The next stage...

[Care.daughter]

Hi. I have been out from TP for a while since I was busy looking for the best care home for dad. There were so many so dark, smelled awful that made me hesitate more about taking him to one. Luckily, I found one whose manager is a doctor. So just a couple of weeks ago, and after his evaluation, I had to take my dad out of his bed, helped him to dress nicely and took him to the care home. Even when I explained several times he was going to a nicer place, where he was going to be well taken care of, he thought I was taking him to a car dealer to buy him a car. I will skip details on how this day went, but hope you get the idea and I'm sure most will know of how hard it is to first take this decision and see making it happen.

The first three days in the care home, dad was confused (well, he is still is) of how he ended there and every person he sees he asks him/her if they have a car they are planning to sell that he can buy. This is the story that still the carers use when he begins very active and trying to open every door or Window where he thinks he can escape through. He hardly sits down or takes naps. He is constantly walking finding a way out. The manager told me that he needed 24/7 hours monitoring, so we had to hire a personal carer inside the home who is by his side all the time, making sure he does not climb a wall or kick the doors again.

Luckily dad is still a gentleman, he still says thank you or sorry and even when he is agitated, he is not violent. He quickly became friends with this carer and does no longer complain that much of taking showers or having food he previously dislike. He has even danced on Fridays during their music therapy.

I would like to hear the input of others who have lived or are still dealing with visits to the care home. I'm already familiar of getting in unannounced and leave with no goodbyes. But what to tell him when he starts asking to go home, that he is bored over there? What is the best version we can use? Should I tell him he is the hospital because he is sick? How do you manage when you take them out for a ride or a nice place where he used to like and then returning him to the care home instead of his house??!!

Today was my first visit after his first two week adjustment period. Even when he still recognizes me though phone calls, he did not recognized me this time. (I was the only person left in the family who he can still recognize as soon as he saw me or hear my voice). Other than that and his continued plead to take him out, I noticed he is well dressed, smells nice and his room is still very clean. He is still eating a balanced meal and is no longer drinking colas! (we were never able to do this at home).

I am aware that the clock is continuously ticking and would like to spend more quality time with him, even short visits there or taking him out. I just don't know how to cope when taking him back.

Thanks for reading and your comments.

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi
I just wanted to tell you my experience with my mum in her nursing home which she has been in since April. She was sectioned under the mental health act 2 last November and kept in there until transferred to the nursing home. When I visited I was very aware of the smell of urine but the home looked relatively clean. The staff were always pleasant and chearful and caring. If I was to say something negative, I would say it was that the staff were rushed. My mum to this day has not settled but when she was in the spanking new hospital under section with its beautiful furnishings, one to one care and surroundings she was just the same. She would pound the doors, try and climb the walls etc. She though she had got on the wrong bus and was stuck in a bus terminal with strangers. She would sit in her coat clutching her handbag waiting for the next bus to come. Sometimes she talks quite normal but these are short and sweet. Everytime I go to visit her she breaks down crying and relieved that I am going to take her home It is so difficult what to say and I have spoken to her pysch nurse as how to cope. Mum told me Monday that if someone told her she was staying there for ever she would kill herself and begs for me to take her home. I was told that I cannot give her false hope and distraction is the best tactic. I know that is going to be extremely difficult as she is persistant and the memory does not help as whatever you say she is back to square one. I now tend to say that she is not well at the moment and being looked after and I have to see what the doctor says. She gets angry but calms down but then we are again going through the same scenario. I am unable to take her out for the day as they are not sure she could cope with it yet and I am not sure I would get her back there The pysch nurse said that she is now having additional one to one for 5 hours a day to help her with her anxiety and try and get her involved with activities which she has been reluctant to do. Historically she was a very social person and loved being the centre of attention but now she looks around and every one there looks nutty (her words, not mine) and will not join in. I think it is not always about fancy surroundings although to us they are pleasing to the eye, it is not always the case when you have dementia. I would like to think that you can overlook a bit of smell with good care. Anyway that is what I am trying to do. Good luck

 

[Care.daughter]

Thank you Jaycee. This is so difficult to deal with. May I ask how old is your mom? Mine is 69 and still looks "young" comparing to the rest of the people in the home. Almost all are in wheel chairs and need a nurse by their side to do stuff. Dad is still filled with energy. I can compare to a 2 year old buy running around a church or an important company surrounded by adults. This was also a big factor to find him a home. As you said, it was the staff, the manager and references which convinced me more rather than only considering a big and clean house.

Dad was also constantly trying to escape from his own home, always having an excuse to go out. We tried to keep his phase and tried to please him, but most or the things he wanted should be out of his reach (medicines, car, motorcycles (he used to be a biker).
The situation became out of control and that is when we decided to take him to the CH before he went missing again or any other accident. I comfort myself by keeping in mind that if he wants to escape from his own house, there are no other place where he would not do so.

My brother believes that by taking him for a ride will reduce his anxiety, but again, how are we going to return him there? I still need to talk to the manager on our next approach.

My sympathies to you and the best wishes for still being strong and have the best positive attitude toward all of this. We do love them ver much. Thanks for writing

Hi
I just wanted to tell you my experience with my mum in her nursing home which she has been in since April. She was sectioned under the mental health act 2 last November and kept in there until transferred to the nursing home. When I visited I was very aware of the smell of urine but the home looked relatively clean. The staff were always pleasant and chearful and caring. If I was to say something negative, I would say it was that the staff were rushed. My mum to this day has not settled but when she was in the spanking new hospital under section with its beautiful furnishings, one to one care and surroundings she was just the same. She would pound the doors, try and climb the walls etc. She though she had got on the wrong bus and was stuck in a bus terminal with strangers. She would sit in her coat clutching her handbag waiting for the next bus to come. Sometimes she talks quite normal but these are short and sweet. Everytime I go to visit her she breaks down crying and relieved that I am going to take her home It is so difficult what to say and I have spoken to her pysch nurse as how to cope. Mum told me Monday that if someone told her she was staying there for ever she would kill herself and begs for me to take her home. I was told that I cannot give her false hope and distraction is the best tactic. I know that is going to be extremely difficult as she is persistant and the memory does not help as whatever you say she is back to square one. I now tend to say that she is not well at the moment and being looked after and I have to see what the doctor says. She gets angry but calms down but then we are again going through the same scenario. I am unable to take her out for the day as they are not sure she could cope with it yet and I am not sure I would get her back there The pysch nurse said that she is now having additional one to one for 5 hours a day to help her with her anxiety and try and get her involved with activities which she has been reluctant to do. Historically she was a very social person and loved being the centre of attention but now she looks around and every one there looks nutty (her words, not mine) and will not join in. I think it is not always about fancy surroundings although to us they are pleasing to the eye, it is not always the case when you have dementia. I would like to think that you can overlook a bit of smell with good care. Anyway that is what I am trying to do. Good luck

 

[janma221]

I took my Mum from an emergency respite care home near to where she lives to live near us (about 2 hours away). She was wandering about at all hours of the night and brought back by the police on many occasions from sometimes dangerous situations so needed to be looked after 24/7. I was so lucky to find a lovely home with caring staff although after we helped her to unpack she put her coat back on thinking she was coming home with us which of course sets off the guilt monster. Visiting tomorrow and feeling unsure how she will react when we take her out for a meal will probably be difficult for her to understand that she is not going back to her old home again. Keep posting and let me know how you get on.
Jan xxx

 

[Jaycee23]

Hi My mum is 81 but no way she looks her age. She is very slight and is attractive, always has looked young. Today I visited with my dear friend in tow and we came away saying that she looks so normal and others there with zimmer frames etc really stood out. It must be much harder when the dementia patient are much younger, I really feel for you. In an ideal world I think it would be great if they were sectioned under capabilities. For example those more mobile or able to communicate. My mum is just not getting the mental stimulation or conversation as most there cannot communicate. It is soul destroying. I will add she is very ill though and goes off on a tangent about other things like bus stations and being hijacked!

Thank you Jaycee. This is so difficult to deal with. May I ask how old is your mom? Mine is 69 and still looks "young" comparing to the rest of the people in the home. Almost all are in wheel chairs and need a nurse by their side to do stuff. Dad is still filled with energy. I can compare to a 2 year old buy running around a church or an important company surrounded by adults. This was also a big factor to find him a home. As you said, it was the staff, the manager and references which convinced me more rather than only considering a big and clean house.

Dad was also constantly trying to escape from his own home, always having an excuse to go out. We tried to keep his phase and tried to please him, but most or the things he wanted should be out of his reach (medicines, car, motorcycles (he used to be a biker).
The situation became out of control and that is when we decided to take him to the CH before he went missing again or any other accident. I comfort myself by keeping in mind that if he wants to escape from his own house, there are no other place where he would not do so.

My brother believes that by taking him for a ride will reduce his anxiety, but again, how are we going to return him there? I still need to talk to the manager on our next approach.

My sympathies to you and the best wishes for still being strong and have the best positive attitude toward all of this. We do love them ver much. Thanks for writing

 

[Care.daughter]

Hi Janma. How long has it been since your mum is in a care home? The doctor advised us it still no good timing to get dad out to eat or ride somewhere, as his anxiety has not stopped and is still trying to find a way out of there. Last Tuesday was my first day of visit as we were told to wait two weeks for his settlement. We spoke on the phone first (they allowed us for him to still carry his cellphone) and spoke as usual, that he is unhappy and bored in there and he would like to come back home. I told him that I would like to see him and he replied "yes". So I hung up and a minute later I was in front of him. He did not recognize me and we spent talking like I was just a nice lady. It was so soul breaking as I was the only person left in the family whom he still recognized. But somehow this encourage me that he is in a right place to be well taken care of, as much as it hurts, as much as he hates it. Guilty monster should be locked in the closet!

[/LEFT]]I took my Mum from an emergency respite care home near to where she lives to live near us (about 2 hours away). She was wandering about at all hours of the night and brought back by the police on many occasions from sometimes dangerous situations so needed to be looked after 24/7. I was so lucky to find a lovely home with caring staff although after we helped her to unpack she put her coat back on thinking she was coming home with us which of course sets off the guilt monster. Visiting tomorrow and feeling unsure how she will react when we take her out for a meal will probably be difficult for her to understand that she is not going back to her old home again. Keep posting and let me know how you get on.
Jan xxx