1. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
  2. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    It's so difficult to prove, isn't it, especially when the elderly person concerned has got confused about financial matters and and makes false accusations.

    Lila
     
  3. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hi both

    I just read the link having checked my mum's bank account to keep a watcheye on her daily and unnecessary spending. Each time I do it I feel guilty because: I'm doing it and it's not my money. Then I remember, as I see purchases for items of clothes she'll never wear and ... digital cameras she'll never use that I'm doing it for her. I transfer money over for her when her overdraft facility is almost in meltdown as she is blithely unaware. I was, at one point, running back and to to the shops to return the things she bought but couldn't remember buying - or why she bought them. Now I've stopped doing that. I am waiting until her small savings account is almost depleted, then I will register the EPA. This might seem reckless on my part. However, faced with a stark choice of a ranting and raving mother repeatedly telling me I am persecuting her or my own peace of mind, I chose peace!

    This is a very tricky area for all of us. I feel guilty and yet am doing nothing wrong just trying to protect my mum. However, I constantly feel I have to justify everything I'm doing to anyone who might be vaguely interested so that it is all transparent. I worry myself sick over why my mum has bought a digital camera ... who for ... was she alone when she bought it (it went back to the shop, by the way). I've given up trying to reason with her about leaving money lying around in drawers and then it's gone and she can't account for it.

    In the meantime, in trying to protect her, there are those who will take advantage. Doesn't society suck!
     
  4. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Lucille

    I'm sure you're doing the best you can to protect your Mum. As I'm sure is everyone else on TP. No-one needs to feel guilty about using money for the AD sufferer's benefit. I use John's money for his benefit, and there is no reason why a son/daughter carer shouldn't do the same.

    The news item focussed on a professional carer, who was taking the old person to the toilet, and systematically stealing from her purse.

    It went on to talk about family members, usually not the primary carer, who saw the old person as a source of funds. We've had several posts on this subject, so I thought it might be of interest.

    Love,
     
  5. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    The person who was taking £20 a week from her mother's pension may have thought it was a small payment , compared with the attendance allowances some get, but of course it's impossible to find out the individual circumstances.

    Yes, I kept a log book for my brother and anyone else who may have wanted to, or thought themselves entitled to read it. I wanted us to have a "business meeting" once a month, but no-one else would have agreed on a time so it never happened.

    My mother went from one extreme to another, one month saying "I never want to see any of those again" when her bank statement arrived, and the next month carefully going through every item.

    The person who was falsely accused was a home help whom I never met.

    And us, when she went to the shop and told them her children had taken all her money.

    Lila
     
  6. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hi Hazel

    Yes, it was definitely of interest! But it just coincided with me getting in from work, doing the daily 'what's mother been up to with her wallet' routine. And I thought ... eek guilt monster strikes - I wish I didn't have to check up on mum or imagine what other people might be doing with her money! :rolleyes: Actually, I heard about a similar case a few weeks ago when I was at mum's and we discussed it then. I tried to get over to her about the careless approach of leaving money lying around ... "I don't leave it lying around." she said. So that was the end of that one! But in the case I read about, the family hid the camera in the Christmas tree! Inspired or what? The carer was caught red-handed.

    It got me thinking, did the camera flash? How did they set it up? If I'd have had to do that, the thing would have tumbled out of the branches and I'd have ended up with a picture of the ceiling ... hey ho! :)
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    My mother did remember enough to feel awfully guilty about the home help she'd accused, when she found the missing item.

    I'm afraid they must get used to it.
     
  8. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Skye
    That link was useful to me.
    I have Poa for Mum and Dad and keep receipts for all monies spent, but my Brother and girlfriend is less than trustworthy, so I have filled the form and given a short version of the problem.
    I will await an answer and will let you know the outcome, although I have misgivings about BBC Media becoming involved. I don't suppose that they can publish anything without consent??
    thanks for the link
    Alfjess
     
  9. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    She accused my brother's foster-son too. But he had no access to her money and wouldn't even visit her during the last 2 years of her life.

    Luckily we (family) trusted each other financially even if not in other ways.
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Alfjess

    Glad you found it useful. I'm sure the BBC couldn't use any information you gave tham without your consent. I think it's good that people know that these problems exist, although I'm doubtful about how effective their campaigns are. They can't keep them running for long enough. I think the newspapers have more effect.

    Love,
     
  11. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Thanks for the link Skye....

    Helped me understand a bit better why the GM is lurking even on this front .... since the fiasco with mum's bank freezing her accounts I have had to buy everything for her and 'fund' her with cash for the best part of two months (STILL waiting for a card on her account for me to be able to 'manage her money completely seperately' as I should be doing .....) Only way has been to keep every receipt ... tot it up at the end of the month and 'pay myself back' by transferring from her account to mine ... I have felt like taking the accounts I'm keeping for COP into the bank to prove to the teller I am not misappropriating money from her ...... why should I feel I have to justify myself like that? Because of these kinds of stories, I guess.....

    I have to admit to a paradox in how I 'use' mum's money for her benefit though ... on the one hand I feel I have to preserve her assets as best I can, and much like Lucille, I'm trying as nicely as I can to dampen mum's reckless spending .... (I can't account for what she actually does with the cash I hand over????) .... on the other hand when I do her grocery shopping I tend to bypass the 'economy stuff' and buy her the best 'treats' I can ..... now am I guilty of being reckless with her money - or doing my best for her to tempt her appetite?:confused: It might not amount to much ...... but as Lucille said : However, I constantly feel I have to justify everything I'm doing to anyone who might be vaguely interested so that it is all transparent. I'm waiting for someone to challenge me as to why I splashed out on prawns when a cheap tin of tuna would do...... :eek:

    Karen, x
     
  12. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Karen

    That's the downside of these reports isn't it? On the one hand they make more people aware of the vulnerability of old people, particularly those living alone, and that can only be good.

    On the other hand, it means that people like you and Lucille, who are genuinely doing their best to give their loved ones as good a quality of life as possible, feel they have to justify every expenditure.

    Not to me, girls. Give your mums and dads as many treats as you can. Life is tough and it's the little treats that brighten the day. Guess that applies at any age! You're doing great.

    Love,
     
  13. Lucille

    Lucille Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    542
    Hi Karen and Hazel

    Thanks, Karen, you made me laugh with your comment about splashing out on prawns. I know what you mean. I have sometimes eyed the Tesco Finest range (for convenience as much as anything) as mum's kitchen is often a bomb site and I can't be bothered to cook. Then, I think, mmm that's a bit dear, perhaps I'll make some pasta. I'm surprised she's not built up into some kind of weightlifter with all the carbs, I'm trying to feed her! :D :D

    Thanks, Hazel, for your advice. Much appreciated. We do all need treats and on that note, I'm off to treat myself to a choccy bar ... :)
     
  14. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Skye
    I think I misread the BBC comments box (not like me!) these days I don't get everything exactly right. No time.
    I think they were asking for comments on the issue, not for personal stories, like I submitted:rolleyes:
    Oh well never mind. It was still useful to know that I am not alone in having untrustworthy relatives
    Alfjess
     

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