quite higgledy piggledy but the staff were lovely and they didn't hurry me and they answered all my questions. I was left alone to speak to residents who all said they were happy and they do get to go out and the meals are lovely and they do get a choice, unlike where she is now. Some of the rooms were small but I have requested a medium or large room for Mum.

No glossy brochures, no freebies but a warm welcome and a nice happy atmosphere.

They gave me a Statement of Purpose & Brochure which looks as though it's produced there but it is packed with information about staff, rooms, nursing care, how to complain and covers everything. It is the most comprehensive info I've had from any of the homes. There is even a section on benefits, allowances and Funded Nursing Care Allowance and NHS Continuing Care.

It is further away than her present one but it's in a seaside town so I can wheel her out for a walk whereas where she is now is a remote village and there's nowhere to wander to.

Obviously it's more expensive than where she is now as it's "nursing" but if it means Mum is happy and feels safe and respected then it will be worth it. Where she is now she has had several falls and they never ring me or seem to worry and Mum recognises this.

One day she collapsed at mine, her legs just gave way. I rang ahead to tell the home we were on our way back and she would need help getting out of my car and I couldn't believe how rough and uncaring they were with her. They just hauled her out of my car and started telling her to start walking. I insisted they got her a wheelchair and when we got back to her room there were no kindly words, no checking her over, no asking her how she was, they just literally plonked her in her chair and left her!

I will take Mum to have a look and to be assessed but it seems to me like the kind of place she would like. It felt so much more relaxed than where she is now because that is totally regimental. There were several ladies who I would say were similar age to Mum and liked a chat and she would just love that. Please all keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

[marionq]

That sounds like a good choice to me. Well done you for trying to do the righ thing.

Good wishes.

 

[father ted]

Your hard work has paid off and it sounds like you have found somewhere the staff make a full investment in their work and not just turn up and then leave.

I hope you don't have to wait too long for a place to come free.

 

[Amy in the US]

SnowWhite, that is such good news! I'm glad all your hard work has paid off.

I especially like that you reported the staff didn't rush you, answered all your questions, and that they provided you with good information. I think that a lack of glossy brochures and fancy amenities is fine, so long as the staff are kind and caring. It sounds homey and appealing. The seaside is a bonus! I'm sorry it is farther away, and more expensive, but if it gives her better care, and you peace of mind, those may be worthwhile tradeoffs.

I know you're not happy with her current placement (and no wonder), so this sounds like a massive improvement on many levels.

Keeping all fingers and toes crossed for you!

 

[Moggymad]

Good for you hope it won't be too long before you can move your mum there.

 

[Spiff03]

Congratulations on finding somewhere that you think will suit your Mum and hopefully be a lot more caring than the place she's in now.

 

[SnowWhite]

Thank you all so much for your really kind comments. I can't tell you how rotten I've been feeling lately knowing that Mum is unhappy and not being well cared for.

Xx

 

[LadyA]

Well done, SnowWhite! Of course, the advantage of it being nursing rather than simply a Care home, is that should your mum's needs increase over time, you won't need to move her again. The place you've found sounds like my husband's nursing home, which had been at one stage a private maternity hospital run by nuns. It's an old building, early Victorian probably, but the staff were lovely, the food was excellent, and the care was excellent.

 

[SnowWhite]

Depressing day. Mum is here and not happy and I've told her that I am actively looking for a new home for her. She is absolutely thrilled and says she is going to hang a sign round her neck saying "I will soon be free."

That's the good part. Prior to that she says she's been so unhappy that she has considered jumping out of the window or taking a loads of pills. My hubby and my two adult kids and me are all very upset for her to feel like that.

Can anybody suggest what I can do? We could be months before there is a place at the home we are on the waiting list for and I don't think I can bear much more of this.

I spoke to the owner this morning before all this and, as usual everything I mentioned is Mums fault. It's Mums fault that she feels the cold (despite her room getting no sun and being quite gloomy), it's Mums fault that she can't remember names of staff, it's Mums fault that she is hungrier than everybody else etc etc. That owner is such a nasty, defensive person and shouldn't be running a care home. I know I can't believe every single word Mum says but much of it I've seen with my own eyes.

Looks like a worrying bank holiday weekend on the horizon.

 

[SnowWhite]

Oh thank you Kassy. They are paid to care for people yet they don't seem to have any idea about dementia or people's Feelings.

Did you get your mum moved?

 

[Scouts girl]

Oh Kassy those responses from the care staff are totally out of order, you must have been furious and upset. I hope you managed to move your mum to a more caring environment. We have enough emotions to come to terms with, without disrespectful comments and remarks from uncaring staff. I know it is a difficult job and I am sure they reach the end of their tether at times but it is a job role they chose to do and they must be committed to care and respect the people with dementia they are caring for.

I do hope it won't be too long before a place is available for your mum SnowWhite in the home you have chosen for her. I, too have the same conversation with my mum, that she hates being where she is, she is going to jump out of the window, and that she won't be here tomorrow when I visit. It is difficult knowing how to respond to these remarks but I have said in the past, that I would look for somewhere else for her, to try and pacify her and should probably not be telling her this as I have no intention of moving her as I am more than happy with the care she is getting where she is but it is just so hard knowing what to say isn't it. I sometimes think you say anything to try and calm the situation. It is a wonder my nose isn't about 10 feet long!!! I, too get so upset when she talks like this, but I try and remember it is the illness talking and not my mum and due to the stage mum is at now a move would just be more detrimental to her health. I can't believe that the owner of your mums care home would blame your mum for her concerns and agree he should not be running a care home with such an attitude. They should be there to support you and deal with any concerns you raise in a kind and sympathetic way. My best wishes and keep us posted of how things are going.

 

[Scouts girl]

Oh I am so sorry Kassy, what a dreadful time it must have been for you and your mum.

You were there for her and hope that her passing was peaceful for you both.

Sending you virtual hugs xxxx

 

[SnowWhite]

Oh I am sorry Kassy. I don't know what to say. Xxx

Mum is now in hospital having fallen yet again despite me voicing my concerns to the Care home about 3 falls she had earlier last week. All they say is "she's fine." They never ask her how she's feeling, they never comfort her and they never treat her bruises. THey never ring me or the GP. Mum is very poorly and will be black and blue today. I am going over this afternoon. I have told the hospital they are NOT to discharge her back into the care of that home and they are contacting social services to warn them that others could be in danger. I can't see her being discharged for several days as she can't even stand up, doesn't know when she needs a wee and is in terrible pain.

It's all a nightmare. They also think she may have a chest infection.

 

[lemonjuice]

So sorry to read this SnowWhite. Definitely stick to your guns about not returning her to that Home. However realistically, if no place is available at your chosen Home and you haven't much liked the look of others it may be that she will have to return there for a while, but not until you've put the fear into them and they start changing some of their practices.

 

[Moggymad]

Thinking of you & hoping that you poor mum will improve. What a shame this has happened. Hope there is some way a move to your preferred choice hone can now be speeded up. Keep us informed & let us know what action is taken regarding the 'prison' home.

 

[IdleWild]

Oh I am sorry Kassy. I don't know what to say. Xxx

Mum is now in hospital having fallen yet again despite me voicing my concerns to the Care home about 3 falls she had earlier last week. All they say is "she's fine." They never ask her how she's feeling, they never comfort her and they never treat her bruises. THey never ring me or the GP. Mum is very poorly and will be black and blue today. I am going over this afternoon. I have told the hospital they are NOT to discharge her back into the care of that home and they are contacting social services to warn them that others could be in danger. I can't see her being discharged for several days as she can't even stand up, doesn't know when she needs a wee and is in terrible pain.

It's all a nightmare. They also think she may have a chest infection.

It must feel just that ... a complete nightmare.

Maybe one good thing to come out of it is being able to raise the awareness of the problems you and your Mum are experiencing at the home with social services.

It must just feel like a battleground for you. I hope they can make her comfortable in hospital. Susan x

 

[doodle1]

And when you are talking about the home keep using the words 'safeguading issues' and risks to a vulnerable person. If they are saying there may be a risk to others then that is what they mean.
Contact your MP and tell them your mums situation - an MP question to hospital or care home usually works wonders. I know you are in bits about your mum but this is a time to shout as loudly as you can.sadly it is easier for everyone if we keep our mouths shut!!

 

[SnowWhite]

Thank you all for your kind comments. Mum is improving slowly and can speak now. More x rays today. Took her in her own nighties, underwear etc and she looks miles better than she did on Friday night. For a 93 year old with arthritis, a knee replacement, a stoma and other issues to fall and lay on concrete for 3 hours waiting for an ambulance she did marvellously.

I keep mentally composing what I plan to say in my letters of complaint but the real letters will have to wait until I know what's happening with Mum.

I plan to write to the CQC, the Quality Assurance people at the council and possibly my MP. Thanks again.

 

[SnowWhite]

And when you are talking about the home keep using the words 'safeguading issues' and risks to a vulnerable person. If they are saying there may be a risk to others then that is what they mean.
Contact your MP and tell them your mums situation - an MP question to hospital or care home usually works wonders. I know you are in bits about your mum but this is a time to shout as loudly as you can.sadly it is easier for everyone if we keep our mouths shut!!

DOodle - that is just what many people in that home do. Several people who have relatives in there have warned me months ago not to say too much to the staff or to complain because they turn very nasty. I know for a fact that many of them get their fees paid so I guess they are just grateful about that but Mum pays a lot to be there and deserves better.

 

[doodle1]

Sorry Snow White you misunderstood me . I was meaning when you talk about the home to people in the hospital or outside. I agree there is no point causing more upset in the home.
And your MP really should be your first port of call. Find out when his/ her surgery is when they see their constituents and go and talk to them. My best friends husband is a consultant cardiologist and medical director of a large London hospital and it was he who told me that this is the most effective way to get things moving.
Big hugs jane