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The past coming back to haunt the family

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by kingybell, May 17, 2015.

  1. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    115
    I have posted lots of things on here and find I'm using it as therapy for my thoughts.
    My mil whilst still very healthy she is rapidly 'losing it' mind wise. Her Alzheimer's means her short term memory is shot to pieces but this aside she functions pretty well as long as she stays at home.

    The complicating factor is she also has FTDwhich is really starting to come out.
    My husband and I have found note pads (about 4 or 5)littered with very sexually explicit comments.
    She and her siblings were sexually abused as children (just the girls and the youngest male). We don't know who by as this is a very deep secret that family never ever speak about.
    She is starting to upset family members by openly talking about it in public and writing things down that I would expect from a teenage girl. No one knew her brother had been abused now we all know.
    We can't stop her doing this but 5 yr old daughter spends a lot of time with her and I'm concerned.
    It's good for both of them that they spend time together but my daughter used a word the other day to describe female genitalia which I would never ever use.
    I'm worried as some days she's normal and other sis such an odd ball.
     
  2. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    To be honest I would really limit the 5 year old's time with her and make the visits very supervised. It's far too young for a child to be exposed to sexually explicit comments and kids pick up on everything. And then they share it with their friends!
     
  3. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    115
    Thanks but that's easier said than done. She still picks her up from school as I'm waiting for an after school club place. Hopefully after next week we should have one.

    I can't cut too many ties yet as she's looked after my daughter when I was working abroad. This has stopped now but we are gradually stopping her looking after her.

    She was a child minder all her adult life up until 2 yrs ago. She said she would die without her grandchildren. This is a woman who has had children around her from 17 yrs old when she had my husband and his brother. She has never done anything except care for people (probably as a result of a poor childhood).
    She lives over the road from us so also is very present in all our lives,it's heart breaking and I know the real her would be devastated if she knew what she was doing.
     
  4. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    It's a difficult situation, for sure. But I do feel strongly that your little girl is far too young to be exposed to things so explicit. I'm all for age appropriate sex education in context, but who knows exactly what's being said and how often. Your little one has already picked up language she shouldn't be using and, again, is probably too young to understand that she shouldn't be, so might well repeat it at school etc.

    My heart breaks for your MiL, she was an innocent victim and now can't help what she's saying. So, so sad. But her illness means you can't ask her to stop and she probably won't even if you did, so you need to do what you have to to protect your daughter.

    Just my opinion of course. Maybe someone will come along with some good ideas.
     
  5. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    I have to side with Delphie in this. Your daughter must be your priority. At the very least, it doesn't seem appropriate that they spend time together unsupervised.

    You acknowledge that she herself would be
    I think that in itself answers your dilemma.
     
  6. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,228
    Merseyside
    I'm agree with Delphie & Chemmy you need to limit contact & keep it supervised.
    You have to protect your daughter.
     
  7. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Yes protection is vital. If your daughter repeats something that is inappropriate in school the authorities may become involved. In my opinion your daughter is being abused by hearing sexually explicit terms. I'm sorry to say that as you know about it you could be in trouble by not protecting your daughter NOW. Could you change your working hours so YOU could pick your daughter up from school until the after school place becomes available?

    Whilst I feel very sorry for your MIL (who wouldn't) I feel more sorry for a little girl who shouldn't be subjected to such inappropriate sexual talk.

    Sorry to be so blunt

    Lyn T
     
  8. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    115
    I know. Hopefully I will be in a better position after this week. I'm hoping that we have a place at after school club.
    I left my last job and took 4 months off to look after my mil and sort her out diagnosis and benefits etc.
    I have been at my new job for 8 weeks so a change if hrs is out of the question.
    One more week to get through then we can limit time spent.

    I also have to tackle my husband who is a bit in denial.
    All the comments made mirror my own. It's difficult as we have a mortgage and bills we are only in our 30s. This disease is ruining everything.

    My family are 150 miles away and mil was a great childcare help when she was well. It meant I could go to work and not panic this is no longer the case.

    I am even having to work from our office up north so I can take my little girl to my dads on her teacher training day.
     
  9. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    I do have sympathy for you-even though my last post didn't make that clear! Childcare is a nightmare. Could your OH change his hours for a week or so? Or ask another parent to pick up your Daughter (you could pay them) I think there are laws where an employer has to accommodate emergencies which are family related. Your OH could ask his Boss. As far as your OH being in denial-perhaps you could show him this thread? He would see the concern expressed and the suggestions made.

    I still think that exposing your Daughter to the risks makes even another week of expecting your MIL to babysit untenable.

    Take care

    Lyn T X
     
  10. kingybell

    kingybell Registered User

    Feb 3, 2015
    115
    Thank you all. I will have a chat with my husband today and make a decision. I sound like a rubbish parent but my daughter only started school in sept and i don't know any of the parents as she goes to breakfast club and mil picks her Up.

    I could get my husbands aunt or his dad to have her for a week.
     
  11. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,968
    Brixham Devon
    Oh dear! I don't think anyone is thinking you are a rubbish parent.:eek: You quite rightly had alarm bells ringing -so you have good parenting instincts.:) Being rubbish would have involved ignoring or not noticing what is happening.

    You are obviously very fond of your MIL and appreciate what she has done for your family.You don't want to upset her and that is understandable. However, her good Granny skills are in the past I'm afraid-through no fault of her own. Your OH has got to accept that-it's hard (take it from someone who loved to shove her head in the sand:eek:).

    I hope you get things sorted soon

    Take care

    Lyn T XX
     
  12. Chemmy

    Chemmy Registered User

    Nov 7, 2011
    7,592
    Yorkshire
    I remember having the conversation about periods with my daughter when she was about eight. It just came into conversation naturally and I dealt with it in a simple, matter of fact, non-scary way. She went straight to school next day, told her friends and I got summoned in to the head's office as the class teacher had heard the chatter. I gather other parents were annoyed that their children were made aware of the subject before they deemed it appropriate. :rolleyes:

    I had a mother that never discussed anything personal with me and I wanted to be honest, but sensitive, with my own children so I was able to 'defend' myself. And this didn't involve inappropriate language. But it just goes to show how easily things can escalate.

    I would echo LynT's view that you need to take immediate action.
     
  13. Dill

    Dill Registered User

    Feb 26, 2011
    353
    England
    Hi Kingybell
    I've read through your thread and really feel for you. You are not a rubbish parent, quite the opposite in fact, by looking for advice.
    I wondered if it would be worth ringing your daughters teacher and explaining in confidence what the problem is. I would hope that they would be sympathetic and might find a way of finding your daughter an after-school place. Probably not as simple as that, but might be worth a try.
    I hope you find a solution that keeps all happy.
    Dill
     
  14. trigger

    trigger Account on hold

    Aug 25, 2009
    138
    Plymstock Devon
    Although I agree that 5 year old shouldn't hear sexual comments or swearing, unfortunately they do come in contact with other children who have old brothers & sisters possibly aged 6 to 16 who know far more then we did years ago a boy sex , drugs , smoking, swearing also it's all around us sex and swearing on TV , Computers, IPads, IPhones , and ageing these youngsters have these in many cases the mothers of 6 to 8 years old are only 19 or 20 and unmarried believe it or not it's facts , so yes maybe the person with dementia will do all of those things as well it's impossibly to keep you child away from it sorry but facts of life in 2020 and it won't get any better
     
  15. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    If a young child hears swearing and asks about it or uses the words it's not the end of the world and our job as parents (and grandparents) is to explain and, hopefully, discourage. It's almost inevitable that it will happen at some point. But a 5 year old hearing her granny talking about sex in explicit language is quite a bit different, and now kingybell has become aware of this the only appropriate course of action is to stop it. A child most certainly can be kept away from that, and must be.

    You're not a bad parent kingybell by the way. Far from it. You've recognized the problem and are looking to resolve it.
     
  16. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,425
    Male
    Cornwall
    I said here many times I was diagnosed was Alzheimer's in 1999 and FTD in 2003 , replying as a person with the illness , it's the past hunting the person with dementia I'm very open and outspoken myself hold nothing back unfortunately there's No political correctness where dementia is concerned I have been in trouble with this issue at work and socially my Consultant said 10/12 years ago that is certain situations my brain is like that of a six year old , regards sexual comments / FTD well that's has never been the case with me in fact quite the opposite I say

    Cheers Tony
     
  17. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    5,192
    Female
    Chester
    In my experience (my daughter is now 14) other parents will not deem a child with too much knowledge an appropriate companion for their 'nice' daughter and so invites to parties and to come round to play will dry up. There was another girl this was an issue with when my daughter was about 8.

    I think you need to speak to her class teacher tomorrow to ensure if she says anything it is headed off, and ensure she is not left unsupervised with MIL again.

    I also don't think a school playground is an appropriate place for MIL to be is you don't know when she is speaking in this way.

    Are you sure with her poor memory and other issues that she is capable of looking after your daughter anyway? Would she be able to make the correct decision in an emergency? I note in an earlier post you had another parent follow them home, so you were clearly worried about that. How do you know what happens once they are home? I didn't realise my mum had dementia, and with hindsight she was not capable of looking after the children when she did.

    Can you leave work early and take some work home for the next few days as I assume you have arrangements in place for half term the week after. I know you've just started, but all employers are aware that parents with young children will have time off for the child being ill etc
     
  18. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    1,425
    Male
    Cornwall
    #18 Countryboy, May 17, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2015
    Here we go with all the let kick the stuffing out of the person with dementia remembers these people have worked and paid into the system for years stop kicking them when there down and if you don't like the way she behaves stay away simple , if it was my family I tell them to get lost

    Tony yes with dementia so kick me now and if you do remember your no better than Us with dementia :confused:
     
  19. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,719
    Female
    London
    Aren't we all forgetting someone here? Yes, of course action needs to be taken, but why should the granddaughter be the priority? They should both be equally important and should be treated with the same care and respect. The mother has been abused in the past, that past is now again her present, it's disturbing for her and she needs love and distraction and perhaps even counselling if she can still take it in, especially now that she no longer is allowed to look after her granddaughter which she loves to do. I agree the current situation is unsustainable but simply separating the two does not solve the whole issue. The fact that she doesn't realise that her behaviour and speech is inappropriate does not mean that she hasn't got feelings anymore that need addressing. So please look into that as well instead of just focusing on keeping her away from her granddaughter because her feelings matter as well.
     
  20. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    1,252
    Please don't be upset and think we're being horrible about the MiL Tony. That's really not the case. I feel desperately sorry for her, for what happened to her when she was younger, and that she can't now look after her grand daughter. No one is blaming her for anything.
     

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