1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

The past years feel like a surreal dream and I still can't take it all in yet

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by SarahL, Jun 14, 2015.

  1. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Does anyone feel like this? My Mum is in a CH now and although I'm still caring and going in every other day, I am adjusting to all the very bad and sad times and the depression I've lived with throughout the years. It feels like I've lived another life and I can't understand fully what's happened. It feels like post traumatic anxiety and I truly don't know how I functioned with everything, doing it all alone and bringing up my daughter. I hope my daughter will be ok having had her childhood affected by it, although I have always done my best. I just wonder if anyone else feels this strange sort of feeling and maybe it is just coming to terms with what has been a very unpredictable life for many years, justifying myself continually and desperately needing support from the healthcare system whilst poor Mum got worse, culminating with her section into hospital. It's all like a terrible dream.
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,669
    Kent
    I sympathise with you Sarah.

    I don`t think many of us realise how much we cut ourselves off from the `real` world when we become a carer.

    Some do so because they get no relief from the responsibilities, and others , because they feel they no longer fit into an ordinary social gathering.

    Being a primary carer is all consuming even if those we are caring for are being cared for by others in a residential setting. We still feel the pain, we still need to keep smiling, we still want to visit. It`s impossible to make other commitments. It`s impossible to plan ahead. It`s tough.

    Your life has been on hold Sarah. I hope when you identify with this you will try to claw some of it back.

    Take care xx
     
  3. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    Hello Sarah, I know how you feel. My Mum moved to a CH recently and it feels like I am in recovery now. You have had a long struggle trying to keep going in terrible circumstances. I also look back and wonder how I managed to cope. I work full time and have 2 children. My life has been impacted in a terrible way and I almost lost my job as I could barely function at work.

    Be kind to yourself and try to live just for now. Stop looking at the past and having regrets or guilt as you did the best you could. Try not to imagine what the future will be because its impossible to predict. Your Mum is safe now and cared for. Take time back for yourself and your family and dont feel guilty about it. Your Mum if well would want you to be happy. We are all on your side here so keep posting if it helps you. It helps others who are not brave enough to post.
    Love quilty
     
  4. Demonica66

    Demonica66 Registered User

    Oct 23, 2014
    55
    Hi Sarah, I too, am going through this. Because my Mum is now in a CH, I have had chance to take a deep breath and reflect on what has happened. I too, can honestly say that the last few years have a nightmarish quality to them whereby I cannot understand how it occurred or how I managed to cope. But... I and you, and everyone here copes in our own way. We just do. It is almost an automatic response.

    I hope to finally and fully embrace the nightmare and know that I came through it. I'm learning that only I can do this; life threw something terribly frightening at you and yet, here you stand; a fabulous Mum and daughter and a survivor. Without realising it, you are probably a huge inspiration to others; your daughter included.
    Love to you. D x


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  5. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229

    Thank you so much, we are survivors on here together. x
     
  6. chrisdee

    chrisdee Registered User

    Nov 23, 2014
    171
    Yorkshire
    Sarah, I totally sympathise. I am normally quite an analytical type, but still feel bruised and a bit at sea after caring for Mum, with my brother and doing round trip of 26 miles per day for 4/5 days a week. Mum passed away 3 months ago, and although coping with this better now, perhaps we all look for answers and hope that those coming after us will not have such harrowing times. When Mum was in a home, for just six months, it felt like a half way house as there still seems so much to do. Have you thought about cutting down your visits to give yourself some me time? I'm finding gym/spa/shopping a release as I don't seem to be able to organise a diary of regular events!
     
  7. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    Hi there,
    I'm still in the mix of caring for my Mum who lives with us, and working full time. I seem to lurch from one type of disaster to the next with this Alzheimer's. I've just had to order new knickers for my mum, her briefs have disappeared, I'm assuming she's putting them in the bin, I can't find them and there's no 'odd' smell. She's also starting to accuse me of things, stealing her false teeth cleanser, taking her stuff - and now we have the 'I want to go home' obsession which is really draining.

    It is so stressful, unless you've experienced caring for someone with Alzheimer's you can't imagine how awful it is.

    At the moment, if someone asks me how I am, either I just casually lie, 'I'm fine' or I over share, when really all they want is, 'I'm fine'
     
  8. count2ten

    count2ten Registered User

    Dec 13, 2013
    186
    Agree with everything you said Grannie G, it is like living in a parallel world to everyone else who are all getting on with their lives, planning things, having a laugh, and it's like we're here with our faces pressed up against the window looking in (or out). My mother is currently in hospital after a serious stroke (I've posted about it on other threads here) and the roller coaster seems to go on and on. Just when you think you've got all of the plates balanced, one of them falls off and it all starts again. Thinking of you SarahL. xx
     
  9. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    257
    Norfolk
    Ditto to all that has been said. I'm trying to take deep breaths and remember what life was like before dementia took hold of my mum. I am still very involved in my mum's care in the home but realistically I dont think it can be any other way. Who would have imagined all our lives so dramatically changed by an illness that cannot be understood, by me anyway. All I know is that my new mum is happy and content in the care home and I will do all I can to keep it that way.
     
  10. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    It is hard to remember what life was like before dementia. Even though Mum is in CH now I feel like I want to retreat from the world and have done for a long time. I feel like I've gone mad myself with it and have definitely been depressed on and off. People in 'normal' life don't want to hear about it and cannot relate even when information is shared. I am an optimist and a survivor though and as time goes by believe we will all get stronger, forever changed though. Thanks for all your kind thoughts.
     
  11. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    220
    North East
    I feel the same. My Mum had dementia, went into care and passed away last year and my Dad now has Alzheimers and is in care. I am an only child but have a fantastic husband. I feel emotionally scarred and drained and I sometimes think I will never recover. I cannot imagine what life was like pre dementia. Most of all I miss my parents. The wonderful people who brought me up and were always there for me. Xx
     
  12. count2ten

    count2ten Registered User

    Dec 13, 2013
    186
    I can so relate to your comments SarahL, feeling like I've been going slowly mad for such a long time - Munch's "The Scream" springs to mind! But when I read other's stories on here, people who are doing this full time, holding down jobs and other family commitments, I don't know how you do it. Everyone here is such an inspiration to keep going and get on with it. Demonica66, your words are so true, it is like living through a nightmare, and we all have to find our own way to cope with it. But I feel like a completely different person now, I can't remember what kind of things I wasted my time on before this. How much your life and your priorities change, how you manage to scrape the last bit of energy from the bottom of the barrel, then get up the next day and start all over again. I'm so used to hearing people tell me I'm either going over the top, over reacting, interfering, or need to back off or calm down! Or all of them. So I've given up trying to please all of the people all of the time, it's easier to just gradually withdraw from "normal" life and focus on what has to be done. As for socialising, whatever that means, like most of us here so many things get cancelled at the last minute that it's easier to just not bother - but isn't it a bonus if you get a spontaneous moment of bliss, like a lone costa coffee with a newspaper or a wander round a garden centre , with no one bothering you for half an hour. Maybe someone should start a thread for suggested moments of bliss that we can all try out. Big group hug to all of us tonight.
     
  13. Lindy50

    Lindy50 Registered User

    Dec 11, 2013
    5,287
    Cotswolds
    What a wonderful thread this is, and how I identify with you all! It seems extraordinary that caring for one person ( my mum) can take up so much of my time and energy. And I really don't want to go to 'social' events.....they just make me feel more isolated. There is no end in view......and of course on another level, I absolutely don't want there to be an end, because then I would have lost mum forever. How's that for a double bind?

    This coming weekend, my hubby is going to the Waterloo celebrations ( who knew, lol!), and my younger daughter camping with her boyfriend. I could almost taste the relative peace to come ( no prioritising mum or others).....now my older daughter is coming up for the weekend, wants me to help her with wedding plans, a job application etc. I love her dearly......but my head hurts!!!
     
  14. carol4444

    carol4444 Registered User

    Feb 5, 2014
    109
    Couldn't agree more. Life has changed considerably and there is no going back to the way it was. Different priorities and a realisation of what is most important has led to a loss of some social situations and friends. It just seems too shallow to take part in. The gym/golf/garden has taken on a new priority ensuring that I remain strong both physically and mentally. This is important when caring for other souls. I also feel so guilty as I realise that a spouse cannot organise such outings as they are unable to leave a loved one at home alone. Carers that operate on a full time basis are truly wonderful and I can imagine how difficult it must be. Also, I concentrate on friends who are inspirational to me and who's company I really enjoy. The good things in life have become better as they are now valued and not taken for granted.
     
  15. Lulu

    Lulu Registered User

    Nov 28, 2004
    391
    Sarah I feel just as you do and all the replies you have had I can identify with so well. Lindy50 spot on with seeing no end yet wanting there to be no end, in fact what is written on this entire thread is spot on.
    Summerheather have you thought about missing undies being flushed down toilet? Just a thought - from experience.
     
  16. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    My secret thrill now is going to a coffee shop with a friend and just have tea and cake - I think it helps to take bits of joy where you can.

    Lulu, I think you may be right - I think she may have put them down the toilet - I'm a bit amazed because there was loads of them.
     
  17. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    It's a different life we live now. It must have been a very hard year for you Dustycat. Hugs across the web. xxx
     
  18. SarahL

    SarahL Registered User

    Dec 1, 2012
    229
    Thank you for all your thoughts and replies. It helps so much. It's a different life we all live now through the effects of dementia, but I could not have retained my sanity or ability to function at times without Talking Point. xxxxx
     
  19. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    220
    North East
    Thank you Sarah. Xx
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.