My fear started at 1am on Saturday morning as I awoke to an almost eerie silence, I quietly got our of bed, got dressed, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee then sat at the dinning table getting very apprehensive about the weekend as on the (Saturday) we had to attend my stepdaughters University Graduation so I was trying to gear up my mind and body for the occasion which I was already expecting to be extremely noisy… anyway I sat at the computer to check my E-mails and make my replies to different Blog sites but something was amiss as when the Yahoo page opened the complete configuration had changed and when I tried to enter into my various websites nothing was happening which should happen automatically since I never ‘Log out’ of any of the sites, I spent 2-3 hours trying to work out the cause of the problem and becoming more and more frustrated by the minutes as I was beginning to think I’d been deleted from the world, in the end I’d got myself into such a state of utter confusion I thought it best to just turn off the computer and concentrate on getting myself ready for the graduation ceremony, as by this time it was 6am.
As the ceremony was to be traditional full dress for the ladies and jacket and tie for the gents, Sumi had already gone dashing of to the beauty saloon so I was left alone to get myself ready which was going OK until it came to putting on my ‘tie’ being something I haven’t needed to wear for the past 10 years, so it wasn’t until I stood in front of the mirror that I realized I’d forgotten how to tie the knot but after a lot of frustrating attempts finally managed to get it done. Sumi arrived back home looking absolutely fantastic in her traditional costume and we set of for the university, but the moment we walked into the quadrangle I froze in utter terror at the heaving horde of guests all seated waiting and the traditional ‘Gamling’ (Gongs) music pulsating round the university walls, at this point our son-in-law came to meet us and guide us to our seats but I was still frozen in terror so Sumi gave me a gentle tug on the arm saying ‘don’t worry you will be OK’ which I might have been if it hadn’t been for the fact that our son-in-law had kept us two seats right next to the loud speakers so every sound of the gongs ‘some of which have a very high pitch’ were echoing though my eardrums and brain, we looked for other seating but the place was full so I had to try and cope with the noise best I could. Apart from the excruciating noise the ceremony wasn’t too bad although there was a great deal of speeches that seemed to waffle on for ever and the ceremony was concluded at 2pm which left me feeling exhausted.
When we arrived back home I thought I’d relax and watch the TV but due to an extremely heavy storm and strong gale the previous night the TV antenna had been forced round 180 degrees to point in the wrong direction so we could not get any reception, I thought no big problem I’ll watch the Satellite TV only to find that the decoding device had gone wrong and needs to be replaced so could not watch the Satellite TV, so I popped an old video into the VCR machine which promptly got gammed inside and I can’t remove it, neither will it play, so that needs to be repaired, by this time it was well past 4-30pm and my mind and body was following the setting sun beyond the horizon and I was becoming extremely fraught with all the problems, but I tried to be positive saying, it’s just one of those mishap days, and put a DVD into the machine thinking at least I’d have something to watch which was a short lived thought as when I pressed ‘Play’ nothing was appearing on the TV screen except what looked like a lot of pyrotechnics, I tried other DVDs but got the same effects so yet another machine that needs repairing and I went to bed in the evening feeling extremely dejected. According to Sumi I was dead asleep by 7pm but then only to be suddenly woken up by an almighty rattling noise and at first I could not detect where it was coming from but then realized it was emanating from the bedroom air conditioning unit that for some reason was repeatedly tuning its self on and of, I tied adjusting the settings but to no avail and had to turn the air conditioning off, so you’ve guessed it, something else that needs repair.
The next thing I remember was Sumi switching on the light and shaking me saying, wake up, wake up, its five o’clock we’ve missed morning prayers which meant that for the first time in many, many months I’d slept right through the night in fact if Sumi had not woken me I’m sure I would have slept longer. Once we were up, dressed and our morning walk out the way I sat at the computer but yet again only to be faced with same problems of accessing Yahoo and my Blog sites which sent me into a frenzy and I stormed into the bedroom shouting and crying… Sumi came rushing in asking ‘what’s wrong’ I tried explaining all the problems to her but all I kept saying was “Am I already dead, but don’t yet realize it” as I felt as though my every existence on the computer and life in general had been erased from the face of the earth which made Sumi burst into tears… once she had calmed me down and was explaining to the family about all the problems it materialized that on the Friday evening our son-in-law had been using the computer and internet to open up an E-mail account in his own name but wasn’t happy with the computers settings and configurations so decided to change everything ‘without asking or telling me’ or bothering to put the computer back to my settings once he’d finished!
It’s made me recognize even more that no matter how much I try to explain the effects of my condition, even to my dear family, they still cannot comprehend just what’s happening within my brain and the ultimate consequences… and as I lay in the dark hours of Sunday night I reflected back that at the age of fifty-nine I became to be old and recall how aghast I was that something within me was slowly sinking, was dying away, and how I’d felt like a husband that had no tenderness or esteem for his beloved wife and I recall saying to Sumi that whatever scenes of desolation lay ahead of us I’d never feared one more brutal than this illness, yet I promised her that I would fight on for my life to be at her side… but I could bring to it nothing more than the importunate acquiescence of determination as we walked together along a new pathway of life into what I call… (The winters of my discontent)
Apart from that I’ve been having a good weekend… the computers sorted out… and back under my control!
Barry
As the ceremony was to be traditional full dress for the ladies and jacket and tie for the gents, Sumi had already gone dashing of to the beauty saloon so I was left alone to get myself ready which was going OK until it came to putting on my ‘tie’ being something I haven’t needed to wear for the past 10 years, so it wasn’t until I stood in front of the mirror that I realized I’d forgotten how to tie the knot but after a lot of frustrating attempts finally managed to get it done. Sumi arrived back home looking absolutely fantastic in her traditional costume and we set of for the university, but the moment we walked into the quadrangle I froze in utter terror at the heaving horde of guests all seated waiting and the traditional ‘Gamling’ (Gongs) music pulsating round the university walls, at this point our son-in-law came to meet us and guide us to our seats but I was still frozen in terror so Sumi gave me a gentle tug on the arm saying ‘don’t worry you will be OK’ which I might have been if it hadn’t been for the fact that our son-in-law had kept us two seats right next to the loud speakers so every sound of the gongs ‘some of which have a very high pitch’ were echoing though my eardrums and brain, we looked for other seating but the place was full so I had to try and cope with the noise best I could. Apart from the excruciating noise the ceremony wasn’t too bad although there was a great deal of speeches that seemed to waffle on for ever and the ceremony was concluded at 2pm which left me feeling exhausted.
When we arrived back home I thought I’d relax and watch the TV but due to an extremely heavy storm and strong gale the previous night the TV antenna had been forced round 180 degrees to point in the wrong direction so we could not get any reception, I thought no big problem I’ll watch the Satellite TV only to find that the decoding device had gone wrong and needs to be replaced so could not watch the Satellite TV, so I popped an old video into the VCR machine which promptly got gammed inside and I can’t remove it, neither will it play, so that needs to be repaired, by this time it was well past 4-30pm and my mind and body was following the setting sun beyond the horizon and I was becoming extremely fraught with all the problems, but I tried to be positive saying, it’s just one of those mishap days, and put a DVD into the machine thinking at least I’d have something to watch which was a short lived thought as when I pressed ‘Play’ nothing was appearing on the TV screen except what looked like a lot of pyrotechnics, I tried other DVDs but got the same effects so yet another machine that needs repairing and I went to bed in the evening feeling extremely dejected. According to Sumi I was dead asleep by 7pm but then only to be suddenly woken up by an almighty rattling noise and at first I could not detect where it was coming from but then realized it was emanating from the bedroom air conditioning unit that for some reason was repeatedly tuning its self on and of, I tied adjusting the settings but to no avail and had to turn the air conditioning off, so you’ve guessed it, something else that needs repair.
The next thing I remember was Sumi switching on the light and shaking me saying, wake up, wake up, its five o’clock we’ve missed morning prayers which meant that for the first time in many, many months I’d slept right through the night in fact if Sumi had not woken me I’m sure I would have slept longer. Once we were up, dressed and our morning walk out the way I sat at the computer but yet again only to be faced with same problems of accessing Yahoo and my Blog sites which sent me into a frenzy and I stormed into the bedroom shouting and crying… Sumi came rushing in asking ‘what’s wrong’ I tried explaining all the problems to her but all I kept saying was “Am I already dead, but don’t yet realize it” as I felt as though my every existence on the computer and life in general had been erased from the face of the earth which made Sumi burst into tears… once she had calmed me down and was explaining to the family about all the problems it materialized that on the Friday evening our son-in-law had been using the computer and internet to open up an E-mail account in his own name but wasn’t happy with the computers settings and configurations so decided to change everything ‘without asking or telling me’ or bothering to put the computer back to my settings once he’d finished!
It’s made me recognize even more that no matter how much I try to explain the effects of my condition, even to my dear family, they still cannot comprehend just what’s happening within my brain and the ultimate consequences… and as I lay in the dark hours of Sunday night I reflected back that at the age of fifty-nine I became to be old and recall how aghast I was that something within me was slowly sinking, was dying away, and how I’d felt like a husband that had no tenderness or esteem for his beloved wife and I recall saying to Sumi that whatever scenes of desolation lay ahead of us I’d never feared one more brutal than this illness, yet I promised her that I would fight on for my life to be at her side… but I could bring to it nothing more than the importunate acquiescence of determination as we walked together along a new pathway of life into what I call… (The winters of my discontent)
Apart from that I’ve been having a good weekend… the computers sorted out… and back under my control!
Barry
