The realisation of loss

[Ferrit44]

Today I watched my wife walking around the garden picking up wet leaves still in her PJs and finally understood that she’s lost to me forever now,

The intelligent practical girl I married has morphed into something I don’t recognise, an accountant that no longer understands the basic workings of our financial affairs,

a great cook who can no longer make the simplest meal, who wanders around the house with £40 in her bra because someone might steal it, but still refuses to get help,



This morning I just couldn’t take it anymore and broke down and I can’t speak to her about why, because she thinks there’s nothing wrong and doesn’t understand, I’ve had to be on my own to try to recover myself,

It’s breaking my spirit along with my heart.

 

[Whisperer]

Please see my post below. Sorry error when posting My reply.

 

[Whisperer]

Dear @Ferrit44

Please take those precious moments on your own. Just take the time to let go. I care for my mum and in different ways I can relate to your sense of the losses, different to your own but still there. Crucially you are so right when you mention about not being able to speak to your wife, because to her there is nothing wrong. I know that feeling only to well. So much flows from that simple attitude, which just makes caring all the harder. At moments like yours today it does not help if someone gives you a medical name to explain her response. It still hurts those around the PWD, it still means they cannot deal with some issues without destroying further an already damaged relationship of love and trust. You go with the flow, knowing you will always be playing catch up, but trying to help your loved one within what they will accept. Reduced capacity but no doubt legally still having capacity.

I am not sure I can say anything to ease your emotional upset in this moment. Sometimes you just have to close your eyes and let the emotions and upset roll over you. Dementia is a cruel illness, the PWD often unaware of how much has been lost. For partners and those looking out for loved ones the grief and pain is very real. Whether you call it anticipatory grief or just say it hurts like hell, the result is the same. Unless you have walked that path for a while I do not believe the outside world really gets it. I would not have done so in a meaningful and insightful way a few short years ago.

Do you have anyone you can speak to? Family, neighbours, friends? Would contacting the Alzheimer’s society help line do any good? I only propose such things to consider. We are all different, react in different ways to events, how we cope with them. Others may have other suggestions. I just saw your post had come in recently, it really struck a chord with me and I could not just move on without trying in some way to help you.

Finally in case you maybe thinking talking to others is a betrayal of your wife please understand it is not. Your wife needs you more than ever, even if she is unaware of that fact. To help her you must be okay as best you can be. Talking in any form including here will help you. That in turn will help your wife. Took me a while to accept that and move with it. Please forgive me if I am talking to the already knowing on that point. It just that feeling of betrayal is very common amongst carers. All the best and I hope your few moments alone worked for you today and on future days.

 

[Izzy]

It’s so hard @Ferrit44. I just wanted to say thinking of you and wishing you strength.

 

[jennifer1967]

it must be awful. but you need to release the emotions rather than pent up and explode out of all proportion later on down the line. it would be much harder to get back into control. it feels to me like a rolling grieving process and each part you lose that needs to be grieved for before the next bit. what im trying to say in an awkward way is that all the losses are grieved for way before the end grief. it could be one tiny thing and it sets me off trying not to do it in front of him. my grown up kids are discovering there is something wrong and im trying to manage their grief and questions as well. when i went into hospital, they had to look after him more and theyve made discoveries of their own and they are shocked as well. have you got the shared grief with others? its hard on all involved like ripples in a stream.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

For me, the hardest part of this disease was losing my mother in bits and pieces, as you describe. It was particularly difficult when she would do something incredibly out of character.

I hope you have someone you can talk to frankly and freely. People can be very understanding - they may not be going through the same journey but can be empathetic.

 

[Grannie G]

Recognition of the deterioration is the hardest of all.

For a while, while the deterioration isn`t too obvious, we can go along with it. When reality hits home and we realise there is nothing we can do to make things better, it is painful.

Your tears are understood here @Ferrit44

 

[Bunpoots]

That’s so sad @Ferrit44 I'm sure many of us here recognise that pain.

 

[lemonbalm]

A poignant post @Ferrit44 and one that is so well understood here, where so many hearts are breaking piece by piece. We will be thinking of you.

 

[Jale]

Wish I had wise words to offer but I'm sorry I don't - but what others have said is right. Have you tried contacting Admiral Nurses, even if they are not active in your area I think there is a national phone number available, I hope that someone with more experience than me can help.

 

[Gorgeous Gail]

Such a sad post @Ferrit44 but one that I can fully understand.

You really need to let your emotions out and not hold them in. As anyone on here will tell you, as the carer you need to consider your own health and wellbeing just as much as your OH.

I obviously don't know which part of the Country you are in but having recently admitted that I am not coping, I have spoken to Social Services and they have given me lots of information in relation to courses that I can attend and also some counselling which may help. You do not need to do this on your own, there is lots of help out there, you just need to ask.

Take care and sending a virtual hug.