The time for Father to go to assisted living home

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Clark, Feb 28, 2008.

  1. Clark

    Clark Registered User

    Feb 28, 2008
    My husband and I have been taking care of father in our home for two years. He has gotten to the point where we can't leave him alone any more. We both work still. We have some one to come in the afternoons because he sleeps most of the the time. He is now between moderate severe to severe stage. To spare the details We finally took him in to a specialist and confirm what my husband has been saying. It's not if but when, Meaning the dementia we can't control and knowing where our limits are and the resources. This is hard and draining on us. We decided father has to move where he can be safe. We need our life and house back.
    I hope this is thread is in the right spot. I kind of feel sad that we can't help him at our house anymore. I feel we betrayed him.
    Has anyone else have this happen?
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Welcome to TP.

    Deep breaths now. You have not betrayed anybody, least of all dad.

    The journey ahead of you will be hard enough, without you being hard on yourselves.

    Many, here on TP, have found themselves in a similar position to yourself. Without knowing all your circumstances, it sounds as though you will now be looking for a suitable care home for dad, to enable him to have the extra assistance he needs 24/7.

    You do not say whether you will be self funding or assisted.
    Either way I hope that you find something suitable for dad.
    Please don't let the Guilt Monster eat away at you.
  3. 117katie

    117katie Guest

    Dear Clark

    Please remember that you both have provided solid support for 2 years, and you will continue to provide solid support for father for as long as you both can.

    Yes, we have been where you are now. We had similar but different decisions to make - not choices, but decisions as we saw it, because there was no choice available = for us ... no alternative, but just reasoned, thought-through decision-making.

    And in the best interests of us all.

    Not what was best for us solely, or best for him/her solely, but what was best for ALL OF US. In the long term. And yes, we did feel that we were part of that decision-making process, because our life was also involved. As is your life. You are not betraying father, and you are guaranteed to be sad that you cannot continue with that which is.

    So, having done all the thinking, now you need to do the "next-stage thinking", not just for father but for you two also.

    Wishing you all the best.

  4. christine_batch

    christine_batch Registered User

    Jul 31, 2007
    Dear Clark,
    There comes a time when we have to do certain things and it is not an easy thing to do or go through.

    When 24/7 Care is needed, it is for the best interest of our loved one.

    Guilt is something we are go through but at the end of the day,deep down we know we are doing the right thing for our loved one.

    Wishing you all the best
  5. Scoop

    Scoop Registered User

    Nov 20, 2006
    We are bang in the same place as you at the moment, Dad is an assessment at the moment and it feels awful. Everyone that has been though this though has felt the same and I have taken some comfort from the fact we are not alone.

    Good luck with it

  6. rhallacroz

    rhallacroz Registered User

    Sep 24, 2007
    No Beat yourself up

    Hi Clark
    You have done so well caring for dad for 2 years and working full time is not easy. I have just read a book called life coaching. The thing I remember most is one of the chapters said Be your own Best Friend. In other words befriend yourself. That means talk to yourself as if you were talking to your best friend. You have done a wonderful job for so long. I understand how you feel we are all in the same boat I think there are very few people who can endure this journey to the bitter end at home. I think there comes a time when we have to resort to other people. I am probably not far behind you but it is awful. Has your dad done respite yet. That is probably a good place to start.
    Take care
    Angela x
  7. DeborahBlythe

    DeborahBlythe Registered User

    Dec 1, 2006
    #7 DeborahBlythe, Feb 29, 2008
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2008
    Dear Clark, I agree with everything that has been posted here. One thing strikes me from your post however, and that is the use of the phrase 'assisted living'.

    I would advise you to look at the AS factsheets on the main site about choosing care homes (whether with nursing) or not and in particular about firstly getting a community care assessment for your father so that you are clear about what his current needs are. Your GP or Social Services should be involved to start this procedure off regardless of whether your father would be ultimately be 'self-funding' or not.

    My concern about the phrase 'Assisted Living' is that one particular provider of care with which I am familiar offering 'Assisted Living' did not actually have official registration as a care home, because of a loophole that they exploited. So their services were not inspected, and when residents' care needs changed or intensified, they were able to step back very deftly and say they were not able to support the resident further and new provision should be sought. What I am saying is that ideally you should try to find properly registered care homes through the inspector's website

    Care homes whether residential or with nursing attached which arenot registered to take people with dementia will not accept him, except in a few circumstances. You also need to find out if he qualifies for nursing cost subsidy.

    I hope this isn't too confusing. If so, I will gladly PM you with further details of the care provider which I am referring to.

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