things moving on..

[katherine]

My mum of 60 was diagnosed with demetia 3.5 years ago. Lately she has got a lot worse. She was getting pretty aggressive and was wandering a lot so was prescribed Abilify in a very low dose - an anti psychotic drug i think with mild sedentary effects. She's starting to become incontinent - possibly as a result of the new drug. Her friend/partner who has been caring for her a lot over the years feels he can't do it any longer - he has a dad going the same way now too, so now my brother and I are trying to sort out care so that she can stay at home. I have moved near to my mum - to herefordshire from london - but have two children under two so although i do the mounds of paperwork and obviously visit a lot and sort out stuff - i can't put the hours in - specially as two children under two and a sometimes aggressive lady don't mix too well. my brother's girlfriend lives in france and although he works for himself and has given up tonnes of time lately to try to sort things out he has to get on with his life. We've been trying to find people who can care for mum at home. But the other night on one lady's first night mum went a bit bonkers and frightened her. We now feel a bit nervous to start anyone else, although i have to say with mum, it's bark and no bite. still can be scarey. We're looking into homes now but because she's so young we worry that she'll react against it. She was one of those mums who said 'never put me in a home'. i won't be saying that to my kids now i have to say...anyway - has anyone been in a similar position? i'd like to hear from others - their experiences of this... and any ideas? does anyone know anywhere in the midlands or south west or wales which caters for people with early onset alzheimers?
thankyou
Katherine

 

[wendy43uk]

hi

your mums story is much like johns same age had alzs same amount time i got to a point just like uou not noing wich way to turn after making my self ill i have put john into a c arehome he is much happer our visits are rewarding to us both and things are ok dont get like i did seek help day care carers helps uou will know inyour self when the time is right i tharght people would be against me for putting john intro care but it was not the case get some rest bite for her soon and see how she copes good luck its a hard road

 

[Grannie G]

Hi Wendy,

It`s good to hear from you, especially to know you were able to make the right decision which has worked out well.

I remember how much you struggled and now you can have mutually rewarding visits with your husband.

Good news indeed, after so much turmoil.

Take care

 

[Nell]

Dear Katherine,
I'm one of the TPers whose family member with dementia (Mum, in my case) is in a Hostel - I think the UK equivalent is supported living . . . ??? (Anyway, it is one step up from a nursing home.)

Like many (most?) people with a loved one in a Home, I have struggled with the guilt of it, but I think it was the best and indeed only thing to do in our case.

Wendy's post is so heartening because she shows how it can be a move for the good.

Your family situation sounds like it cannot cope with your Mum at home for much longer, especialy if the aggression continues to be a problem. I'm not saying to put her in a Home; I am saying that if it becomes necessary, try not to feel too bad about it. Even though your Mum has said "don't put me in a home" I can't imagine she ever realised she would be as she is now. I think she would not want you and your brother to suffer because of her.

Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts, and that TP is a good place to find understanding and support.

 

[katherine]

thankyou for your support... i think trying respite is definitely the best idea as who knows? mum may actually love it and then all the worries are for nothing. I suppose guilt is part and parcel of all of this sometimes isn't it? but i do think sometimes that i now spend hours and hours doing stuff connected with mum each week but only spend a fraction of that time actually with her - the rest is paperwork and phone calls and meetings and worrying - what i would really like is to spend more actual time with her and less on all this stuff, so if she could settle somewhere it might be better for that reason...