There's always someone worse off

Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
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Yes, I used to tell my mother we'll all be dead soon enough. And we'll all be dead for billions of years.

But she didn't need to go at that time and in that place and in that manner.


Lila





Margarita said:
Lila13

Because its not there trun yet or mine :eek: , I’m a mum also :)

The only 1001 per cent sure thing in this world that we know that’s going to happen (And we could put a bet on & win )is......... that we’re all going to die one day
 

mel

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Apr 30, 2006
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Dear Lila
I really understand how much you are hurting and its hard to find the words to help you....
When my beloved dad died last year I knew in my mind it wasn't his time to die....he had so much more to give and the hurt I felt then was unbearable...
But all I know now is he is truly at peace and he was spared so much pain and suffering by being taken in that manner and at that time....
The pain will not go but it will subside.....
Love
Wendy
 

Frank

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May 18, 2006
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Frank

Hi Karen,

You said something in this thread that really resonates for me:

How come, if I can recognise that other people are worse off than me (very much so on this site alone!) and they are coping and I'm not - then doesn't that make me feel worse - not better - about myself and my situation?

The last two days I have really lost my patience. I do not know why I inflict the pain of trying to reson with my wife when she has lost that cognitive ability. All I do is cause an argument and get her and myself upset. I really wonder if I am up to this, but I know I have no choice but to be up to it. In many ways this disease inflicts itself more on the care giver than on the blissfully unaware victim of it. I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I do feel sorry for myself.

Frank
 

Amy

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Jan 4, 2006
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Hiya Frank,
It's OK to feel sorry for yourself - you have cause- you are being robbed of your dreams. But then as you say you have "no choice but to be up to it" - so when you've had a time of feeling sorry, get up, make yourself a cup of tea, give your wife a hug, and start all over again. You know where you have been going wrong, you know how to make things a little better.
But Frank, if it is getting too much, and you need support, then ask for it - so if you cannot stop losing your patience, then it is time to seek extra help.
Take care.
Best wishes, Helen
 

Margarita

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Feb 17, 2006
10,824
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london
Helen

if ever the subject of death came up her response for years has been its not going to happen "

My mum says when talking about dad dieing ,or her sister /brother Glad its not my turn yet :)




I should have put when
I said The only 1001 per cent sure thing in this world that we know that’s going to happen (And we could put a bet on & win )is......... that we’re all going to die one day

It’s my personnel belief that I share with you all
 

jeannette

Registered User
Feb 27, 2006
55
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Lost my post

I just spent ages rambling on as usual - and then I lost it.
Lucky for you all, I suspect. I've forgotten what I wrote - or maybe I'm just feeling too tired to get it back again.
Margarita, I'm going to try your "singing in head" technique.
Wish me luck Friday evening telling my mother I'm off Sunday morning! I will post how it went.
Hugs to you all - this is such a great thread.
Jeannette
 

Stimpfig

Registered User
Oct 15, 2005
135
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Germany/India
I guess saying worse off is the wrong term - I'm not sure what the right term would be.
Hi Joanne

This thread and your comments reminded me of the following Zen story - it's an abridged version, though (I have done a cut and paste from the internet).

Good Luck, Bad Luck - Who Knows ?
A farmer had a horse but one day, the horse ran away and so the farmer and his son had to plow their fields themselves. Their neighbors said, "Oh, what bad luck that your horse ran away!" But the farmer replied, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"

The next week, the horse returned to the farm, bringing a herd of wild horses with him. "What wonderful luck!" cried the neighbors, but the farmer responded, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"

Then, the farmer's son was thrown as he tried to ride one of the wild horses, and he broke his leg. "Ah, such bad luck," sympathized the neighbors. Once again, the farmer responded, "Bad luck, good luck, who knows?"

A short time later, the ruler of the country recruited all young men to join his army for battle. The son, with his broken leg, was left at home. "What good luck that your son was not forced into battle!" celebrated the neighbors. And the farmer remarked, "Good luck, bad luck, who knows?"
 
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Nutty Nan

Registered User
Nov 2, 2003
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Buckinghamshire
Good luck, bad luck

Bottle half full, bottle half empty?
I am not going to analyse our situation on TP, but it is easier if we can stay postitive and see/find the little highlights rather than expecting miracles.
One of the most touching comments I have read on TP, which I often think of both in good and bad moments, is that we have been given this 'long good bye' because it would have been far too hard to be parted suddenly, without a chance to share some close and special times together.
Let's remind ourselves of our blessings!
 

jeannette

Registered User
Feb 27, 2006
55
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Tonight's the night

Margarita, thank you for remembering.
This evening my sister and I will go there and bring dinner, and I'll tell her then. It's going to be awful, there's unfortunately no doubt about it. I've been managing to block this out until now, but my stomach's now in knots as usual about it. I'll be fine when I'm off and away, and there's not a doubt in my mind about going and ENJOYING, but who wants to see their mother in distress? None of us on TP, that's for sure. It depends on whether she's tearful or nasty - nastier will probably be easier.
I'll let you know.
Thanks again.
Jeannette
 

mel

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Apr 30, 2006
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Sheffield
Yes...I think I'd rather go for the "nasty"
Good luck Jeanette...let us know how it goes!
Wendy
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
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london
Hope it went ok



Well I had to tell my mum after asking you ,it had been on my mind & have been building up in me ,so I told her while I gave her dinner , I am sorry to say that I had to say ,when her face fall & said don’t say that to me , I feel sick ill am going to die . I said nicely come on mum I know you stop it , then she said I can look after myself ,so I said ok them tomorrow you pretend I am not hear & you get your own breakfast & dinner , mum said yes she do that & ask my children to help. I really felt like saying a lot more, really did but keep it all in

All went quite I hovered wash the floor, to take my mind of it , then my daughter walk mum sat her down next to her , my daughter keep looking at me so I quickly said say no . , because she new I had sorted it all out, so she told mum she had to work full time , then my other daughter walk in moaning she wanted to come with me that took mum of it & then she trun around & said yes she go as long as its only for a week , one week is ok , I explained it from Saturday to Saturday & what time I am picking her up, had to repeat it a few time .

And all she going on about now is taking to Angela in day centre that I have to write day centre number so she can tell her ,when I told her its not next week she was happy that she could see them & tell them before she go for a week , she not going to tell them I am going for holiday , but to see her sister grave :eek: .

Gosh mum Remember memories of Gibraltar when she fall in bath room & other thing I thought she forgot .
 

Helena

Registered User
May 24, 2006
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Jeanette

I am sorry but you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty or anything else

YOU ARE ENTITLED to go away /have a holiday ewtc
You are entitled to live your life

You are not a slave and you should not be a martyr to your Mother
Alzheimers or no Alzheimers you too have a life and you must live it
 

Margarita

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Feb 17, 2006
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london
Oh I know your so right Helena that why I keep quite, mum live with me,

If I let ripe with all my feeling in like what you say, because that is how I feel & its from sharing on hear I am learning to let go of that old way of thinking ( that I'm not Entitled because of Guilty feeling )

I find my mum brain get all confused , like when I first told her & go on & on with out relishing it & if she does I don’t know , but I could do with out it . It like an eclectic charge going wrong in mum mind & does not see reason

This way have been building up to it slowing I was more prepared in how to tell her, we are now talking calmly about it , I thing really I feel more cram in myself in telling her a week before , as I could not keep it in anymore , she wanted to know how come I had organised it all when I told her I was not going so I explained how she reacted to me in the first place & had to tell her I was not going she listening now because she more relaxed or she know I am adornment that I am going .
 
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Helena

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May 24, 2006
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The most striking symptoms of Alzheimers that I have not often seen talked about is they become totally selfish ,,,,,,,,,,maybe its highlighted more if they are on their own i dont know

but i know what i have seen
No one else matters , long before the actual dementia shows theres an appalling lack of care or concern for others
They dont phone anyone
they complain and are nasty if you go away or do anything like normal people

They seem to think that no one else has a life

Well I have seen this in my Mother for some years
Mood swings , stroppy , bad tempered ,nothings ever right unless she did it and anyone who knows about the subject can see what a lousy mess she has made of it ,incredibly mean with money
and I realise that her dementia has therefore been coming on for quite a while

Well I was put thru the mill years ago by MIL and was made very ill so I am not getting caught again

I am 60 and retired and I am not spending my retirement running myself ragged to be used and abused

Yeah OK so now some will say I am selfish but i have a husband to think about and my own children and grandchildren who all mean the world to me and my Mother has never been loving and when she was able to reason she was downright stubborn and would not make provision for how she would cope in later life or if dementia struck , she would not countenance any thought that she might become infirm ........it just was not going to happen
She was only going out of her home in a box
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
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Hiya Helena,
I am sorry that you never found your mother loving; it must be difficult for you; we are expected to love our parents and to want to be there for them - but if we have not known a loving relationship, then that response will not be natural.
Your responsibility now is to make sure that your mother is safe, and her physical needs are cared for.
Best wishes, Helen
 

jeannette

Registered User
Feb 27, 2006
55
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I told her...

Well, Margarita, Wendy, Helena, all you TP friends, I told her this evening, and Helena, you're pretty accurate, I'm afraid. It was daggers and hostility and then she was mostly off on her usual obsessive anxiety over food and money, and declarations of all the things she's going to do. Really as yet a weaker reaction than the last time - but there's still the whole of tomorrow to contend with, and she'll be stronger, and then later there'll probably be the more genuine tears, and then I do feel so very sorry for her. (But not guilty, because she will be well cared for.) Or maybe there won't be strong emotion, because as we all know this is a developing illness, and so things change. But Helena, as I may have mentioned (or you just intuited), my mother has been the same way - but much more controlling and in control - over my going anywhere without her (especially with my husband) for so many years. A lot of selfishness there, I'm afraid.
Looking forward right now to being on the plane - no phones. And I will cut off in a way I never quite managed in the past - but you know it's all there hiding somewhere inside. Old habits dying hard etc. Still, my husband's got problems too, and we've both had a tough few years, and I'm going to focus on him and on us, and hope for the best.
If anything particularly awful - or maybe funny - happens between now and departure, I'll post. Otherwise, see you all on my return - and I wish you all as peaceful and sane and healthy a time as you can all manage. Take care of yourselves. (And hi, Rummy, if you're around, too.)
Love, Jeannette
 

Margarita

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Feb 17, 2006
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london
And I will cut off in a way I never quite managed in the past - but you know it's all there hiding somewhere inside.

I was just thinking that today

seem like jeannette must be on hoilday now .

I can’t wait till Monday 7am I get the flight, it my first break away a real holiday and it shall not be my last ......2 weeks next time. This is the beginning of putting my self first Watch this space
 

rummy

Registered User
Jul 15, 2005
700
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Oklahoma,USA
If only we weren't so darned human ! There is no right or wrong way to feel, there isn't a sorrow guage to go by and there are no reasons for any of this to be happening. We and our loved ones drew the short straw on this one I'm afraid.
Perspective is however, a good thing. Certainly in all things, situations can be worse. That's why we count our blessings.

nothing bad ever happens to them or their families

Helena, they get theres in the end you know!

Debbie
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
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london
I just could not believe our prime Minster speech today when he said that the queen has taken on such a burden that it lightens our burden,:eek: still trying to work that one out.:confused:

Bet she have no problem getting a wheelchair if she needed one, I suppose her holiday our called respite while we all go in a careless reality life