The strangest of things

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by Flake, Apr 7, 2017.

  1. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    Mums funeral was on Wednesday 5th. The entry music was not what I requested and what Mum had specifically wanted but it was too late to say anything until after the service. Apart from that slight glitch the service was lovely. .
    Amongst the mourners was my Cousin (she is my Mums sisters daughter) whom I hadnt seen for many years

    After the Wake we decided to go back to the Crematorium and Cemetery to look for our Mothers' Guardian, which we didnt find. What we did find was the grave of our great grandparents laying face down in a very old part of the cemetery. I had remembered from many years ago going to the Cemetery with my Mum who was looking for her Mums grave and this was what we were looking for. We both felt what we can only describe as an intense coldness.

    After further investgation it appears that this a a plot of 5. Both our great grandparents, two young babies and our Grandmother. As these plots have now become unowned, we are considering buying one plot so that we will always have a family bond, and I would like my ashes put there one day.

    My Mum wants her ashes put in with my Father at a local Church Their grounds have become very modern with row upon row of stones in a very stark small field.There are no trees or greenery apart from the older part. My Dads ashes are next to a pathway with his memorial plaque on a wall set apart. I am wondering if my Mum would like her and my Dads ashes put in the Cemetery with her Mum and what will now become a family plot.

    I know my Mum just wanted to be with my Dad and he had no sentimental ties to the Church and I just dont know what to do for the best.

    I knows its early days and I am finally starting the grieving process, but I would love to visit both my Mum and Dad and now my old family in a lovely peaceful woodland setting.

    Has anyone got any ideas on this ?.
  2. Watermelon

    Watermelon Registered User

    Jan 25, 2017
    #2 Watermelon, Apr 8, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2017
    My first thought is: Do you want to/can you move your father there?
    Personally, I've always believed that whatever the person wanted is what should be done with them. If she prefered her husband, I would honor her wishes. We all should have the right to choose for ourself. Would you want your children to go against your wishes?

    Perhaps someone else out there has a better idea?

    May you find the answer that will bring you peace.
  3. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    The question to be asked is whether it was your Dad's wish to have his ashes placed where they are or not.

    I personally think the idea of the family plot sounds much nicer and I always think final resting places are much more about those left behind than those who have passed.

    I think the strong family connection with this particular plot changes things a lot for you and if your family have no specific objections, I think it is worth thinking about.

    I live opposite a cemetery and walk the dog there frequently. The older areas have a charm that the newer areas don't and definitely have a different feel about them.

    Unless your Dad had really strong ideas about his final resting place, I'd go with your idea as I think it has a wonderful sense of continuity which is what a family means.
  4. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    Thank you to you both.

    My Dad was not a religious person at all and I was very surprised that my Mum chose to put his ashes in the Church grounds. I do think at the time she found strength from that source. Later she became very anti religion and eventually stopped going to the Church. Her funeral wishes were written not long after my Dad has died.

    My mum and I went to look for her Mothers grave many years ago and couldnt find it as it was unmarked and the over turned stone was then too heavy to lift. My Mum always said that as a little girl she was taken to the Cemetery with her Father and always remembered a very large stone angle monument which is sill there and overlooks the plot. That is how my Cousin and I found it.

    As my Mums dementia took hold of her mind she would always talk about the past ( as seems the way) and always missed her Mum who died when she was very young and especially her Dad (who remarried and went to live with his new wife). I do think her Husband, my Dad is who she wants to be with, but if her ashes are put with him, there will be no mark as plaques are not allowed on that part but on the wall much farther down.

    Im not going to dong anything in a rush, but thank you for your comments xx
  5. nellbelles

    nellbelles Volunteer Host

    Nov 6, 2008
    I think you need expert advice on this, apparently ashes are considered the same as as a burial and I think you may find your need special permission from the church to move them.

    I could be mistaken but I would hate you to make plans and then find it's not possible.

    I want my ashes interred in our family grave but it is classed as full, 2 funerals and 3 cremations, so as a plot for 5 it is technically full, my brother says he will dig a hole and tip my ashes in!

    It is all so complicated isn't it.
  6. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    Thank you. That thought had crossed my mind but I will make enquiries. If it is not possible then I will put my Mum with my Dad and so be it.

    Nothing is ever easy ! x x
  7. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    I would definitely make enquiries. It may be more "do-able", or the authorities may be more amenable to the plan when (a) it's ashes and not a body, so no real risk of contamination, and (b) you are simply wanting to place them in an existing family plot. It's not like you have any outlandish plans. I hope you do manage it. My husband is in a very old graveyard, accessed down a long tree lined avenue, and he's buried right next to an ancient, ivy covered stone wall. It's right in the city, but you'd never know it, all you can hear in there is the birds singing in the trees. I know he liked it, because he asked years ago where he would be buried, and wanted to see. I find it really comforting, knowing that he liked it. It's very peaceful.
  8. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    I asked today at the Cemetery and I will have to apply to the Department of Justice, the Church and to the Bishop. I have to have exceptional circumstances for the ashes to be moved, so I may try and say that it is a family plot (although not my Dads) and see what happens. At the moment I am just going to think about it as it is such early days since my Mums passing. I just wish she was here so I could ask her :( xx
  9. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    A friend put her mother's ashes in a church plot, with her father's, but getting permission was costly, and they weren't sure if it would be granted, so they went at dusk, dug a hole and put them in, a bit like Nellbelles brother's suggestion.

    It is so complicated.
  10. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    I think the problem here though, JM, is not just the interment of Flake's mum's ashes. There wouldn't be a problem having those put in the family plot. The problem is in getting permission to have her dad's ashes exhumed from where her mum had them buried so he can be re-buried with her mum in the family plot.
  11. Flake

    Flake Registered User

    Mar 9, 2015
    An Update

    I have made enquiries and it is a long and potentially expensive process to get my Dads ashes exhumed. I would need a Court Order and also permission from the Diocese. I also have to have an extremely good reason - not the fact that I dont like where the ashes are.
    There is also the fact that my Dads ashes may not be intact if he was placed in a wooden casket which may now have rotted and that moving what is left could make it worse. I have therefore decided to put my Mum in with my Dad when the ashes actually arrive back from the Crematorium. Didnt think it would be easy and it isnt x x

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