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The Time has Come

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
89
New Zealand
I wanted to keep MH at home for as long as possible, but I think I've finally hit rock bottom. My own health is suffering. Some of you will have read the behaviour patterns MH has developed and today he actually displayed violence towards me. For 3 days he has let our dog out and in the end I put padlocks on all the gates. Then I found his bolt cutters and locked them away. Today I heard him hammering at something and went outside to find him trying to remove one of the padlocks. I've told him that we have to have the padlocks because if the dog gets out again, the council will fine us $500. (I'm an expert liar these days)! It didn't make any difference. He got really angry when I said the padlocks have to stay there. I removed the padlock on one of the gates, but later on, I heard more knocking and found him actually taking the gate latch off the post completely which would cause major problems. I said in a calm voice that the latch had to stay on the post. He responded by snarling at me to get out of the way and lunged towards me, intending to give me a good shove. Fortunately, I side-stepped quickly enough, but came straight inside and rang a rest home I've had my eye on for a while. I think it's time - before things get any worse.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,646
N Ireland
Hello @Pusskins , it's important to deal with this development and also protect yourself. A chat with the GP is a good start.

There's a Factsheet about this issue and in the hope that you can get some advice from it here's a link to it https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

I have often seen it advised to have a safe room, with a safe exit, available and keep a phone to hand in case help needs to be summoned.

This may seem like a step too far. However, I have read that it can be useful to report any physical assault to the police as they will record that and this can be useful as a paper trail if you ever seek assistance from Social Services in the future.

If you want to talk it through with anyone the experts on the help line can be good,. just click this link for details

Live on-line advice is also available in the UK and you can see the details of that if you follow this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline/live-online-advice
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,775
South East
Hi @Pusskins , I would say hide all his tools but really that probably isn’t practical and also doesn’t solve all the problems. I see @karaokePete has given you good advice so I’m backing that up, please keep a charged mobile on you at all times , seems a bit OTT but better safe than sorry . If you know the time has come then that’s the right thing to do . Hope you can get him in and settled soon . Take care .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,645
South coast
It sounds like the time has come to me too. If hes going to resort to violence when he cant do what he wants, then you are in danger. I know you nearly moved him previously, but changed your mind. Please go through with it this time. I hope you manage to move him into this care home - a managed moved is a much better outcome than a crisis move because you are in hospital.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
89
New Zealand
Thank you, @canary . I have made an appointment with the rest home for us to go and look it over next Thursday. They have a vacancy, but I'm thinking perhaps a week's respite first might be a good way to introduce him to this new environment. There is plenty of outside space and external doors are not locked as the perimeter is securely fenced. I do wish I didn't have to make this decision, but I am exhausted.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,645
South coast
No-one wants to make this decision @Pusskins , but sometimes its in the best interest of both the carer and the person with dementia.

Can you book it as respite with a view to it becoming permanent? Its really not a good idea to keep bringing him backwards and forwards between home and the care home as it would be very disruptive and confusing for him. You wont be able to "ease him in gently" because he cant retain the information, so often a clean break is best, even if that sounds cruel and harsh. Its no good trying to defer the decision - just go with it.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
683
This must be very hard for you @Pusskins but I think anyone reading your posts will agree that you are right and now is indeed the time.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
386
It does seem you’ve made the only decision possible @Pusskins.
I glad you’re able to visit the care home, that’s not being allowed at the ones I’ve contacted.
Hope all goes well and that you stay strong.
 

Gorgeous Gail

Registered User
Apr 17, 2020
74
Hi @Pusskins I agree with everything that has already been said on here. As heart breaking as it is, you have to do what is best for the health and safety of your OH and yourself. Sending lots of luck and best wishes to you.
 

Hazara8

Registered User
Apr 6, 2015
534
I wanted to keep MH at home for as long as possible, but I think I've finally hit rock bottom. My own health is suffering. Some of you will have read the behaviour patterns MH has developed and today he actually displayed violence towards me. For 3 days he has let our dog out and in the end I put padlocks on all the gates. Then I found his bolt cutters and locked them away. Today I heard him hammering at something and went outside to find him trying to remove one of the padlocks. I've told him that we have to have the padlocks because if the dog gets out again, the council will fine us $500. (I'm an expert liar these days)! It didn't make any difference. He got really angry when I said the padlocks have to stay there. I removed the padlock on one of the gates, but later on, I heard more knocking and found him actually taking the gate latch off the post completely which would cause major problems. I said in a calm voice that the latch had to stay on the post. He responded by snarling at me to get out of the way and lunged towards me, intending to give me a good shove. Fortunately, I side-stepped quickly enough, but came straight inside and rang a rest home I've had my eye on for a while. I think it's time - before things get any worse.
There comes a time when learned tactics and the necessity to react contrary to what instinct dictates, do not resolve paranoia or are unable to address the spontaneity of brain changes, which might be marked by other factors - pain or infection et al. It is hard a decision and " best interests " so often seems to sidetrack the emotional attachment of the Carer which can be intensely challenging.

But you do not want the kind of "meltdown " whereby the situation becomes one of acute despair and uncontrollable and 'emergency ' measures come into imminent play. These moments can arise without forwarning. The transition into Care is a psychological hurdle for the Carer. From a personal standpoint it was wholly appropriate for my late mother and the Care was excellent and the earlier experiences just a painful memory in the dementia journey.