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Things moved so fast!! But I know it for the best


Registered User
Aug 15, 2013
I recently join talking point, as my mum who is just 73 was diagnosed with vascular and Alzheimer's mixed in December. my dad had been caring for her at home, but things had steadily got harder and harder , as mums confusion got worse,until we reached a crisis a couple of weeks ago. Dad had rang in tears, I went to their house, and mum had been ranting for 18 hours, in my dads face. We got mum to bed, and had THE talk with dad that things were no longer manageable and maybe it was time to look into residential care, or respite care for mum. She was only sleeping two hours a night, both her and dad were emotional messes, and he was exhausted. the very next day, dad called me at 7 am, mum had collapsed, I called an ambulance, and basically the a and e department took us to one side and said mum needed placement NOW!! We agreed and within six hours she had been taken to an emergency care home for dementia. We were very unhappy with the place she was taken too, it was very scruffy and unkept, and have been extremely lucky that mums social worker was understanding, and told us to go look at some places that accepted la funding, and she would see what she could do. Within a week, We were very fortunate to find a place in what seems so far to be a nice, calm home, not too far from dads house. mum seems a lot happier, now she is free to roam around and do what she wants to dad (dad was always trying to get her to sit still, for fear of her injuring herself) and, oddly , does not ask to go home, or even talk about any of us while we are not there. She seems to just live for the moment, and its something I'm shocked my, as she was so attached to dad before.
We are all still,spinning from the speed of things!! My poor dad is lost without her at home, it's all very sad, but the only solution as there is no funding for overnight help at home with aN awake dementia sufferer!!
Feeling stressed to the hilt, but its better stress that worrying whAt is going on with them at home together!!


Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
West Midlands
Lost for words tonight. Just want you to know I have read what you have shared and feel great sympathy for your dad and you

Your mum seems to be in the right place for her. Hard as it is to accept, hopefully your dad will understand that he is still her carer, it's just in a different way.

Once you get over the "shell shocked" feeling of how quickly things have happened, don't let the guilt monster tell you that you could have done more. You couldn't. This disease has taken over and no one can fight it, despite their best intentions.

Huge hugs xxxx


Registered User
Sep 7, 2012
Oh gosh..yes, ditto what 2jays said. And be prepared for Dad catching his breath and thinking Mum can come home again.

You reached the place you didn't want to reach, Mum is settled and safe, when the going gets tough, I would try to remember what brought you to the decision.

Best wishes to all of you X
I'm sorry for the order of the events and both your parents sick, which makes it harder. How is your dad doing after these days? Maybe you are the first case I hear that your mum has settled nicely at the care home. What does the doctor say about this?

My dad has been in a care home for two weeks now and has not stopped asking he wants to go back to his house. That even though he likes the food and his personal carer, he is bored in there. We are still not allow to take him out for a ride, maybe to reduce his anxiety, but the doctor said it will be risky and he might run away from us!

Yesterday was a bittersweet day, as I saw him for the first time since two weeks. He no longer recognized me and had a conversation with me like I was just a nice lady keeping him company. :( ( first time ever!) The sweet part was seeing he is well taken care of, he is no longer drinking colas and is eating balanced meals. He even danced during the activities. We had such hard time at home with these!

We have to weigh the positive factors more than the bad ones. I keep convincing myself dad is where he is ought to be and i am able to carry on with a certain relief now. Peace of mind is definetely priceless!

Good luck


Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
Hi, Garnuft is right, watch for Dad catching his breath and thinking he can take Mum home again. I constantly get my Dad in tears saying he is heartbroken and wants Mum home, he has forgotten how he was on his knees with her and exhausted through not sleeping and trying to keep her safe. He constantly comes up with faults he finds with the care home trying to convince me that we should go back to the way we were. NO WAY, I am sorry but I was exhausted too, the worry that she was becoming violent and aggressive to him and to me, I couldnt in the end give him a break because she came close to pulling a knife on me and I wouldnt put myself in that position. Anyway watch out for the 6 week review, your Dad might just try to take the opportunity to say he wants her home, get the staff on your side if you feel its the best place for Mum to be, they will support you and even have a word to SW if they are good they will handle the situation in a firm but gentle way. We have lots of tears from my Dad, but I stand firm, continually telling him how much I love and respect him for how long he was able to care for Mum,but reminding him of how bad things got and that if Mum went home she would revert to the terrible behaviour that forced us to this decision. Make sure you give Dad lots of attention, he will feel lost and lonely right now. Take care xx