There are two of me. Really?

[RAF Geoff]

Three days ago, my wife and I were sitting out on the loungers having coffee at 10.30 am Christine asked me why I was still here. The house belongs to her and (her first husband) Greg. When was I going home as I could not stay here. I am not your wife and you cannot be my husband was repeated many times. She was extremely assertive and bordering aggressive. I managed to change the subject for a few minutes only when she wanted to call the police to get me out. After a couple of hours during which I spoke of other things she kept coming back with the same story, she insisted that I go and she wanted to walk down to see (Son) Greg. About 2 pm I sent a text to Greg to see if he was at home so we could go to him as he lives about 500 yards away. He replied that he would come up in half an hour. This seemed to satisfy Christine. He came and we sat in the garden where he explained our entire life together. She gradually accepted his explanation and calmed down. After Greg left, we settled down for the remainder of the day. This has been the worst time ever and I am sad that I could not find a way out myself.

Yesterday after dinner, we went into the sitting room at about 7 pm. Christine asked me if I had a family and suggesting I should go home and said that she had to get back too. This questioning continued to be repeated every few minutes until at 9 pm I suggested that we go to bed and sort it out in the morning. She insisted that I was not her husband although my name was Geoffrey. I went upstairs to switch on the electric blanket and when I returned, faced a barrage of accusations. I tried to persuade her to get washed but she refused saying she had to go back tonight and I could not stay since it was not our home. The aggressive stance continued until about 10.30 pm when I switched of the blanket and sat on the settee to talk. She would not go to bed with me because I am not her husband Geoffrey but a different Geoffrey and this is not our house. We got nowhere, then about midnight I explained that it was too late to go anywhere and in any event the Coronavirus restrictions would not allow us to leave the house. At 1.30 am we managed to agree to sleep where we sat and sort it out in the morning; Christine in the armchair and me sitting on the sofa. Just before 3 am I woke and went to the toilet. Christine also went and we returned to the sitting room where we took up our previous positions. Christine slept till just after 6 am. I nodded off till 4.15 am and walked around quietly then rested till she awoke. She was still adamant that I was not her husband and this was not our house. I said that I was going for a shave and shower and did so. I returned and said “Come on and have a shower” She came, allowed me to help her. We had breakfast and things carried on as if nothing was wrong. The day was ok and Christine vacuumed and dusted as usual till mid afternoon when, after a nap, she once again questioned our situation. I explained what had happened over the past evening and she agreed to try not t let it happen again. Dinner and the rest of the day went fine. (My head hurts)

 

[Izzy]

Oh dear @RAF Geoff - how distressing for you.

I wondered if there is any chance that your wife might have a urine infection. I know both my husband and my mum got much more confused when they had a UTI. Although it might not be that it could be worth having it checked out if you can manage to get a sample to hand in to the GP surgery.

 

[LuLuP]

Oh no, poor you! And yet your wife is well enough to dust and hoover. I find that my husband is worse since lockdown. He seems to be having vivid dreams that relate to his past, and then he has trouble catching up with the present during the day. Also he has forgotten our youngest son's name, which is so sad. I hope that today goes better for you.

 

[canary]

Do check for a UTI, but if she hasnt got one, then it sounds to me that she has got Capgras Syndrome (where the person thinks that people/places have been replaced by imposters) during sundowning (a period of increased confusion during the afternoon/evening/night).

Im afraid that Capgras Syndrome and sundowning are common in dementia.
Heres a fact sheet about sundowning

Sundowning and dementia

Sometimes a person with dementia will behave in ways that are difficult to understand in the late afternoon or early evening. This is known as 'Sundowning'.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[annielou]

My mum does similar with me, she often thinks I’m a friend from years ago or a friend with same name as me but I’m not her daughter. It happens a lot of the time now, I’m not me more often than I am me.
Thankfully she’s not always distressed by it but a lot of the times she gets agitated and angry about it and the situation gets very hard to handle. It must be very hard when it happens at bedtime and you’re husband and wife. X
There are suggestions on posts on here and in some of the alzheimer society publications about going along with what they say and coming up with fibs/love lies as reasons why you are there rather than her husband. I do try these with my mum and sometimes it works but unfortunately mum flips back and forward a lot so quite often it doesn’t. I often end up just keep saying I’m sorry she doesn’t remember me or sorry its confusing but I’m not hurting her I’m just trying to look after her. I do try the suggestions and they do sometimes work and have read others have had more success so it’s worth looking at publications list and looking through old posts for suggestions. I hope they work for you x
As suggested it could be an infection making your wife more confused than normal so worth checking. I hope its something temporary rather than start of new phase ?

 

[Izzy]

I wondered if the information in this thread would be of any help -

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Helly68]

My Mum, now in a care home, would sometimes ask when her (dead) mother, father and uncle were going to visit. Not quite the same but very worrying none the less. She also ceased to recognise my Dad as he husband, claiming he was someone who had "taken her in". When I tried to explain to her once (early in her mixed dementia) she listened and said "but I would never have married him!". I never tried that again. Now I tend to say something very non-specific - "oh really, that'll be nice" or "I don't think they will be coming today". Their reality has changed beyond recognition, but that is very hard on their loved ones almost as much as the PWD themselves.

 

[northumbrian_k]

I am my wife's husband except when I am not. Sometimes I am the person she used to be married to. I am a person named K but not the K she is expecting home at any time. When she was at home this could go on for days. Now she is in care it is easier to deal with when she says that I am married to her mother! I have no advice to offer other than to take none of it to heart. Sometimes (often) what a person with dementia says is not what they mean but they do not realise that.

 

[JDD]

I've posted on a different thread in the last few days in the middle of the night as I've been staying with my mum for 9 days as her carers said she had invisible friends, some of this is a repeat of what I've already written. I felt something wasn't right with mum. She had antibiotics for UTI for 5 days as it was over Bank Holiday and the weekend. Urine tested after and was clear but I rang the doctor today he said try another course as she had a catheter in briefly on Monday and that can cause infection. It's really hard when they don't know who you are...mum has delirium, sometimes she knows who I am, sometimes she thinks I'm her twin sister or carer etc. Yesterday I could hear her laughing in her bedroom and she came to the sitting room laughing and saying we are all laughing so much, I filmed her as she seemed like she did about 3 years ago. Her voice has changed because she has been talking non stop some days and night. I wonder if anyone else has a female relative who has referred to herself as 'she' instead of 'I'? She looks at the invisible friend and says 'she needs to go to the toilet, do you?' then 'Dorothy needs to go to the toilet'......she told me I had to go home yesterday as well as all the the other children as our parents would be worried....I had to go out of the front door and wait then come in as a different person.....eventually it was Ok- little white lies! I've been in touch with the dementia advisor and GP again and she is going to have a Mental health assessment......

 

[White Rose]

There's no end to the madness of this disease, I do feel for you @RAF Geoff it sounds like you're having a dreadful time. Maybe you could talk to your GP and see if they have any advice re medication.

 

[RAF Geoff]

Three days ago, my wife and I were sitting out on the loungers having coffee at 10.30 am Christine asked me why I was still here. The house belongs to her and (her first husband) Greg. When was I going home as I could not stay here. I am not your wife and you cannot be my husband was repeated many times. She was extremely assertive and bordering aggressive. I managed to change the subject for a few minutes only when she wanted to call the police to get me out. After a couple of hours during which I spoke of other things she kept coming back with the same story, she insisted that I go and she wanted to walk down to see (Son) Greg. About 2 pm I sent a text to Greg to see if he was at home so we could go to him as he lives about 500 yards away. He replied that he would come up in half an hour. This seemed to satisfy Christine. He came and we sat in the garden where he explained our entire life together. She gradually accepted his explanation and calmed down. After Greg left, we settled down for the remainder of the day. This has been the worst time ever and I am sad that I could not find a way out myself.

Yesterday after dinner, we went into the sitting room at about 7 pm. Christine asked me if I had a family and suggesting I should go home and said that she had to get back too. This questioning continued to be repeated every few minutes until at 9 pm I suggested that we go to bed and sort it out in the morning. She insisted that I was not her husband although my name was Geoffrey. I went upstairs to switch on the electric blanket and when I returned, faced a barrage of accusations. I tried to persuade her to get washed but she refused saying she had to go back tonight and I could not stay since it was not our home. The aggressive stance continued until about 10.30 pm when I switched of the blanket and sat on the settee to talk. She would not go to bed with me because I am not her husband Geoffrey but a different Geoffrey and this is not our house. We got nowhere, then about midnight I explained that it was too late to go anywhere and in any event the Coronavirus restrictions would not allow us to leave the house. At 1.30 am we managed to agree to sleep where we sat and sort it out in the morning; Christine in the armchair and me sitting on the sofa. Just before 3 am I woke and went to the toilet. Christine also went and we returned to the sitting room where we took up our previous positions. Christine slept till just after 6 am. I nodded off till 4.15 am and walked around quietly then rested till she awoke. She was still adamant that I was not her husband and this was not our house. I said that I was going for a shave and shower and did so. I returned and said “Come on and have a shower” She came, allowed me to help her. We had breakfast and things carried on as if nothing was wrong. The day was ok and Christine vacuumed and dusted as usual till mid afternoon when, after a nap, she once again questioned our situation. I explained what had happened over the past evening and she agreed to try not t let it happen again. Dinner and the rest of the day went fine. (My head hurts)

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I will check for UTI as soon as possible. In particular, she drinks very little tea/coffee and almost no water. Last night was similar but she now has five Geoffreys calling her their wife. I did manage to get her to come to bed though she remained fully dressed under the duvet. This morning she allowed me to help her shower and dress but as of 9am I am visiting and should go to my home.
We have been married 40 years; both previous spouses being dead. Christine has a daughter and a son 63 and 60 respectively. I have three children; a son 62 a daughter 60 and a son 57 . The nearest is her son who lives less than 1/2 mile away. He visits us in our garden about once a fortnight. Good job we were made tough in 1932!

 

[RosettaT]

Hi @RAF Geoff, I would advise speaking with your Dr, ours place my OH on meds that saved my sanity. The problem wasn't the same as yours but was life saver non the less.
I guess you are exRAF, have you spken with RAFA, SSAFA or the Benevolent fund to see what help you can get. I know they follow the government guidelines for funding but they may be able to help in other ways.
Hope things improve for you and your wife.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @RAF Geoff

I notice you say your wife drinks very little. My dad used to get very confused when he was dehydrated so I wonder if this is part of the problem. If she won't drink would she eat jelly or ice-cream or juicy fruits like melon and grapes?
My dad wouldn't drink water but he would drink diluted squash - something he never bothered with pre dementia - there are lots of flavours to try.

 

[JDD]

Hi Geoff, you may already have done all this but just in case you haven't - my mum has been referred to Primary Care Liaison by the GP- I think we have to ask for help!

Mum also has started drinking squash as she was pulling faces at the water sometimes!

She likes tinned pineapple or tinned mandarins and loves the juice....

 

[RAF Geoff]

Hi @RAF Geoff

I notice you say your wife drinks very little. My dad used to get very confused when he was dehydrated so I wonder if this is part of the problem. If she won't drink would she eat jelly or ice-cream or juicy fruits like melon and grapes?
My dad wouldn't drink water but he would drink diluted squash - something he never bothered with pre dementia - there are lots of flavours to try.

Thank you Bunpoots. She has a very little orange juice when taking her tablets twice a day but will not try other liquid unfortunately. Even tried a glass of wine, rather not of course, but nothing beats tea any time and coffee at mid morning. I am checking with the Dr tomorrow re UTI

 

[RAF Geoff]

Hi Geoff, you may already have done all this but just in case you haven't - my mum has been referred to Primary Care Liaison by the GP- I think we have to ask for help!

Mum also has started drinking squash as she was pulling faces at the water sometimes!

She likes tinned pineapple or tinned mandarins and loves the juice....

Thank you JDD. That tinned fruit seems a possibility which I shall try but as I am diabetic she will have to manage a tin full on her own (lol). I am hoping to talk to he GP tomorrow.

 

[Bunpoots]

Thank you JDD. That tinned fruit seems a possibility which I shall try but as I am diabetic she will have to manage a tin full on her own (lol). I am hoping to talk to he GP tomorrow.

you can buy little individual pots of fruit in juice in the supermarket

 

[canary]

Try adding a bit of evaporated milk to it too. It was a definite favourite of the residents in mums care home. I was surprised, but I was told that during and just after the war it would have been considered a real treat and most of them still remembered it.

 

[Tripehound414]

The splitting into two is called Capgras Syndrome/Delusion.
My Mum had it with me, when I was helping my Dad care for her. There was a 'good' me, and an 'evil' me. I found that if I went outside and closed the door behind me, then stayed out for a few minutes, then came back in again, I had reverted to the 'good' me.