There is a saying..............


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
When i started caring for Jean, I looked on this site and was horrified to see what other people were having to put with.

So much so that I did not register or look on th site again. I was quite sure that Jeans AD would not get to the latter stages for many years and also quite sure that I was going to cope, no matter what.

Gradually , as her language and communication skills faded, her behaviour changed radically, the disturbed nights, weeping and wailing and constant attention seeking progressed, I made my way on to the site for help, reassurance, guidance, the chance to interact with other people in the same situation and, through the tea room, have a chance to unwind.

Unfortunatley, one of the side effects of reading posts about more advanced cases, is that I seem to have become hardened to Jeans condition and now take things whatever comes as if it is to be expected, normal and natural.

Please do not get me wrong. When i say hardened to the condition I do not mean hardened towards Jean. How could anyone possibly be hard on someone whose mind, through no fault of her own, has virtually gone and who is struggling to make sense of a world that only she knows.

I think the other point i need to make is that i have not become hardened towards other sufferers of the disease or the people that care for them that post in these forums. Everyone on here has my deepest respect and admiration.

It's just the disease I have become hardened to but i still think I would come away from the field with my own troubles.

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
I don't think the word is "hardened", I think "prepared" or "forewarned" would be better choices. You've read of various things and as some begin to happen to Jean, you recognize the symptoms as just that - symptoms of the disease.

As you say
now take things whatever comes as if it is to be expected, normal and natural.
You're coping, and coping wonderfully.


Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
let someone else pick them up? Say, erm , Gordon Brown? Then we could all fly off en masse to Gibraltar with Margarita. ( Is that OK by you, Maggie? How big's the plane?)
Oh yes plane big enough for you all of you on TP , because your all be in that plane with me in a special place in my heart , because this sums it up in how TP has help me

now take things whatever comes as if it is to be expected, normal and natural
making me relies that I also have a life , while I care for my mother , no matter how hard I find it seeing the detearation

I could not of said it better , thanks Grommit for sharing

PS Must add but not Gordon Brown :D ,not even all my issue , because they mine and they help me make me what I am .

like the song that out lately, What don't kill you just make you stronger
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Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
south lanarkshire
Grannie G said:
Oh please don`t think like that. You must know it`s so different caring for parents, as you have other family to consider, and to have both parents to care for at the same time is too much for anyone.

Now you are rested, knowing your parents are safe and being cared for 24/7, it`s so easy to think `Could I have gone that extra mile?` But think back to your state of health then, not now, and know you could not have done more.

Love xx
Hi Slyvia

Thanks for your endorsement and support. You always make me think.

I know things were in crises when I tried to care for Mum and Dad at home

But it is heartbreaking, when Mum pleads with me, to take her home, "to my house, just for to-night" and she will pay me.



Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
Oh god Alfjess, that is so sad... I don't know why but it just hit so many buttons with me. If only the whole thing were that simple.

Incidentally, I do not know how you did it for so long. As Sylvia said, and you will recognise it to be true if you look back on some of your old posts, you did as much as you could until your own health started to fail. You really could not have done more, bar being cloned, and you have your parents safe and well taken care of and that's the best thing you could have done for them.




Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
`If everybody put their troubles in the middle of a field, we would all take our own back.
This is so true, no matter how hard you find things, there is always someone else that is, so much worse off. Taffy.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
alfjess said:
But it is heartbreaking, when Mum pleads with me, to take her home, "to my house, just for to-night" and she will pay me.

Dear Alfjess,

Now that is emotional torture and would reduce even the most hard hearted to tears.

But to put it in perspective, this is in effect what my husband is saying to me every day and all day, and he is home.

He says I can have the house and I can have all our money, if I will just help him get home to his real family. And yes, even though I know there is no intent to hurt, it reduces me to tears every time.

Please don`t think for a minute I am making light of what your mother says, but there might be a possibility that even if you did take her home, it might not be the home she is thinking of.

I think the homes your mother and my husband are thinking of are Alzheimer free.

Love xx


Registered User
Mar 27, 2004
Dear Grommit

You don't get hardened, you may become resigned, reconciled, accepting, prepared or prescient but never hardened.

Cheers Frank


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Sylvia, what a good thread.

I've just caught up with it, having been away, and at virtually every post I thought 'must reply to that'! If I replied to everyone, the forum would crash.!

So, yes, I agree.

I am coping (just) with my problems, but couldn't cope with Sylvia's -- or anyone else's. And yet, if those were my problems, I guess I'd find a way to cope too. I think we find the strength to cope with what life throws at us, but know that one more straw would break the camel's back. Then we somehow find the strength to bear the next straw. We have to, or we go under.

Alfjess, don't run yourself down. You did everything you possibly could for your parents. Most of us are struggling to cope with one person, I can only imagine how hard it was to cope with two, and your own family as well. You worked wonders, and have given me a lot of support into the bargain.


It's just the disease I have become hardened to but i still think I would come away from the field with my own troubles
You are certainly not hardened, either to Jean or to the disease. You too help so many people with your posts. We've missed you.

And I agree with everyone, TP is a lifesaver. It's the best possible source of information, advice, support and companionship. Without it, I think many of us would find the burden too much to bear.

Love to all,


Registered User
Jul 10, 2006
south lanarkshire
Hi Slyvia
Yes I can see similarities with Dhiren and Mum It must be so trying to deal with the wanting to go home everyday.

It is so hard visiting my parents. Not that I don't want to see them, but I dread what traumas will be waiting for me.

Dad since not taking Aricept (brachycardia) has deteriorated so much, he now needs to be lead by the hand, is on a toilet chart and cannot dress himself. Cannot, really talk, although tries, but the words are jumbled.

I have looked into bringing them home again and employing 3 carers in shifts, as Mum is so unhappy, often I drive home in tears and I think they shouldn't be unhappy in the last years of their life.
It wouldn't be a lot more expensive, than what they are now paying to be in the care home and certainly not as expensive than the dementia unit, which has been suggested. I don't mean that cost is the main issue

But then the sensible part of my brain kicks in and I know it is only wishful thinking on my part, trying to relieve my guilt and keep them happy also. In reality it wouldn't work, because, no matter how many carers I employed, Mum would still always want to be with me and I would be paying the carers for not a lot.

I believe it is because she feels safe. I am someone she recognises. She can't remember I am her daughter and is quite delighted when I tell her so, forgets 1 min later, but still wants me to be with her 24/7.

I can only hope that eventually Mum will accept and settle, but until that time, I will have to try to be more sensible

Thanks all for your support



Registered User
Aug 23, 2007
I'm so glad I found this site. I've been coming to terms with my mother having Alzheimer's for the last decade and it took a long long time for me to be able to talk about it to anyone without getting upset or bitterly resenting people asking me how my mum was.

I agree about that old saying though. I think it's because for each of us, our troubles are very individual to us and are interwoven with our everyday lives. Theres the fear that if you went for someone else's problems that didn't look so bad, that they'd turn out to be even worse. :eek: