The minute man

[Duggies-girl]

This post is basically a rant. I live 3 miles from my dad (not very far I know) but everyday I visit him, take him shopping, sit with him and watch tv etc.

I sort out all his appointments, check what he is eating, sort out his bins etc If it were not for me he would be marooned.

Somewhere I have a brother, well actually he lives a 5 minute walk from my dads (same village) Brother visits once a week for 10 minutes, he has been known as the minute man since before my mum died 6 years ago. It was my mum who gave him that name as whenever he visits 'he can only stay a minute' because he has somewhere else to go or something else to do. Very busy.

I called in on the minute man a couple of weeks ago to let him know how dad got on at the doctors but I realised after a couple of minutes that I was boring him so I left. I now realise that he has little interest in his dad and that it is all up to me.

I can't say anything because it will cause rows in the family so I thought I would just put my feelings down on here and it might make me feel better.

Don't worry about responding as I suspect that I am not the only one with this problem and just writing this post in public has made me feel a bit better.

You see the minute man has a very important life and family and his job is very important too, he has also just joined the masons. Very important indeed.

Well I have news for the minute man. I have a job far more important than anything he does. I look after our dad who used to sail the worlds oceans as a merchant seaman and would have done anything for his family.

Rant over and yes I do feel better for that.

 

[canary]

Im glad you feel better after that

Yes, Im sure you are right that there are many of us who have family like yours - Im one of them. i have a brother who never used to visit mum, even when she put on palliative care.
He did go to the funeral though..........

 

[Sam Luvit]

Well I have news for the minute man. .... I look after our dad who used to sail the worlds oceans as a merchant seaman and would have done anything for his family.

Hi Duggies-Girl

Rants are what keep us sane & able to carry on. I'm a rant queen & that was no rant, it was getting those feeling out, tbh, what I felt was a deep sadness & determination to be the best daughter, so keep ranting, you are among friends

I too have a brother a mere 11 minute drive from mum, I drove 160 miles every weekend for 18 months until I was crying, he managed an occasional tea stop . I gave up & sold up & moved back. I don't have the 160 mile drive, but I don't have any time either.

I'm not going to tell you how to solve this, I don't have the right or the knowledge, but ... please try to find a way to accept that the minute man isn't going to help, it might help you in the long run

I was so angry at my invisible brother, it churned in me. I've sat watching the waves & talked it through with myself, ranted, cried & worked out a way to deal.

I've told big brother that I understand / accent that he won't be hands on with mum, but, he will be getting calls from me, he will be getting visits from me & he will listen to me. In return, I will look after mum. He gets to look after me

It works for us. I've let go of the anger & I've got my brother back. I still get cross at him at times, but I know I can phone him & go for a coffee & rant at him. He knows mum, he knows what she can be like & he supports me.

Dad called it the working navy . I do miss him.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Im glad you feel better after that

Yes, Im sure you are right that there are many of us who have family like yours - Im one of them. i have a brother who never used to visit mum, even when she put on palliative care.
He did go to the funeral though..........

Yes I am sure he will make the funeral

 

[Caroleca]

Duggies girl, just keep doing what you r doing...at least you realize that things will not change. As someone once said "best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour"..so very true. At least you know your r doing your best and that's what counts. In the end...you will feel that satisfaction. Take care and keep ranting when necessary! Hugs

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hi Duggies-Girl

Rants are what keep us sane & able to carry on. I'm a rant queen & that was no rant, it was getting those feeling out, tbh, what I felt was a deep sadness & determination to be the best daughter, so keep ranting, you are among friends

I too have a brother a mere 11 minute drive from mum, I drove 160 miles every weekend for 18 months until I was crying, he managed an occasional tea stop . I gave up & sold up & moved back. I don't have the 160 mile drive, but I don't have any time either.

I'm not going to tell you how to solve this, I don't have the right or the knowledge, but ... please try to find a way to accept that the minute man isn't going to help, it might help you in the long run

I was so angry at my invisible brother, it churned in me. I've sat watching the waves & talked it through with myself, ranted, cried & worked out a way to deal.

I've told big brother that I understand / accent that he won't be hands on with mum, but, he will be getting calls from me, he will be getting visits from me & he will listen to me. In return, I will look after mum. He gets to look after me

It works for us. I've let go of the anger & I've got my brother back. I still get cross at him at times, but I know I can phone him & go for a coffee & rant at him. He knows mum, he knows what she can be like & he supports me.

Dad called it the working navy . I do miss him.

Wow, what quick reply's. Thank you.

Yes I have accepted that I will not get any help from the minute man but I still get cross to put it mildly. My life is important too, I have a family, had a job (that's gone) but hey ho

I am just annoyed because my dad is a lovely man who always put his family first and I think he deserves better than 'I can only stay a minute because I am busy' but that is the way it is.

I am so glad I found this forum because it seems a little less lonely knowing it is not only me.

Took dad shopping today to buy a pressie for minute man's birthday next week, that's probably why I am so annoyed about it all. Dad is spending all his time worrying about minute man's birthday while minute man doesn't give dad a thought.

Time for bed I think.

 

[Cat27]

Just think though! Minute man is showing his children how to care for an elderly relative & he day his own children may well follow his example with him. Karma.

 

[Rosnpton]

It is sad just how many on this forum have invisible siblings,other family that flit in tell you what you are doing wrong and flit back out.
My brother has stepped up a bit more the last year. Before mum went into care he phoned on a Saturday teatime,and visited Xmas Easter and her birthday.
I've now managed to get him to visit the one in 3 weekends I have to work.
He lives 60 miles away and doesn't drive.
What I do do tho,is make sure every single incident ,trip to hospital, call from care home also goes to him.
I managed to get his direct line at work (when he had started turning off his mobile due to the number of calls about mum) and passed this to the care home. They also got his home nub,etc and both e mail addresses. I'm first point of call as I'm local, but they now also ring him direct rather then me passing in the information. He thought I exaggerated mums temper,aggression etc. Now the staff contact him direct he can no longer bury his head in the sand.

It's petty,but after another long night at a&e and the care home seeing I was upset as I couldn't let brother know as his phones were off, they suggested they would make sure he was contacted by them every single time the contacted me.
Result.
Doesn't do any more,but he is inconvenienced as much as I am.at least he isn't getting up in the early hours to got to hospital,or leaving work to sort something out but I know he now cannot deny how bad she has got.

Off load on this forum. If nothing else,you get it out of your system
Ros x

 

[Bunpoots]

Just think though! Minute man is showing his children how to care for an elderly relative & he day his own children may well follow his example with him. Karma.

Cat, I think this about my brother and sister all the time.

One of them rang me recently. Not to ask how dad was but to check if the half of dad's bungalow that was transferred to me when mum died (they were invisible then too) will be included in the will settlement when he dies...

 

[Duggies-girl]

best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour

Oh so true, I will remember that. Thank you.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thank you all, I know I am not the only one with this problem but it does annoy me to say the least.

Cat27 Good one, 'Karma' Yes it may catch him up one day.

 

[margherita]

Your important brother with an important job and family, must have an important bank account, too.
If he can't give his valuable time, he can give the money to pay for someone to help you with your father.
Try to involve his wallet, since his heart is out of reach

 

[spraypaint]

same with me ,i look after dad full time,brother does 10 min phone call once a month and takes him out to lunch for 2hrs every 3 months. as he has now got epa will be good to see how he gets on (my epa was classed as void due to poor solicitor ) as long as you know you have done the best thats all that matters in my book

 

[Duggies-girl]

@spraypaint

Thanks I know I am doing my best and I have accepted the situation.
My brother is a waste of space but my dad still loves him so I am stuck with it.

I check dads phone for past calls and brother rings every 10 days or so.

Oh well such is life.

 

[northumbrian_k]

It is 7 weeks since my stepson (aka King of the Invisibles) even bothered to telephone his Mam - he didn't speak to her as she was out getting her hair done - and he hasn't tried since. According to him there is something wrong with our answer phone because he has tried to leave messages ... but, of course, when I check the list of calls his number is nowhere to be seen. Even when he does ring it is always on the way to the underground, on a train or just before a meeting so there is a great deal of background noise and the call ends as soon as he has something 'more important' to do. It is a very common theme @Duggies-girl