The not so magic roundabout

[DesperateofDevon]

I was in two minds as what to call this thread... the old lady who cried wolf or the above thread. To cut Aged mother some slack I decided on “the not so magic roundabout...”
Reason being the manipulation has upped in intensity & im not sure how to respond anymore.

I opted out of being the first line of communication for Aged Mother for a while - I need to grieve the loss of Dad & OH is joint & severally LPA so ive passed on his contact details to carers & the cleaners.

Aged Mother is playing the carers up & playing the cleaner off against them; consequently the GP was called out.

It’s a de ja vu issue again I fear, with fluctuating capacity & the stubbornness of an old mule added to the equation.

the confabulations are getting more regular & more elaborate, I really do wonder when will this all end & worry about what will happen to Aged Mother .
One thing is for sure this isn’t going to end well....

 

[jugglingmum]

The interpretation of capacity isn't always helpful for the pwd let alone the carers.

You needed time to grieve it's early days.

It's a horrible horrible place to be but you can't fix your mum and at this point in time you can't help her.

Let the GP and others deal with it for now as much as possible. I suspect it will resolve before too long

 

[TNJJ]

I was in two minds as what to call this thread... the old lady who cried wolf or the above thread. To cut Aged mother some slack I decided on “the not so magic roundabout...”
Reason being the manipulation has upped in intensity & im not sure how to respond anymore.

I opted out of being the first line of communication for Aged Mother for a while - I need to grieve the loss of Dad & OH is joint & severally LPA so ive passed on his contact details to carers & the cleaners.

Aged Mother is playing the carers up & playing the cleaner off against them; consequently the GP was called out.

It’s a de ja vu issue again I fear, with fluctuating capacity & the stubbornness of an old mule added to the equation.

the confabulations are getting more regular & more elaborate, I really do wonder when will this all end & worry about what will happen to Aged Mother .
One thing is for sure this isn’t going to end well....

I’m sorry to hear this. You do need to grieve for your dad. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what we do or try to do it will never be enough. I have decided with dad to apply a little of what I learnt at school..”les affaire” not sure if I spelt it right. It means “let things be”. It will work out to a natural conclusion. Let the carers take the brunt ,also your OH can step in if needed...Take time for yourself..((hugs)))

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I’m sorry to hear this. You do need to grieve for your dad. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what we do or try to do it will never be enough. I have decided with dad to apply a little of what I learnt at school..”les affaire” not sure if I spelt it right. It means “let things be”. It will work out to a natural conclusion. Let the carers take the brunt ,also your OH can step in if needed...Take time for yourself..((hugs)))

A natural conclusion... yes it’s a kinder way of putting the final decline into words. OH is sorting SS etc & doing forms; but it doesn’t stop that gut churning insomnia from getting a grip !

Actually emotionally exhaustion is really kicking in - it’s debilitating & am learning how to process this rollercoaster of a life.

Hope your PWD / ill health aren’t misbehaving too much!
Xx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

If Aged Mother was a Disney character which one would she be - easy
Eeyore ( I’d be piglet it seems!)

Aged Mothers fury at Dad leaving me his half of the house is crippling me at the moment! Poor old thing can’t remember making the wills, apparently it’s wrong that I have inherited it should all go to her!
God this disease is awful, it robs not only dignity,memory & empathy but also affection & love!

so OH has escaped & left me with Aged Mother pouring over the will! It’s only 1 page & however many times she’s rereads it it’s not going to change.

You’d think that I am making her sell her home, or kicking her out! No I’m just going to own Dads share in the house that’s all - so nothing changes. If she wants to sell up & move ( she doesn’t!) I will just invest half back into whatever property she chooses! So nothing has changed in the reality - well apart from the fact that Aged Mother doesn’t have the total control & is spitting!

Dads will was a shock to me , knowing Mum I’m amazed he was allowed to do that!
Hilariously as a codicil in the LPA I wrote of my own volition that my parents wanted to be cared for as was their wishes in their own home; & if required equity would be released on the home to pay for that care

will done in 2009
LPA in 2016

it’s was lovely to hear that both parents discussed how I was a dutiful daughter & would do right by them. I just wish Aged Mother could/ would remember that.


So I’m being huffed & puffed at a lot !

 

[TNJJ]

If Aged Mother was a Disney character which one would she be - easy
Eeyore ( I’d be piglet it seems!)

Aged Mothers fury at Dad leaving me his half of the house is crippling me at the moment! Poor old thing can’t remember making the wills, apparently it’s wrong that I have inherited it should all go to her!
God this disease is awful, it robs not only dignity,memory & empathy but also affection & love!

so OH has escaped & left me with Aged Mother pouring over the will! It’s only 1 page & however many times she’s rereads it it’s not going to change.

You’d think that I am making her sell her home, or kicking her out! No I’m just going to own Dads share in the house that’s all - so nothing changes. If she wants to sell up & move ( she doesn’t!) I will just invest half back into whatever property she chooses! So nothing has changed in the reality - well apart from the fact that Aged Mother doesn’t have the total control & is spitting!

Dads will was a shock to me , knowing Mum I’m amazed he was allowed to do that!
Hilariously as a codicil in the LPA I wrote of my own volition that my parents wanted to be cared for as was their wishes in their own home; & if required equity would be released on the home to pay for that care

will done in 2009
LPA in 2016

it’s was lovely to hear that both parents discussed how I was a dutiful daughter & would do right by them. I just wish Aged Mother could/ would remember that.


So I’m being huffed & puffed at a lot !

Oh my! What a day!!

 

[canary]

Why do you have to be there with her?
Make her a cup of tea and go and walk by yourself round the block.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Why do you have to be there with her?
Make her a cup of tea and go and walk by yourself round the block.

I would but my OH will be back in a bit with the shopping & I am expected to unpack & sort out the shopping! A small price to pay for him driving 5 an a half hours !!

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Oh my! What a day!!

just found a stash of Baileys... better drink some as it’s use by date is close. !!

 

[TNJJ]

As

I would but my OH will be back in a bit with the shopping & I am expected to unpack & sort out the shopping! A small price to pay for him driving 5 an a half hours !!

I used to do online now I said the carers out with dad..Or notas the case may be.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

As

I used to do online now I said the carers out with dad..Or notas the case may be.

My Dads sister turned up, which was lovely & she to was treated to a batch of negativity not so lovely.
New care staff being trained up & they seem very switched on. Aged Mothers Dr is as useless as ever!

The pain relief doesn’t touch the issue, carers agreed that a patch would be best all round .
I shall be emailing later on today ... & so the “fun “ continues!!!

 

[DesperateofDevon]

just want a quick rant / vent!
OH being very OH at the moment, as executor I get to sort out Dads stuff & OH is continually butting in telling me I’m wrong! I’m not, & even when faced with the evidence he doesn’t back down but carries on berating.
I know caring for PWD has put a huge gap in our relationship & I am beginning to feel it’s insurmountable.

The overwhelming feelings of being alone in all of this are crippling

ok .... vent over !

 

[AliceA]

Love and a big hug!

 

[Mothers daughter]

Oh dear! Sounds like my Mum.... She adores my OH and our kids but seems to think that I am out to take all her money and dump her in a care home!! Fact is, she hasn't got a lot of money and what she does have is only because I managed to cancel all the direct debits that she had set up for various charities!!! And she is in a home but thinks it is a hospital and she loves it. She's in the home because she now has zero capacity and no short term memory and was pressing her alarm every other day and ending up in hospital. We cannot get a suitable care package for her at home as it is quite rural. She is getting a reputation for being a bit of a busy body and is quite snippy with other residents sometimes but I have learned to breathe deep, count to ten, smile sweetly at her and try and change the subject. I am told that it isn't her and that it is the Dementia making her act this way but it is difficult and I want to try and have some quality time with her so I have to bite my tongue and talk about holidays from years ago and her grandchildren. Sometimes it is also easier to tell her a little fib to placate her as she has forgotten conversations after 2 minutes anyway.
My thoughts are with you

 

[Woo2]

Sending hugs xx , can you find time to grab a coffee and talk ? He may need a helping hand and guiding as to how best help and support you. X

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thank you folks, for putting life in perspective! I’m full of virus & low at the moment. OH is trying his best I know but we are both tetchy & need to be a little kinder not only to ourselves but each other.

Relationships really get battered by this disease one way or another

 

[Helly68]

@desperate of Devon relationships really do suffer. My OH is great, but he has no idea what it is like and sulks if I am not able to spend time with him. I already have two parents behaving like children, I don;t need any further sulking. You have my sympathies.
I too feel very alone. although I am not really. It is tricky. I hope you have a better day today.

 

[Woo2]

You are all under tremendous pressure , hope you feel a little better soon . I’m sending an extra large hug and I want you to go and give it to your oh, at a time of your choosing . More hugs for you too. Xx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

You are all under tremendous pressure , hope you feel a little better soon . I’m sending an extra large hug and I want you to go and give it to your oh, at a time of your choosing . More hugs for you too. Xx

Thank you
OH off to conference so hoping to feel a little brighter on his return

 

[DesperateofDevon]

@desperate of Devon relationships really do suffer. My OH is great, but he has no idea what it is like and sulks if I am not able to spend time with him. I already have two parents behaving like children, I don;t need any further sulking. You have my sympathies.
I too feel very alone. although I am not really. It is tricky. I hope you have a better day today.

it’s easy to get into a defensive routine as sorting out PWD & issues is a constant battle