Things happening so fast

[frustrated1962]

Hi All
This is the last night my Auntie is going to spend at home, tomorrow she goes into Respite looking to be permanent. She is 94 with Vascular Dementia, lives alone and was alone through night. She's always been adamant she doesn't want to go in a home so I feel like I'm letting her down but lately she has been opening the front door in the early hours and this Sunday morning she got through to telecare/ lifeline 20 times. So they called me and I went to her house where she was sat in her chair at 3.30 am fully clothed and the door unlocked. I could've been anybody walking in there. My mum has been telling me for months to throw in the towel and now that the time has come she's a worse state than me. Auntie has a brother too who lives round the corner from her but only visited once a week for 2 hours. Mental health lady came today to our house and said a bed was available, we were shocked as our plan was for her to spend Xmas with us but MH said no the care home will only keep the bed for a day. This is going to be the worst Xmas ever for us, last thing I wanted was to be breaking the house up this time of the year. Sorry for such a long post.

 

[Vesnina]

This post is not long, it is showing a bouquet of emotions,
it is a true story helping to the readers,
I would like to hope it helped to the writer.

I am surprised every time I come to this forum with the vitality I recognize
in all these carers and these stories, and grateful for finding this forum.
Grateful that someone founded it, someone is maintaining it,
and so many people meet here and help each other.

 

[greengekho]

Sending you best wishes...

Hi - I am new to this forum - I just saw your post and registered because I wanted you to know that someone has read it and is sending you all the best wishes in the world at this difficult time. I am not in a similar position, so I cannot claim to understand, or offer any solutions. I just wanted to say how lucky your Auntie is to have someone who loves and cares for her so much. Your patience and perseverance are admirable, I am sure many would have 'given up' much sooner and deprived her of her days of independence. I'm sure there must have been times (perhaps when you're not around, or that she just hasn't verbalised), where she has cherished being at home over the years you held out for her. I'm sure there are good times/memories she wouldn't have had if you had removed her independence earlier. Well done for keeping her independence for as long as possible. Please don't feel guilty now that it's time for things to change for her. You are doing it because you love her. I sincerely wish you all the best over the coming days and weeks. Try and view New Year as a new stage and embrace the positives of the move - knowing that she will be safe and in good care. With best wishes - Steph

Hi All
This is the last night my Auntie is going to spend at home, tomorrow she goes into Respite looking to be permanent. She is 94 with Vascular Dementia, lives alone and was alone through night. She's always been adamant she doesn't want to go in a home so I feel like I'm letting her down but lately she has been opening the front door in the early hours and this Sunday morning she got through to telecare/ lifeline 20 times. So they called me and I went to her house where she was sat in her chair at 3.30 am fully clothed and the door unlocked. I could've been anybody walking in there. My mum has been telling me for months to throw in the towel and now that the time has come she's a worse state than me. Auntie has a brother too who lives round the corner from her but only visited once a week for 2 hours. Mental health lady came today to our house and said a bed was available, we were shocked as our plan was for her to spend Xmas with us but MH said no the care home will only keep the bed for a day. This is going to be the worst Xmas ever for us, last thing I wanted was to be breaking the house up this time of the year. Sorry for such a long post.

 

[Officeboy Sean]

I am sorry that the time has come when this has had to happen - but I think you have done everything you could have done, and are only doing this for her own good. Hopefully you will still be able to have her with you over Christmas - even if you are taking her back to the nursing home at night so she maintains her routine.

Although I must say that even if that home will only keep the bed open for a day at this time, the unfortunate nature of the business is that new rooms do quite regularly become available. But I feel the worry and risk you would suffer over the next 5 weeks aiming for the nice last Christmas out of the home probably is not worth it when you still could spend Christmas together - but without having spent 5 weeks worrying if she is safe

 

[frustrated1962]

Thank you for your replies and words of comfort. I don't think I would've got through today without repeatedly reading them.
Been to the Care Home this afternoon to see the room that Auntie will be in and took some clothes for tomorrow, staff seem ok. We were showed round and I suppose it is the same in them all (smells of urine)
Another concern is Auntie is quite robust and I am scared she will start losing weight etc, she has remained the same since she was diagnosed 3 years ago.
She is marvelous for her age she can still make a cuppa, still eats with a knife and fork, still knows who we are and isn't incontinent, but I hope by putting her in there things don't go downhill too quickly.

 

[Fed Up]

Please do not make assumptions not all care homes are the same and some are very good indeed. The publicity about bad ones is drawing attention to some but of the care homes that exist in the UK only a small amount are bad.
I'm not an owner of a home but my mum has been in one now for a year, she has benefited greatly from the care and attention she receives, good food and lively fun activities.She looks younger, is more talkative, has her needs looked after with compassion and kindness. So do not think what is happening is so awful it can be a positive experience. So take heart and do not judge by the odd smell the pong is our local A and E is much worse, but on the care she receives.

 

[Lottie134]

Hi.
Please don't class all care homes as the same. We had to put FIL into one around 5 months ago. The home wasn't our first choice. The one we originally chose was very nice & very quiet but they said they couldn't 'accommodate' FIL.
His SW recommended the one he was in to us & we weren't that impressed when we went to look around but staff seemed ok.
FIL passed away a week last Monday & it's his funeral tomorrow. We are very sad but feel we lost him 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with this dreadful disease.
The care he received in the CH far exceeded our expectations. It wasn't a quiet CH, but then it wouldn't be as people there had Alzheimer's & dementia. Staff were trained to look after people with this disease & they did it with patience, care & compassion.
During his last few days he was surrounded by people who knew him, cared for him & made him as comfortable as humanly possible. We can't thank them enough.
So even though this CH wasn't our first choice, it turned out to be the best choice.
Sending you hugs & lots of strength.

 

[zeeeb]

They don't automatically go down hill in a nursing home. My grandmother inlaw has been in a nursing home for over 8 years. Yes, it does smell like urine, but her health improved out of sight with proper care. Regular medication, regular showering. Her husband was looking after her to a degree for many years at their home, but the food wasn't great, they rarely showered, hygeine was poor, he didn't want to medicate her (thinking that he, as a chemist knew more about drugs and medication than the doctors). So her moods were unable to be stabilised with him refusing to medicate her.

She is 97 in December and yes, she has gone down hill, but that does happen when you've had alzheimers for close to 20 years and when you get to the age of 97. I would never have thought she'd make it this close to 100, but now, well, you never know, she might well hit the century. Not sure if thats a good or bad thing.

 

[Vesnina]

Thanks, dear Lottie134, for the encouragement!

 

[fullmoon]

It's clear from your post that you care very much for your aunt. Christmas is a difficult time for any big decisions - but I honestly feel that it's never a 'good' time to decide on placing someone (I have this situation. To face myself soon) .

Your aunt will be safe and well cared for with company. Also, most ch have a host of activities during the festive season so hopefully this will keep her occupied. Don't forget you will be able to take her out for trips whenever you can too.

I hope she settles well. Best wishes.

 

[frustrated1962]

Hi.
Please don't class all care homes as the same. We had to put FIL into one around 5 months ago. The home wasn't our first choice. The one we originally chose was very nice & very quiet but they said they couldn't 'accommodate' FIL.
His SW recommended the one he was in to us & we weren't that impressed when we went to look around but staff seemed ok.
FIL passed away a week last Monday & it's his funeral tomorrow. We are very sad but feel we lost him 2 years ago when he was diagnosed with this dreadful disease.
The care he received in the CH far exceeded our expectations. It wasn't a quiet CH, but then it wouldn't be as people there had Alzheimer's & dementia. Staff were trained to look after people with this disease & they did it with patience, care & compassion.
During his last few days he was surrounded by people who knew him, cared for him & made him as comfortable as humanly possible. We can't thank them enough.
So even though this CH wasn't our first choice, it turned out to be the best choice.
Sending you hugs & lots of strength.

So sorry for your loss.

 

[frustrated1962]

They've brought Auntie back home, said she wouldn't settle. There's a meeting today with SW I honestly don't know where we go from here.

 

[pippop1]

Too quick?

That seems v quick. Didn't she only go in two days ago? It appears that she has not been given much of a chance to settle in, surely a week or two before they even think about giving up..

Hope the meeting goes well today.

 

[Onlyme]

Normally the home tell you to not visit for a few days or even a week to allow her yo settle in. What happened that made you remove her?

 

[frustrated1962]

That seems v quick. Didn't she only go in two days ago? It appears that she has not been given much of a chance to settle in, surely a week or two before they even think about giving up..

Hope the meeting goes well today.

Yes she went in Wednesday and came back yesterday.
I know they have'nt given it a chance they said she was very distressed and had made it very clear that she didn't want to be there. They said that she was At Risk of possibly having a heart attack

 

[pippop1]

Sounds like they didn't want her and immediately couldn't cope. How did the meeting go? If a CH can't cope then how can someone at home?

 

[frustrated1962]

Normally the home tell you to not visit for a few days or even a week to allow her yo settle in. What happened that made you remove her?

We got a call from the manageress of the home saying that she was very distressed and and made it very clear that she did not want to be there. They tried having 1-1 with her but it didn't work, all she was focusing on was going home.

I stayed the night on Thursday because they said she shouldn't be left on her own.
The carer's started again on Friday morn and we usually have a sitting service for Sat/Sun from 5pm - 9pm but that doesn't start till next week so I have been with her the most of yesterday and will be again today.
My son has suffered all through this and has gone to his Grandmothers to stay.. I have let him down by putting Auntie 1st

 

[frustrated1962]

Sounds like they didn't want her and immediately couldn't cope. How did the meeting go? If a CH can't cope then how can someone at home?

Meeting went ok.
There's going to be a financial assessment tomorrow to see if she can get some more funding towards having maybe a carer stay with her through night and maybe weekends because weekends are the worst!!

 

[Lily2789]

Hi,
Sorry that your dear Aunty didn't settle. It does seem that the move happened rather quickly without the chance to prepare your Aunty. My dear Dad went into a NH at 89(didn't have AD) and was happy until he passed away in April age 90, but he finally made the decision to go which help the settling time. My MIL went into same NH 2 weeks ago with AD/MIX she to made the choice and visited the home several times before moving in, she to isn't settling that well, so we have reduced our visit which is helping, this is hard because we live very close. Perhaps now with SW and funding ? you can spend time looking for a home which is more suitable to her needs. I agree with other comments that all NH are not the same. A NH should not smell of Urine not in this day and age. We looked at one for MIL nearer to her home and when you entered the home thats all you could smell, needless to say we didn't take her to see it. You are a very special niece, good luck x