The stresses of caring

jc141265

Registered User
Sep 16, 2005
836
45
Australia
This post is taken from a private message I wrote to connie, in response to her very kindly checking in on me, enquiring if everthing was alright seeing as I had been absent from TP a lot of late. I thought I'd just post it, so others can know that they are not alone, when feeling the same kind of emotions i was having today...so here tis:

Dearest Connie,

Just got back to my partner's business after visiting Dad and for no real reason, other than the one all of us on here understand (i.e. this disease sucks) am all teary. Somedays it just hits u again, don't it? Husband is busy with a client at the moment so I thought I would sit on his computer until his shoulder was again available to cry on. :rolleyes:

Have been absent a lot of late, not for any good reason but because my new job not being shift work means I am at work Mon-Fri 8.30am-5pm at least and so far, those hours have been more like 8am to 6.30pm...which is probably the reason why I am teary, its making it very hard for me to keep up my daily visits. I mean I am still visiting Dad, but the home locks its doors at 6p.m., and Dad is generally in bed by 6pm (shockingly early I know but thats how they work) so each night I am knocking on the doors to be let in and out and then instead of an hour of walking around with Dad, he's generally lying in bed or just, well he just doesn't seem so energetic in the evenings. :( Then there is the problem of dealing with the worry of not being there for him during the day, worrying that he won't be getting enough walking in with me absent during the day, worry that he will fade away as I have seen others in the home do, when they have few visitors, and then there is just the fact that I want to be there with him, share laughs with him, walk with him. Lastly there is the whole dark selfish side that just wishes it was all over and doesn't want to visit at all. :( Well its not really that I don't want to visit Dad, its that I don't want to feel the pain, deal with the pain that visits bring because they make the denial of his existence in this horrible state impossible.

Oh and I went to the dentist today and it sound like I may have to have a root canal performed as well as $1500 worth of other work! :( Miserable day. :mad: Did I mention that its raining??!! On my head it seems!

Anyway point of my whole message is that, I'm feeling rather stressed at the moment just trying to manage my time so that I can fit in visits to Dad let alone, get a chance to sit on TP for a bit. Also I appreciate you message asking after me, its nice to know when people care and believe me the sentiment is returned.

Last of all, after reading this message I might just post some of it in TP so don't get confused when you read it again...I think my feelings probably reflect a lot of what others go through as well, and might help some realise its not just them, if I post it.

Bye for now, the shoulder is just about to become available,

Take care,

Nat
 

Brucie

Registered User
Jan 31, 2004
12,413
near London
Hi Nat,
so good to hear from you again, even when things are not at their best - in fact that's the best time to go on TP, as I'm sure you know.

Classic thing - I had thought to send you a PM, but didn't want to bother you. Forgot my own maxim - if you think of it, do it.

It is snowy/sleeting here today and cold, of course.

Everything you said in your post reflects how we all are at some stage or another. Brighter moments do come. Hang on in there!

Very best wishes
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Nat,

I confess. I also saw you On line earlier today and was going to send a PM but you were already sending a PM and I didn't want to intrude. Sorry. How I can empathise with a lot of what you say; thank you for having the guts to make it public. Don't you feel guilty when you have to get them to unlock the doors!?

I'll send a PM later. Take care.

Amy
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
Hi Nat

What can I say but the ubiquitous "Hugs"? Meant sincerely, nevertheless.

Don't think we weren't missing you! PM sent.

XxXxX
 

LynnB

Registered User
Feb 23, 2006
8
Billingham
I can really empathise with how you feel, I have the same problem, I look after my husband who has cancer (not terminal) and everytime I visit mum I end up crying and feeling dreadful when I leave, so then I don't visit for a while and end up crying because I feel guilty and I miss her (can't win whatever direction I go in) no easy answer to this one!

Maybe tomorrow we will all feel a little better and stronger .......
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
Birmingham Hades
Hi Nat
good to see you back,Iv'e missed you .
I am afraid I like Bruce, broke my own rule of "if you think you should do something ,do it"
I wish I had ,but I have been down a few black holes of late.
Best Wishes
Norman
 

jc141265

Registered User
Sep 16, 2005
836
45
Australia
Thanks for the replies guys,...appreciate it.

Norm, sorry to hear about those black holes, don't forget you (and anyone else) can also use pm's not just to let me know you care, but if you yourself need someone to talk to. I may not be posting of late, but I do briefly drop in at times just to check my messages and make sure everyone is still ok.

Brucie, have been reading some of your posts, and wise as they are, you sound like you need to be reminded of how hip and cool you really are so that you stop feeling so old and worn out! <hehehe> ;)

Connie, love your picture, you look like you sound in text, and thats a compliment!

Amy, good to see you are still posting, am a bit worried that people think you are so good at expressing things, I'll not be needed at all here soon! :eek:

Lynne, your hugs are always so good. Don't ever feel that they are not enough. Thanks for your PM too.

(By the way everyone, I wasn't having a dig at people not thinking of me, I never expected anyone to pm me, and only posted my reply to connie because being time strapped, I thought copying and pasting my words to her, would be quicker than trying to rewrite it all in another context.)

LynnB, everyday we get stronger. We often don't realise it, we often feel like we are about to break into a million pieces we are so fragile, but don't you doubt it, you, me and everyone else on here, is getting stronger everyday. (and u having to deal with 2 tragedies simultaneously, must be almost superhuman soon) Even though we don't feel like we are strong now, I believe when these bad days are past, we will have been left with the strength gained over the years. I only hope that there is a good reason behind why I needed to learn to be so strong, I've decided to place my faith in such a thought, and accept that this pain is necessary now for some greater good in the future. Silly thoughts perhaps, but its all about finding something to get you through this, and I guess this my way. <shrug> :rolleyes: Oh and by the way, for those who are thinking, oh who the hell does she thing she is, yoda or something?? Don't worry, on another bad day if someone suggested to me that this was all fate and I should just have faith and accept, I'd probably rip their throat out!!! :eek: :D

Bye for now,

Nat
 
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Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
Suffolk,England
:D :p Hee hee, Nat, a.k.a. 'Yoda'? :eek:
Nooooooo, Somehow I don't think so ...

Now if you had said Wooky ... <<grin>>
 
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DickG

Registered User
Feb 26, 2006
558
84
Stow-on-the-Wold
Getting Stronger

Hi Nat

This is my first time responding so forgive me if I talk a load of rubbish.

I too believed that I was getting stronger - after five years of caring for my wife I hit a brick wall and had a period of depression. This was a nasty shock to me as I am an invincible man! Don't get me wrong, I believe that this experience does make us stonger but not invincible so take care and be true to yourself.

I was told many years ago (when I was still invincible and indeed immortal) that "Your darkest hour is only sixty minutes long" this thought has helped me through many fraught times.

My thoughts are with you

Dick
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Dick,
I think that is a brilliant first response, and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Amy
 

Nutty Nan

Registered User
Nov 2, 2003
790
Buckinghamshire
Dick, that sounds like a good way of reminding ourselves that even the tough times pass.
Just lately, I seem to get stuck in whatever the mood of the moment: when things are going well, I wonder whether the bad stuff was just part of a nightmare, and that, surely, it's not that bad and we can manage and sing and smile --- and then, when it all goes 'tilt' again, it feels as though the more enjoyable moments will never come back and it's all doom and gloom. Such a roller-coaster!

I'll try and remember the 60 minutes .....
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
I am realty new to this site

& have been reading all posts above, I have hit a wall & find it hard to cover it up anymore am crying a lot & trying to stop thinking of me all the time , see it from mums point of view , think of other things but still the tear drop from no where, some time I get scared & think I am cracking up & just want to sleep it away ,but then get nightmares .

Can someone please tell me what is the 60 minutes ?
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
Fed up of late fed up of crying in front of my children, them seeing me so low, they want to see me happy when all I want to do is scream from the roof top why why ,why & even if I don’t know why I well fell better just screaming it all out ,I try to control those emotion to make every one happy around me & all I want is fate to stop
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Margarita,
Nutty Nan was referring back to Dick's posting where he said
"Your darkest hour is only sixty minutes long"
. What it is saying is that even the bad times have an ending, they won't go on for ever.
It is OK for your children to see you cry. I remember from a previous posting that they are young adults now. It is OK to be sad and confused and angry and resentful of this illness. It is OK to grieve for your mum. We all hit the wall at some time, but we help each other get up and brush ourselves down, and go on again. Our children have to learn that there are things in life that make us very sad, but that sadness and grief does not overwhelm and conquer us completely.

I also think that coming on to this site makes you face up to what is happening and what may yet come, so although it is a support, it can be painful as well.

Cry if you need. I am sure there are a lot of us who cry over our keyboards! As Nan said, it is a rollercoaster, at the moment you are swooping down, but you will climb again.

Take care.
Amy
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
london
Amy your so right when you say

I also think that coming on to this site makes you face up to what is happening and what may yet come, so although it is a support, it can be painful as well.

& all those emotion, that I have not want to face our hitting me right now & my brain is going on over drive, yes like a rollercoaster , but glad I am facing them now ,& learning & understanding with all your support ,that I am not alone I felt today that I better put the brakes on that rollercoaster ,& said no not going on this site for a few weeks as I felt embarrassed with that out baste above ,but felt so much better this moring letting it all out .

Yes my kids our young adults, just that my mother when i was younger & a Teenager never showed her emotion grife when it happen to her mum as in crying in front of me, I suppose because she had my dad around.

Anyway hear I am so much for not coming ,back bless you all & thanks .
 

Amy

Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
3,453
Hiya Margarita,
So pleased that you are feeling better. Don't be embarassed by the outburst, we all need to vent our feelings, and this is a safe place to do it. No one judges, no one is shocked.
Take care.
Amy
 

jc141265

Registered User
Sep 16, 2005
836
45
Australia
To Dick

Dick,

I know what you are saying when you said:
I too believed that I was getting stronger - after five years of caring for my wife I hit a brick wall and had a period of depression. This was a nasty shock to me as I am an invincible man!
Don't worry I wasn't being naive....I have had periods of feeling strong and like I was coping followed by such brick wall moments/periods as you mentioned as well. I think that comes with the territory. My talking about getting stronger was meant in a collective way, over time after, hitting a wall, then getting up and going on, hitting a wall, getting up again, we can't help but get stronger...its a precarious 'stronger' though indeed, and we never know if the next brick wall is going to be too much for us, but in the big scheme of things, when it comes to other life experiences, I do believe this one will make us better able to cope with other things that could happen to us. A quick example, had I not had this experience with Dad, I don't think I could have coped if I had a disabled child,....now I know if that happened to me, I could.

Kinda like what you also said:
I believe that this experience does make us stonger but not invincible so take care and be true to yourself.
So thanks for your comments...
 

jc141265

Registered User
Sep 16, 2005
836
45
Australia
To Margarita

Oh Margarita!

have hit a wall & find it hard to cover it up anymore am crying a lot & trying to stop thinking of me all the time , see it from mums point of view , think of other things but still the tear drop from no where, some time I get scared & think I am cracking up & just want to sleep it away ,but then get nightmares
Just wanted to let know that I suffered insomnia for 3 years, was always (and often still am but nowadays I don't fight it, and funnily enough its easier to control when you're not scared of it/embarassed by it/trying to hold it in) crying, scolded myself all of the time for being selfish and self-absorbed, what were my problems compared to others, compared to my father's, compared to my mothers, compared to those people you see on the news in terrible situations. Felt like I was cracking up, and in a way I guess I was. Eventually I went and sought couselling with a psychologist, and the most freeing thing she said to me was that what I was feeling was completely normal under the circumstances, so now when I suffer from crying, or stress, or insomnia, I at least have the relief of knowing I'm not weak, or overly selfish, or lacking in self control, I'm just human, trying to come to terms with and deal with a horrendous situation. You need to know that too, I think.

Also my step-daughter has seen me in tears a few times over Dad, and I pretty much tell her not to worry about me, I just get upset sometimes over Dad, but I'll be alright and she seems to be okay about it. I figure its good for her to see that it is okay to cry if the situation warrants it, that 'losing control' with tears, does not need to mean that one necessarily 'loses control' of anything else. Like you say, it helps if you have someone else to cry around, but even husbands who never knew your parent can be not much help, so I vent on here, or I watch sappy movies alone and just let myself bawl my eyes out!! This can be scarey for some though because they are scared that once they start they may not stop...for me it is therapeutic, its like letting off some steam, leaves me feeling calmer and more rational for a while.

So hugs to you, don't feel alone, don't feel embarassed about saying how you are really feeling because I think its very brave and also I suspect it helps so many others to know that others feel the same way, so many of us have been trained not to talk about such things!

Thinking of you,
 

noelphobic

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
3,452
Liverpool
jc141265 said:
Dick,

. A quick example, had I not had this experience with Dad, I don't think I could have coped if I had a disabled child,....now I know if that happened to me, I could.

QUOTE]


If you were unfortunate enough to have a disabled child then you would cope because you had to! However, my son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 15 and I find that much harder to deal with than my mum's health problems - not on a practical level, if anything it is easier, - but on an emotional level.