The Man Who Stopped Complaining

[colincampsite]

He had been complaining to anyone who would listen. Even a quiet moan to himself. His thoughts reached as high as complaining to God, whoever and wherever and indeed, if ever He existed.
It does not do any good at all to complain. Ask anyone who has ever tried to get through to MPs about how they milk the system to the cost of the electorate. Or those who try to make bankers see the errors of their ways and at least feel some guilt. It just does not work.
The other evening something struck him and through the night and this morning he had been sorting it all out in his head. It was a similar experience to what Paul had had on the road to Damascus. Like Paul’s, this could be a life-changing experience for him.
He didn’t think it was related to religion, but these things are so complicated that it very well could have been. At least he was not aware of any religious influence. It was like a little spark which flashed in his mind and said, “You are a very lucky man. It’s not everyone who gets to live and stay so close all the time to the one they love.”
He thought, “I am that man! I am her carer, and now that she has to be looked after 24/7, we are never apart. It is as though we were attached by one of those baby harnesses that our two girls wore in their early years. To guide them and keep them safe. Eventually they grew strong and steady enough to be released from the harness which kept them safe and they became more independent. They moved on to the next phase of their lives.”
He wondered if this was leading to the “next phase”. Wherever and whatever that was going to be.
So for now, instead of wishing he was playing cricket or golf with the lads. Or thinking, “Please leave them on the table and I will put them away or I will never find them again. Or wishing she would give up asking him the same questions over and over again.
He quietly smiles to himself and thinks how lucky he is to be consulted, trusted, looked up to, relied on for everything, and most important of all, believed in.
He has a lot to live up to. In return he has the love of the most precious person he has ever known.
He is a very lucky man and excited about the prospect of another day being so close to his wife.

 

[Grannie G]

Food for thought.

 

[Izzy]

I think that's a lovely post.

 

[jeany123]

So profound and poignant a lovely thread ,definitely makes you think,

Jeany

 

[cragmaid]

Just a little defence for complaining.....no one ever got unfair treatment reversed by not complaining ( I think that's the right number of double negatives)

I agree that over - complaining is a negative emotion. By giving it up, a wise man can spend real quality time with his wife,perh aps continuing his complaints in a manner guaranteed not to steal his precious sanity; picking his complaints and fights carefully. A modicum of protestation stirs the blood and stiffens the sinews. But if a man finds the blood becoming too aroused or his sleep disturbed he ought to seek the tranquility of the path of the wise man.
I salute wise men everywhere. x.x.

 

[Izzy]

There's a difference though between complaining on someone's behalf and complaining about what the person/dementia is doing.

 

[Grannie G]

There's a difference though between complaining on someone's behalf and complaining about what the person/dementia is doing.

A very big difference.

 

[lizzybean]

I read a book recently called The Selfish Pigs Guide to Caring (can't remember the author & not dementia specific) but a very good read none the less. He says amongst many others that you have to slow down & work at Piglet speed (Person I Give Love & Endless Therapy to!) that way you don't get frustrated the same. Worth a look.

 

[garnuft]

I have that book on Kindle Lizzybean, a very entertaining, empathetic and supportive book.

I love your post Colin.

I struggle with posts on here that are insulting to the person who suffers with dementia, it make me angry and I have no sympathy for those carers as they have so little empathy and sympathy for the people who have lost the most, the person who has dementia, so lost are they in their world of self-pity.

I think respect is due first for the person we care for.

 

[gringo]

He had been complaining to anyone who would listen. Even a quiet moan to himself. His thoughts reached as high as complaining to God, whoever and wherever and indeed, if ever He existed..

That's as good a description of me as I've seen. I wear this T-shirt everyday.

“You are a very lucky man. It’s not everyone who gets to live and stay so close all the time to the one they love.”
He....... thinks how lucky he is to be consulted, trusted, looked up to, relied on for everything, and most important of all, believed in.
He has a lot to live up to. In return he has the love of the most precious person he has ever known.
He is a very lucky man and excited about the prospect of another day being so close to his wife.

I argue this most days as well, and in principle I have to agree. Play the hand you are dealt etc.; as if you could do anything else. Some days it's easy, but other days, when, for example, my wife tells me she knows I have put her aside for somebody new, and nothing I can say can reach her distress and console her. I just can't manage it and all that stuff, about how lucky I am, goes by the board, as I try to get a footing and make sense of the chaos of our lives.
Anyway, how lucky I am has little to do with it, it's my wife's rotten luck which really concerns me. Sometimes, when despair threatens to engulf me, I try to conjure up a God so I have somebody to blame and rage at.

 

[SoyHJ]

I think it's perfectly natural for a carer to feel sorry for themselves and, yes, to need to feel that others acknowledge they are having a tough time. However that does not automatically mean that they lack empathy for the person for whom they are caring. You can feel desperately sorry for yourself at times and want to rage, rage like king Lear, but still remember that the person with dementia has even more to try and come to terms with whilst they are still aware of their condition.

 

[stanleypj]

I have a lot of sympathy with this post.

I wrote about who is lucky on my blog about eighteen months ago:

I'm sure that this is a common experience for people in situations similar to mine. I've actually lived alone at various points in my life and mostly I've found it O.K. My current situation is not remotely like that, because I'm not alone. But for great long stretches of the day I might as well be, since S has at least one foot in a parallel universe where she often uses my name and appears to be talking to me but is actually talking to someone else. Very often I hear her, during her conversations with the figments of her imagination, addressing someone else as 'Love' and using the exact tone of voice that she used to use to me, and still does occasionally in brief lucid moments.

To S, for much of the time, I might as well be part of the furniture. She knows who I am and, fortunately for me, will respond to me briefly when I need to get her to do something, like eat enough so that she doesn't lose any more weight. (One positive note in an otherwise rather bleak post - she's started to put on weight.) These interactions sometimes lead to tense and tearful conversations, on both sides, but she clearly understands and believes me when I tell her I'm trying to help and we nearly always get whatever job it is done in the end because of her essentially helpful nature. So I'm lucky in that respect. But she shows hardly any interest in what I'm feeling, thinking, doing or saying (but still does, very occasionally) and that is what leaves me feeling a kind of loneliness that is almost indescribable.

I have great and invaluable support from family and friends but nothing can replace or compensate for what I have already lost and what I continue to lose day by day. I never forget though that S has lost, and will lose, a whole lot more. Despite what you sometimes hear from other people, I'm actually the lucky one. I try not forget that when I'm almost at my wit's end.

I do feel closer than ever to my wife now. There's very little conversation but more communication. I didn't expect this. But fundamentally, things have not changed much since I wrote the above. I know they will eventually. If I survive her, I think I will still feel that I'm the lucky one for the rest of our journey together.

It's good to be reminded of this. Many thanks for this thread Colin.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

I have thought about what you said a lot Garnuft.

For me and probably the same for most, to be viewed with love, understanding and compassion is what I would wish for. I could not bear to have an illness such as dementia and be cared for by someone who treated or 'cared' for me out of duty then dealt with me with exasperated eyes and whose attitude implied, almost, as though it was all my fault or choice to be that way. Whatever my future is, it must include respect.

Mostly I don't think anyone here would deliberately ridicule or blame the dementia sufferer, in fact sometimes I am astonished how much compassion remains when even violence is experienced. Sometimes people are driven to such extreme with no relief or they have to fight too hard for help and my heart goes out to them. Sometimes I am just scared, very scared of my own future...

The funnies are not derisory or lacking in respect in my opinion. E.g. my Mum looked across the CH lounge at a lady who was rather large and said nothing nasty and yet 'oh I am glad I haven't got fat legs!'

Not sure how to end this, but suppose just you really made me think x

I have that book on Kindle Lizzybean, a very entertaining, empathetic and supportive book.

I love your post Colin.

I struggle with posts on here that are insulting to the person who suffers with dementia, it make me angry and I have no sympathy for those carers as they have so little empathy and sympathy for the people who have lost the most, the person who has dementia, so lost are they in their world of self-pity.

I think respect is due first for the person we care for.