This post is taken from a private message I wrote to connie, in response to her very kindly checking in on me, enquiring if everthing was alright seeing as I had been absent from TP a lot of late. I thought I'd just post it, so others can know that they are not alone, when feeling the same kind of emotions i was having today...so here tis:
Just got back to my partner's business after visiting Dad and for no real reason, other than the one all of us on here understand (i.e. this disease sucks) am all teary. Somedays it just hits u again, don't it? Husband is busy with a client at the moment so I thought I would sit on his computer until his shoulder was again available to cry on.
Have been absent a lot of late, not for any good reason but because my new job not being shift work means I am at work Mon-Fri 8.30am-5pm at least and so far, those hours have been more like 8am to 6.30pm...which is probably the reason why I am teary, its making it very hard for me to keep up my daily visits. I mean I am still visiting Dad, but the home locks its doors at 6p.m., and Dad is generally in bed by 6pm (shockingly early I know but thats how they work) so each night I am knocking on the doors to be let in and out and then instead of an hour of walking around with Dad, he's generally lying in bed or just, well he just doesn't seem so energetic in the evenings. Then there is the problem of dealing with the worry of not being there for him during the day, worrying that he won't be getting enough walking in with me absent during the day, worry that he will fade away as I have seen others in the home do, when they have few visitors, and then there is just the fact that I want to be there with him, share laughs with him, walk with him. Lastly there is the whole dark selfish side that just wishes it was all over and doesn't want to visit at all. Well its not really that I don't want to visit Dad, its that I don't want to feel the pain, deal with the pain that visits bring because they make the denial of his existence in this horrible state impossible.
Oh and I went to the dentist today and it sound like I may have to have a root canal performed as well as $1500 worth of other work! Miserable day. Did I mention that its raining??!! On my head it seems!
Anyway point of my whole message is that, I'm feeling rather stressed at the moment just trying to manage my time so that I can fit in visits to Dad let alone, get a chance to sit on TP for a bit. Also I appreciate you message asking after me, its nice to know when people care and believe me the sentiment is returned.
Last of all, after reading this message I might just post some of it in TP so don't get confused when you read it again...I think my feelings probably reflect a lot of what others go through as well, and might help some realise its not just them, if I post it.
Bye for now, the shoulder is just about to become available,