1. sony

    sony Registered User

    Hey everyone,

    Sorry I haven’t been able to keep up with the messages, I’m in my final year of a HND so I’m quite busy! Sorry, to hear some of you are having a bad time at the minute.

    Well, my granny saw her dementia consultant a few weeks ago, her score has dropped from 17 to 13 in 4 months! So, social services came out to assess my grandmother again yesterday, and they couldn’t believe how much she’s deteriorated. The man that came out, Cathal, said she is in the advanced stages, whereas my Mum thought she was still moderate. My grandad (who isn’t keen on support) left the room and hid in the dining room while it was all going on. Then once the assessment was finished Cathal called my Mum and Grandad into the kitchen and categorically told my Grandad that if my Mum wasn’t looking after my Granny that she would be in a nursing home and that there will come a point when my Mum won’t be able to cope anymore. So, they’re offering 7 hours per week and 2 baths. Which my grandad agreed with.....yesterday. He rang at 9am this morning (we have caller display and my Mum nearly had a heart attack coz he was ringing so early - she thought something was wrong). But he said “no, nothings wrong I was just wondering if you’d already arranged that home help thing”, and my Mum said “no I haven’t why are you asking?” and he said “I’ve changed my mind I don’t want it anymore”!!! I mean, how stubborn can you be?!! It's his pig-headedness that's causing my Mum to be stressed out and he's also not helping my grandmother. He has a thing in his head that home-helps are all bad people that could steal from you, etc.!

    Plus, the other thing is my Mum and Dad are going on a well deserved holiday at the end of March, therefore, my Granny will be without her carer for a week. I’m not really in the position to do anything during the week as I’m at college but I will gladly do it at the weekend when I’m home. My Mum has 5 brothers and 1 sister but it will be an absolute battle to get them to do anything since they lead “very important lives and have very important jobs”!! In reality they’ll only have to do one day each coz I’ll do Saturday and Sunday but they’ll still moan about it! They’ll probably also complain about my Mum going away but if they had to do what she does for 50 weeks of the year they’d need a holiday too! My Mum and Dad could go on holidays 3/4 times a year if they wanted but because of the situation with my granny they can’t.


    Sorry for venting on you all! Thanks for listening!

    Lots of Love
    Sony :confused:
     
  2. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Hi Sony and welcome back!
    It is understandable - though panic-inducing.

    It is such a difficult decision to let go, and one simply wants to do all that one can - by oneself - for as long as it is possible.

    The difficult time [of a million difficult times with dementia] is at the point where it is becoming, or has already really become, too much. The urge to keep going just that bit longer is immense.

    What happens is that, when some degree of 'control' has been taken over by someone else, it suddenly becomes apparent just what a strain things have become. If that is taken over for some time, then panic sets in at the thought of having to take over again. Or, after having taken over again, one realises that the job is just too much.

    But it is the first time that is hardest, because, deep down, one realises that life may never be the same again. Even if bad, that 'badness' is familiar, and anything else is scary.

    Also, deep down, one normally realises that it is going to happen sometime.

    It's not stubbornness or pigheadedness.... it's love.

    Treat him gently; he is scared stiff and in his own hell at present. Try and wean him into accepting help a little at a time. That way he will become accustomed to trusting those who help.

    Finally, reassure him that he will still have his wife around. That goes for the time she is still at home, but also if she needs to move into a nursing home. She will still be there, and caring does not stop when you are not doing all the hands-on stuff yourself.

    Best of luck
     

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