1. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    HI

    My mum and her husband are having to move away as he has to give up work to be her full time carer.
    They cant afford to live in the house they have if he doesn't work and they're not entitled to councial tax or Housing benefit because of the mortgage.

    So because of the town we live there are no properties that are suitable so they have decided to move away

    Which is fine. Im happy for them. Its great to live ned the coast if you can and if it makes mum happy then i am too.

    Every weekend since my son was born (15 years) he has spent it with them.
    They live round the corner so whenever he gets annoyed for whatever reason or just wants to chill hell run round to there, go walk the dogs, go town with them. The list is endless!

    Although my son says he understands the reason they're moving to the coast and will be fun to go on holidays, i know he is devastated.

    Obviously im worried! He is with an afterschool club so atleast he has somthing twice a week to take his mind of of things for a bit.

    Ive tried looking for a saturday job but hes not old enough.

    Any ideas how i can make it easier?
    He will go up on moving day and stay with them as he likes decorating and we are only a couple of hours away when they move.

    Last night, i got a call to ask if i could go help my step dad, and mum had a fall whilst they were out and shes shaken up, and because of the three big dogs they have he couldnt hold onto her and them so i went running up there, walked her back to mine where me an my partner took her to urgent care whilst stepdad went and put dogs back at there house.

    I said to what you gonna do when you move! I cant drive 3 hours to help anytime you fall over or go walk about if stepdad cant cope!

    SO NOW IM EVEN MORE WORRIED!
    hes only just told me it frontotempal dementia she has. Ive done some research, and i have been asking him from day 1 which type she has and he said he didnt know. When i said is it frontotempal he said yeah somthing like that!
    They had an argument a few weeks ago where stepdad bumped into a lady friend who mum just automatically assumed he was sleeping with her so she can running to my house. And i had to calm her down.
    Where will she go when they move?


    Im just alittle bit lost




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  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,547
    Female
    England
    I can understand how worried you are about he move. Your Mum is going to get worse and your step dad is going to need more help and he is cutting himself off from family. He will need to give more care and time to your mum and will have three dogs that need exercising and looking after. Having the sea close by is a wonderful but if you can't get out to see it what is the point? Your step dad is putting himself in a more stressful position and as you say, where does Mum go when things become difficult?

    Your son too is going to miss them and they will miss him and you will be stressed worrying what is going on all those miles away.

    Is there no way it could be sorted, perhaps a move to a small flat or sheltered housing that could be rented?

    Your step dad is about to become a lone carer with no support from family or friends, not a good place to be.

    I hope you can sort something out so that you are all happier with the situation.
     
  3. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I agree with Jaymor, your mother is going to need more and more care as time goes on and your stepfather, more help.
    I hope you, or someone, can convince him that this really isn't the best time to move away from family. Apart from anything else, a strange place could cause confusion for your mother.
    So many people choose to move closer to relatives for the above reasons.

    I understand about the cost of the house but I wonder if your mother is receiving Attendance Allowance. If so, the council tax can be discounted by 25% which would help a little. Not enough I realise but your Stepdad could get Carer's allowance, which although not the same as having a salary, might help.

    I do hope they will research all the options before taking this leap into the unknown.

    Best wishes.
     
  4. mumbasi

    mumbasi Registered User

    Sep 1, 2013
    106
    I agree with all posters not a good thing to move, just more confusing.

    When my sister had to finish work we also had the problem of not being able to afford the mortgage on her reduced income. We went to the mortgage lender and they were very understanding and suggested changing to an interest only mortgage and extending the borrowing term by 15 years.

    This was much more affordable and was a huge relief. I cannot imagine my sister being able to settle anywhere else as all change is so stressful.

    I hope your step dad will consider all avenues before taking this drastic step and splitting up the family. I feel for you and your son and your mum.
     
  5. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    He wont listen to anyone!

    Ive tried! We all have!

    They dont want to live in a one bed flat (which is what they can afford with the money the have selling this house which is why theyve looked further north for cheaper properties)

    He said that having a spare room for a nurse he might need overnight. He really hasnt got a clue!

    I dont think he sees the bigger picture and proof from mum falling over last night should be all he needs!

    But its out of my hands. Im so so torn! That him learning the hard way is going to make my mum suffer.

    And at the end of it all i can do is say i told you so!
    Im angry. Im hurt. Im confused. And feel totally helpless!!!




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  6. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Thank you for your kind replies xx xx


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  7. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,740
    Female
    London
    I agree with the above but if they really have to move, I suggest they check out what help is available in that borough and what the cost for services would be, as this varies considerably between boroughs. No point moving somewhere with hardly any support available.
     
  8. mumbasi

    mumbasi Registered User

    Sep 1, 2013
    106
    2young, your mother is the same age as my sister who also has FTD. I really know how you feel.

    If your step dad really loves her do you think it would help to introduce him to Talking Point? or do you think it would make matters worse.
    hugs
     
  9. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,239
    Cotswolds
    Hi 2young, has your stepdad talked things over with someone he might consider to be 'objective' ( like mum's GP)? Has he made a list of the pros and cons of moving? Could you start such a list off?

    I live in an area where housing costs are very high, so I do see the problem. However, moving so far away doesn't seem to be the solution.....

    Really feel for you all :(

    (((Hugs)))

    Lindy xx
     
  10. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,773
    Female
    South coast
    I wonder if there is an element of shame and denial so that he doesnt want to be where family and friends can see her?

    Still difficult to know what to do. Could you persuade dad to rent first so that he can "find out the best place to buy"?
     
  11. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Hi all.

    He has currently been signed off work for depression. And has given them time to sort finances and things out and this is what the outcome is.

    Mum was diagnosed in 2013. And hes been in denial ever since. he wont do any research into it for fear i think of knowing whats to come.

    I spoke to him and said in subtle way what will happen when you need a brake? What will happen if you just want an hour to yourself, he said that the carer she has at the moment comes sees her twice a week, so hes assuming that she will get the same when they move.
    I asked him if he has rung anyone in the area yet, carers, groups she can join etc and he said, yeah ill do that when we find out where we are going!

    I litrally printed off the entire world on groups, peer groups, alz society, dementia groups, this app, you name hes had it all in black and white. I have no idea if hes followed anything up.
    I daren't ask because i sound like im always nagging him and im not!
    He just says...yeah ill look into it!

    He says hes scared for her. And obviously were scared an worried about mum and HIM!

    Ive told him that we are all here for him no matter what it takes.

    But he doesnt say much and i asked her carer now to see if he said anything to her and she just said that theyve shown them the house!

    I feel useless and its out of my hands!

    I feel as selfish as this sounds i dont mean it to be, but i have my son to look after an he is in his hardest year of school so tbh my main concern is him and making sure he doesn't have a melt down as well as my mum, step dad and thank god i have a loving supportive partner to stop me crumbling!!!

    My head is ready to explode!

    Thank godness for this group and lovley people like yourselves to talk to!!! Even if i cant find a soltuion talking about it makes all the difference!!!

    Who knows he could be reading this anyway!!! Xxx


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  12. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    It would be good if he was wouldn't it.
    Sorry for saying the obvious earlier. You obviously know the pitfalls of what your stepdad is planning.
    If he's got as far as finding a house, then I don't think you can change things.
    Yes, concentrate on your son.My grandchildren live in my village and I can well imagine how strange and upsetting he is going to find life without his grandparents close by.

    It's a concern too regarding the SOS's that might come your way once the move takes place. Still now all you can do is to let things take their course and deal with what happens, when it happens.
    Do keep coming back to TP whenever you feel the need to offload your worries. We can listen even if we cannot help. :)
     
  13. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    171
    Yorkshire
    Saturday jobs

    This is just a small point to help your son - Usually young people do not have to be 16 to work on one day a week. Most employers of youngsters know the local by-laws well.
    Try checking this out with, for example, your local newsagents. The free sheets around here are definitely delivered by young people still at school.
    I feel for you with your bigger issue. Sadly, you cannot tell some people anything. Trying to get them to rent for a bit does build in a safety barrier.
     
  14. mancmum

    mancmum Registered User

    Feb 6, 2012
    395
    Why not rent?

    If they live somewhere where property costs a lot, presumably rents are high too. Rent the property out so that they can rent somewhere cheaper...that way if it really doesn't work out, then they can come back.

    Just an idea.
     
  15. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Hi all thank you so much for your time time to read and reply i really REALLY do appreciate it!

    I tried our local newsagents and theres a three year waiting list lol x

    Ive spoken to my neighbors and theyre happy for him to do some small chores cutting grass and painting fences etc in the summer so he will like that.
    He charges us £10 to clean the car out lol hence to say we made a compromise lol

    Thank you so much

    I will post an update as soon as i know anymore xx

    Big hugs xxx



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  16. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,498
    Female
    Near Southampton
    Gosh I wish you lived near me. I'd love your son to cut my grass - and - and -and - well let's just say, I'm sure I could keep him busy!:)
     
  17. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Lol x


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  18. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    5,835
    How about dog walking if he doesn't mind dogs. My friend did it for an elderly couple for quite a few yrs. I'm sure secondary school age can do it. Local kennels even etc. or horse riding activity places needing helpers.
     
  19. 2young4dementia

    2young4dementia Registered User

    Apr 1, 2015
    12
    Oh i didnt even think of that lol x cheers me dears x


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